How much more does this life ask of me

As if every single breath isn’t already an agony

How much more do I have to do

To live right

When rules are written plain in sight




My body is drowning

My lungs are filled with swallowed words

This body is burning

I feel anguish

When all I want to do is love




I smile at you

I make jokes with you


I wear makeup

So the dark circles around my eyes

won’t be noticed

So the evidence of pain on my face

Won’t be brought up

So the sleepless nights

Or nightmares

Or panic attacks

Can all be concealed by a mask


I laugh

So you think I’m normal

Or perfect

Or perhaps proper




I dress well

Like my parents taught me


I hide behind my attire

So you can’t see me




I hide in my bed

Counting from one to ten

And from ten to one

Waiting for today to go by

I just want today to go by


I hide

I am used to hiding and waiting

After all, that’s what I do best




I say the right things at the right time

I eat the right things at the right time

I do the right things at the right time

Trying to control my life

As if doing so would make things right


Or perhaps just trying not to fail or bail again

Since society has a problem with failures and losers


Or perhaps it was my dad’s voice in my head

Warning me not to disappoint him again




When you do something over and over again

It loses its meaning

I wake up and go to bed and wake up and go to bed


I feel like a zombie

No meaning in repeating

I try and I fail and I try again and fail again

What’s the point in trying

If I am doomed to lose the race




You say I am lucky

And I know I have been

But right now I’m dying in slow motion

and there’s no room for appreciation

when I am murdering myself instinctively




you ask about my past

you ask what’s on my mind

penny for a thought

I’m scared of telling you the truth

Because then you would dread me too




I say I’m tired

I tell you I am drained

But you don’t listen

You nod like you understand

But can you even stand straight

If you were in my shoes




How much more do I have to do

To survive

What meaning does there lie

If death is not the solution




How many times do I have to repeat

Just how much I am drowning

How many secrets do I have to keep

Before I start to feel better

If I will ever feel better

And what’s the meaning in getting better

If death is still waiting for me



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