An apology Letter to My Body (2)

Dear body,

I apologize

for drowning you with alcohol

When I was all broken inside

 

I knew you couldn’t breathe anymore

But I didn’t care if there would be a tomorrow

I did not know any other way

To make the pain inside me disappear

So I kept drinking

 

I am sorry

for overdosing and for hurting you

For letting you bleed

But we were at war

If you can remember

Both of us

trying so hard

To erase each other

In order to prove one’s worth
I hope that today

I can make peace with you

 

I’m sorry

When you were that little

I let her inside of you

you did not even know what it meant

 

and as you grew older

he touched you

and tried to make you

one of his

I am sorry

for not having the strength to leave

I am sorry

That I didn’t protect you

 

I scrubbed every inch of you

For a thousand times

But I know you can still feel him on you

Still taste his perfume

At the tip of your tongue

Still have nightmares

about how your body trembled

when he held you

And Fiddled with your hair

Whispering the words into your ears

Like a spell that made you his personal Barbie

 

It was not your fault

That he thought your body

was his to own

You were young and lost

And he was there

 

It was not your fault

That you listened

to the old stories

A woman must be saved by a man

And you thought he was Prince Charming

 

But this is a story

of how a woman saved herself

 

Body,

I will hold on to you

And we will fly together

In this world that has already lost gravity

 

Men and alcohol were never the

Remedy

The solution

Or An answer

You were your own hero

And we know that now

We have proved it

 

Sincerely,

Vanessa

 

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Somebody’s Someone

She is a metaphor to her husband

A cautionary tale to her children

Invisible to herself

She is a wandering ghost

to the house she is locked in

 

She has never been herself

She is somebody’s someone

Or something

 

Her place is in the kitchen

In the jewelry stores

In the gossip of other wives

She goes by somebody’s someone

Never herself

 

Her job is to serve

And to look pretty when needed

Her job is to be witty

at dinner parties

But voiceless

after the guests have left

 

She is her husband’s Barbie

with unnecessary functions

She lives in a haunted Barbie house

The company she can only find

are the ghosts before her

 

There is an old Chinese saying

That women beautify themselves

for the men they please

And she

Dedicates her life to do just that

 

She supports him silently by his side

For most of history

Anonymous was a woman

her name was therefore erased

Remembered only as

somebody’s someone

 

She is a glorious china vase

But inside it

nothing but air

 

She is the stunning wife

The loving mother

She has always been somebody’s someone

Never herself

I often wonder

if there is still a person in her

 

in daytime

She is nurturing and fun

Swallows down her pride

She does her part

She keeps her silence

Put on a disguise

Play the character on the stage

 

The stage

is the concrete home that she is chained to

The character

is what she thought a woman should only be

 

She puts her college degree behind

Her achievements before marriage

Becomes a hollow echo only she can hear

Reminding her of a person she vaguely recognizes

 

Her defiance came out at nights

The has been that hides inside

She tells her children what a woman she was

before their father

All the things she could have become

 

Instead of telling her kids bedtime stories

She cries and screams

Like a child searching for answers

The has been inside her

was shortly awaken

But broken this time

 

And yet to her children

She is the woman from the madhouse

She is nothing but a mockery

With her funny English accent

She is an embarrassment

 

She immigrated to a new land

with her husband

So the accent mocks her

Reminds her

of her no longer tangible free will

 

Yet he

Is a self-made man

An American Dream

Even with the accent present

He will never be put in the same place where she is

 

She is a cautionary tale

An unstable ticking bomb

Her son sees her

and defines women accordingly

Women are crazy, he says

 

Her daughter sees her

and swears not to be the same

To never be

an anonymous

 

Her husband is okay with her unstable mentality

He can tolerate the way

she treats the kids when no one is looking

As long as she looks pretty by his side

And doesn’t reach her hands out to the window

 

Yet when she hears the birds singing outside

And tries to chase back to its origin

When she stops cooking

And doesn’t do the laundry

As often as she did

He filed for a divorce

 

In his mind

Not cooking or doing the laundry for him

Means she has stopped caring for him

 

He sees the madhouse that

he and she cohabits in

But he thinks the madness comes from her

He never sought for a cause

Or a remedy for it

Never saved his kids from it

 

He is the observer and the perpetrator

And the children learned from their father

to see her

As the mad women

 

She is a cautionary tale

A metaphor

An unstable ticking bomb

She is somebody’s someone

Or something

 

Years after their divorce

She still can’t resist reaching her hands towards

her husband

she has lived inside the haunted house

She has been somebody’s someone

for too long to learn to separate herself

from someone else

To be the somebody in her own life

 

Years after their divorce

We still blame her for it

We blame the woman for her madness

For her failure in marriage

Just because she was somebody’s someone

Like how she was taught

 

We blame her for shrinking

Until the haunted house was too big

And she lost herself in it

 

We condemn her

for raising her kids in a madhouse

Locked them in the same cage with her

We ignore the oppression she inherited from her mother

And her mother’s mother

 

We fail to acknowledge that the madhouse

wasn’t the house we dwelled in

But the patriarchy she depended on

And she wasn’t crazy

She was just one of many

 

She is another ghost

She is chained to the haunted Barbie madhouse

Belongs to someone else

Somebody’s someone

 

Even when she is released from it

She still gravitates back inside

Every single time

To be somebody’s someone

Never herself

 

Summer Rain

You came to my life like summer rain

Washed away the pain

with your gentle touches

 

The blood that floods my wounds

You washed them away too

 

You clear up the muddy river

Make them shine again

with the light yellow sunrise

 

For the first time

I stare at my reflections

by the riverside

And look at myself without a taste of disgust

 

You show up like summer rain

Shower the grasses

Wave away their tears

Tickle the tree and make them giggle

Put a smile upon the big blue sky

 

I see heavens blush because of you

And I feel safe inside

Because of you

 

When you smile

You take sorrows away

from the deepest hollow a person can face

 

You came to me

like summer rain

So sudden

so powerful

 

You reached out a friendly hand to me

And I held it tightly

Because I know how precious it is

To finally have you

 

You saw the creature inside me

that I did not know existed

I could have faded away

inside of that empty hollow

 

without you

I would not see the beauty

and all the wonder

I did not know existed

 

You are the summer rain

That survived the frostbitten winter

You transformed from snow and ice

To the heartwarming heat

That you are now today

And bring me back to life

Shower away the dust

That I thought I have become

 

You

Are the summer rain

You have torn down mountains

Rebuild them again

 

You have showed me strength,

kindness and spectacles

When all I wanted to do

was follow the muddy footprints

back to the hollow

 

You

Are the summer rain

That never gives up

Never vanishes without a fight

 

You,

are the summer rain

once hidden inside me

You are the force of nature

that has always been there

Shadowed in the corner

Humbly, quietly pushing me forward

 

But I see you now

I see you now

 

Poisonous Fog

I wake up

in the midst of poisonous fog

Cannot make sense of north or south

The fog mourns according to the rhythm

of my own heart beats

Forcefully guiding me

deeper into the fog

 

I hold my breath

count like I was taught

One, two and three

over and over again

 

The beast

from last night’s dreams

reaches its fingers into the fog

attempting to grab its prey

 

It’s either the poisonous fog

or the beast that never gives up

So I find my way into the fog

Following the music

which pounds with the rhythm

of my heart beats

 

I count my breath

Like I was told

Inhale, exhale, Inhale, exhale

One two and three

Over and over again

 

For what feels like decades

Then discover myself still stuck in bed

And nonetheless

have a day ahead

 

I smell the coffee and taste nothing

I see the blue sky hanging up high

But I feel like it’s grey

As if an old picture in the attic

Always ready to perish

 

I greet the neighbors

with the poisonous fog still besieging

around me

neighbors smile and wave

As if seeing nothing

 

She kisses me on the cheek

Ask me how I’m doing

And I say I have had better days

C’est la vie, She says

Ignoring the blood

Coming out from the old wounds

on my left arm

 

She smiles and let me struggle in the fog

Like how she always has

She sees me

but not the pain inside me

 

wherever I go,

the poisonous fog follows

like a mirror made by devils

it draws a picture of me to the public

a person I do not recognize

Felicitous, sweet and upbeat

 

it absorbs all the energy I have

to draw this masterpiece

it feeds on my sadness,

fear and memories

it grows thicker and thicker

days after days

 

I cry with no tears

smile with no joy

Sleep with no peace

I am evaporating slowly

Into the poisonous fog

 

I yearn for freedom

yet I fear what I would be

without the fog

I yearn for happiness

Yet I doubt if I deserve it

I yearn to live

Yet I question if I am worth the space

 

The poisonous fog follows me

Wherever I go

It tells me ghost stories

stops me from eating

From going outside

From dancing to music

From painting down the sunrise

From admiring the people I used to adore

 

The poisonous fog

Becomes the only thing I see

The only sound I hear

The only language I speak

 

Until I realize

The poisonous fog is me

I have become the poisonous fog

Quietly, dubiously

co-existing with

The friends and family

Who are now strangers to me

 

I follow the instructions of the poisonous fog

erasing the footprints left on my own timeline

 

I Go backwards to the day of nonexistence

I float away without making a sound

And no one has noticed

 

An apology Letter to My Body (1)

Dear body,

I am sorry

For once hating your small Asian eyes

And your mildly yellow skin color

because everyone around you was white

I should have been proud of my own heritage

 

I know that mom taught you beauty

is defined by society

There is a certain way of

How we, as women, should behave

And conform is the only way

 

I am sorry

that I believed her

for so many years

I looked at you

And saw nothing but flaws

 

I am sorry that I didn’t know how to nourish you

for starving you on purpose

gave you half an apple a day

 

I am sorry

that I put you through

eating disorder for so many years

for feeling guilty to eat

and for being scared not to eat
see,

My mom ate from a plate

that was as small as your palms were

the more she shrank the prouder she became

so I thought

that’s what a woman should be like

I learned

to see a woman’s body

through her eyes

 

I apologize

for letting the numbers on the scale to define your worth

and that I started to lie about your weight

before even having your period

I thought a size zero was the only definition

of beauty

The only way to exist

as a woman

 

I am sorry

That I tried to make you look attractive

Before understanding the reasons why

A short skirt and lip gloss

were the only ways to attract boys at age 9
I am Sorry

That you have been sexualized long before understanding

what being a female really means

 

You are a human being

Blood and flesh

You are not born to please

 

sorry

That I compared you

with the models on front page magazines

And blamed you

for not looking like them

You should know

There is not a standard for beauty

You can just be you

 

I am sorry

That I always wanted to change you

didn’t appreciate you

didn’t want to live inside of you.

 

I am sorry that I unlearned all this too late

that I never thanked you

for being here for me

all this time

even when I tried to hurt you

You always took your time

To forgive me

and you never stopped holding me up

 

You are my body

Not someone else’s property defined

by the norms of society

 

you are my body

You are sacred

You are enough

And from now on

I am going to love you

 

Sincerely ,

Vanessa

 

We Cry With No Tears

We cry with no tears

Let me sleep

And never wake up

Let me be free

Let me be brave

 

Suffer no more

Let me be free

Let me be brave

May there always be mercy

In the black and blue I see

Black and Blue

When I first met the dark shadow

I was sixteen years old

They sat on my pillow and whispered to my ears

Noises that sounded like words

 

I took a look at its black and blue

And noticed how it was slightly penetrating me

The voices became louder

Existence is futile

I was told

You are a burden

I was told

 

That was the first time I met the dark shadow

The faces of black and blue

As I listened to its noises that sounded like words

It took away a piece of my soul

 

I was eighteen years old

The black and blue were no longer gentle

They dwelled inside me and fed on pleasure

Exhale cruelly nothing but woe and sadness

I could feel the fragmental pieces of my soul

Started to vanish

Little by little

 

I was nineteen years old

I could not envision a world

Where there are no dark shadows

I could see myself fading away

Colors coming off of my body

Disappearing into the winds

I was a funeral in process

Drowning in black and blue

Gasping for air

 

I was twenty years old

I had forgotten how to smile

There is nothing left in me

Resistance is exhausting

I thought

 

Therefore, one night

Black and blue guided me to the kitchen knife

Taught me how to use it

Guaranteed that this was the only remedy to my agony

I heard they say

You died many years ago, anyway

You are a burden, anyway

A waste of space

A mistake

A flawed creature

Come on

Just do it

And end this inane existence

 

I am twenty one now

Black and blue are still inside of me

The mark I made on my left arm

Still itches somehow

It is the screeching sound made by black and blue

The traces of their mockery

But I

I am still here somehow

I am still here

 

I am twenty one now

I am learning how to breathe

Black and blue still talk to me

But I have learnt how not to listen

 

I am not

a burden or an apology

I am a flawed creature

But that does not make me any less of a human

I am a warrior

I am a survivor

 

Black and blue are still inside of me

But I am not just black and blue this time

I am also love, compassion and kindness

I am the mixture of everything

Everything that I have ever seen or heard

 

I am not

Not just black and blue this time