How Did I Get Here

How did I get here?

My sorrow

The endless pain is always there

Lurking and ready to launch an onslaught

I marched upon the corpse of my own

 

I have died so many times

And resurrected just as many

my every decease

is blurred in memory

and so is my every birth

scattered in yesterday’s history

 

I may not remember my birth

Or my death

But I remember the hurt

It lingers and accumulates

I remember my heart ached

For all the times I’ve passed away

 

My heart mourned

Every time when I was born

I remember the hurt

So much

Like a river that never dries

Finding its way to the ocean

The ocean of pain

 

I cannot feel anymore

This life

I cannot bear another

I cannot confront the sadness

that has dwelled inside me

since the beginning of time

not anymore

 

I am used to it

Afraid of it

Sick of it

But depend on it

Because without it

What am I ?

 

My illness

may be the most interesting thing about me

My illness is my curse

My illness is punishment for my existence

it makes sure the fortunate incidents

turn into a miserable experience

 

It is present when I’m joyful

present when I am despondent

present when good things happen

 

I am completely drained because of it

No more energy left

for another pointless battle

I cannot conquer or win

 

I have tried

Yet it mocks me with each victory

I am scared and numb and tired

All at the same time

 

I just want to be free of this chain

Free of this world

I just want to disappear

Like what the sadness has wished

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s