Tag: ptsd

Lost in Depression 

I try so hard to do everything right

I try so hard to survive

But it seems like I can never win with life

 

What I do today

Getting out of bed

Going to classes

Trying to digest

The rules to survive

 

Celebrate every little victory

For what?

Today is a forgotten memory

Today is the repeating beat of an elegy

The success of today

Soon becomes the dust of tomorrow

 

Two years of therapy

No guarantee of recovery

I am dying every day

Again and again

You said you’d help me

But you won’t and you can’t

For all you can say is words

For all you can do is actions that distract

 

end of the day

I’m still suffering alone

Drowning and dying

Chained to the walls with the monster in me

I’m afraid that you only see

the monster inside me

Sometimes I too believe

I am the beast that deceives

Twelve

One

 

How much more does this life ask of me

As if every single breath isn’t already an agony

How much more do I have to do

To live right

When rules are written plain in sight

 

Two

 

My body is drowning

My lungs are filled with swallowed words

This body is burning

I feel anguish

When all I want to do is love

 

Three

 

I smile at you

I make jokes with you

 

I wear makeup

So the dark circles around my eyes

won’t be noticed

So the evidence of pain on my face

Won’t be brought up

So the sleepless nights

Or nightmares

Or panic attacks

Can all be concealed by a mask

 

I laugh

So you think I’m normal

Or perfect

Or perhaps proper

 

Four

 

I dress well

Like my parents taught me

Presentable

I hide behind my attire

So you can’t see me

 

Five

 

I hide in my bed

Counting from one to ten

And from ten to one

Waiting for today to go by

I just want today to go by

 

I hide

I am used to hiding and waiting

After all, that’s what I do best

 

Six

 

I say the right things at the right time

I eat the right things at the right time

I do the right things at the right time

Trying to control my life

As if doing so would make things right

 

Or perhaps just trying not to fail or bail again

Since society has a problem with failures and losers

 

Or perhaps it was my dad’s voice in my head

Warning me not to disappoint him again

 

Seven

 

When you do something over and over again

It loses its meaning

I wake up and go to bed and wake up and go to bed

 

I feel like a zombie

No meaning in repeating

I try and I fail and I try again and fail again

What’s the point in trying

If I am doomed to lose the race

 

Eight

 

You say I am lucky

And I know I have been

But right now I’m dying in slow motion

and there’s no room for appreciation

when I am murdering myself instinctively

 

Nine

 

you ask about my past

you ask what’s on my mind

penny for a thought

I’m scared of telling you the truth

Because then you would dread me too

 

Ten

 

I say I’m tired

I tell you I am drained

But you don’t listen

You nod like you understand

But can you even stand straight

If you were in my shoes

 

Eleven

 

How much more do I have to do

To survive

What meaning does there lie

If death is not the solution

 

Twelve

 

How many times do I have to repeat

Just how much I am drowning

How many secrets do I have to keep

Before I start to feel better

If I will ever feel better

And what’s the meaning in getting better

If death is still waiting for me

 

1246

1246 days

of sobriety

 

3 years

4 months

4 weeks

alcohol-free

 

The drunk version of me

Erased by memory

The crazy days

The erotic encounters

All seem so blurred

Lost in history

 

Buried deep in the dirt

Along with my lonely tears

The hearts I’ve broken

Friends who fled away

The relationships that faded

The sins I committed

People I lost faith in

All buried deep in the dirt

 

Bottles after bottles of alcohol

Demeanor of self-deception

Trusting that alcohol was alleviation

And yet left alone

with empty bottles

Empty as I was

Piled up like my troubles

Taking up all the spaces

Mocking my last sanity

 

Whiskey tasted like self-love

The next morning it reeked agony from my inside

the smell lingered

for 3 years

4 months

4 weeks

the mistakes I’ve made

all buried deep in the dirt

yet always there as a reminder

 

1246 days

alcohol-free

sobriety enables me to see

all the misery

clear and fair

what I suffer

How I suffer

the pain is greater when I am sober

I live through the sadness I try so hard to ignore

 

the past never truly disappeared

always there as a mockery

reminding me of all the failures

the worst version of me I have ever been

 

choosing recovery

but trapped in memory lane

the illusion of how whiskey can cure

seems so tempting

my mental disease

all relied on it

 

1246 days

alcohol-free

every today

is followed by a struggling yesterday

every hopeful tomorrow

is constructed by a skeptical today

 

3 years

4 months

4 weeks

of recovery

 

recovery glows flowers

adorning the grave I dug for myself

white and yellow flowers

on the dirt I buried my history

white as I my heart is now pure

yellow as the sun spreads hope

 

Letter to Self: I Know

Hey, there

Don’t dwell on your sadness

I know it’s not easy

The sadness is always there

It is your personal bully

I know it’s confusing

about the nature of it

or the cause of this endless torture

 

I know you are sad

even when you are not

I know you are smiling

when you are bleeding inside

quietly

 

I know you believe

you don’t deserve to be happy

so much

that you reject all the possibilities

 

I know you are scared

of all the uncertainties

That’s why you try so hard

to find meaning in all things

That’s why you want answers

To your bewilderedness

about everything in this society

Or maybe just an answer to

that little monster that lives inside you

 

I know you don’t want to be

a zombie again

I know there’s no more time to waste

in your life

 

I know you are still searching

for a place you can call home

a home that’s yours to own

and yours only

 

I know you are trying so hard

to survive

I know you are forcing yourself

to be strong

Because you are convinced

that’s the only choice left

I know you don’t want to be vulnerable

I know you don’t want to feel the hurt again

 

I know that I love you

Even when I don’t

Depression Is

You talk about it

Like it’s something casual

There’s nothing casual about it

 

Depression is not casual

It is not just being troubled

It is not a cold

Which you can recover from in days

 

Depression is an assassin

Depression is the shadow that follows behind

Depression is the dark hole that consumes

Depression is me

 

Depression is the twisted state of mind

It is knowing that there’s something not right

But don’t know what it is

Don’t know how to fix it

Utterly clueless

 

It is being completely blind

Searching in darkness

Everything I touch makes me bleed

 

It is drowning in my own tears

Until I lose the ability to cry

To feel sadness

Or anything at all

Until numbness

is the only thing remains

 

Depression is the defense mechanism

A bubble that claims to keep me safe

As long as I stay in it

And believe in the projections it shows

 

Depression is something I keep in my pocket

Always with me

Wherever I am

Whomever I’m with

It tells me how to act

And not to take it out

So others won’t acknowledge

 

It is a tenant that checks in

Out of the blue

And my body is the landlord

It brings its friends over

Anxiety

Panic attacks

They party all night

Playing horror movies

I toss and turn

Can’t fall asleep for nights

 

Depression stays in my body

It is trying to take over

It gives me a mask

Ask me to wear it

So no one can see

While every cell in me

Is turning into depression

 

It is the bad neighbor

Drilling the walls

Filling my room with lousy noises

And yet filing complaints against me

 

Depression is not casual

Depression is the paralyzing negativity

It is transparent yet so powerful

It keeps me in bed

Everyone away

 

Depression makes sure that I am alone

So it can fulfil its duty

The task of an assassin

 

Depression is choosing recovery

over and over again

failing and succeeding and failing again

it is a loophole in time

repeating everything every time

 

it is hiding the beauty in life

says the blue sky is grey

or the loving friends don’t care

or universe has abandoned me

or I belong to the wrong galaxy

 

Depression

Is the devil with a thousand tricks

It is the opposite of life

It is not having a voice

Or a choice

 

Depression is many things

It is definitely not

Not casual

Like how you talk about it

For how Many Times

For how many times

we sob in the dark

Alone

Silent

 

For how many times

we believe in the person

Who claimed to help

Yet keeps us in suspense

Because they have their own problems too

 

For how many times

We wait to be saved

Until we are tired of waiting

And we only fall deeper

Still left alone

 

For how many times

we tell ourselves

everything will be okay

When we feel like a wreckage

 

For how many times

we drag our dead bodies along the way

Just so we can see the light at the end of the tunnel

 

For how many times

we look fear in the eyes

And cry but never give up

 

For how many times

we are melting down inside

But still keeping a smile on the outside

 

For how many times

We betray our heart

Just so we can get a nod

from someone else

 

For how many times

our tongues deceive our soul

Until we are lost in all the lies

 

For how many times

we seek death for relief

Yet see the sins we commit

 

For how many times

we punish ourselves

for the mistakes we made in the past

And hate ourselves for it

 

For how many times

We forget that we

Are a work in progress

 

For how many times

we do something over and over again

Until it loses its meaning

 

For how many times

we say I love you

Repeatedly

Until it becomes an empty promise

 

For how many times

we break others’ heart

Just so we can protect our own

 

For how many times

we wail in the shower

Hide in the closet

Cry our lungs out

And come out wearing a mask

 

For how many times

we hide and hide and hide

Until we disappear

Until the world forgets about us

Until the universe has decided to stop torturing us

 

For how many times

God closed down one window

And forgets about us

 

For how many times

we pick up the shattered pieces of yesterday

And try to glue them back together

In vain

 

For how many times

we feel like we don’t belong

Like a burden

Unwanted

 

For how many times

the only thing we fear

Is life itself

 

Panic Attack

I’m shaking

My visions blurred

Something’s stuck in my chest

I can’t breathe

smothered by air

 

I swallowed the tablet

Waiting in panic

Thirty more minutes

Then I should feel normal again

 

Everything has a noise now

My heartbeat is too loud

It is pounding too hard

I may just be shattered

And no one would notice

 

I am sitting here like a stone

I look normal

Yet every cell I have

Is deteriorating so drastically

I can hear them dying

I can hear them screaming for help

 

I can’t move my limbs

They are not mine now

I can see them

But they are so distant

 

I can hear my teeth clicking

So loudly in my head

Like a ticking bomb

I feel like it’s going to explode

 

I think I’m about to die

There’s no air in my lungs

My tongue is dry

My thoughts all tangled

They are shouting at me

Yelling and blaming

 

My body can’t take it

I may just be dying

I can’t cope with this

Ten more minutes

Until the tablet fulfils its duty

 

Every muscle I have is on guard

They know I am about to go

My body is rejecting my soul

They want it out

Ten minutes are too long

 

I am about to collapse

And nobody would notice

This is the end

Dying as a stone

Without a soul

 

Five more minutes

Goodbye, all

I don’t know what I’m fighting for

Set free my soul

so my body can rest

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Happy Family

For once I am grateful

Things are not perfect, I know

And things never will be

They can’t be

 

I will always be looking

into other people’s windows

What’s in their homes

I will always want a complete family

One that is happy

 

I realized years ago

I made it my personal quest

To find the perfect family

joyous and flawless

 

As if finding one

could bring me answers

I think years ago

what I wanted was hope

A possibility that one day

I could be happy too

I just didn’t know

 

But it was an unpractical dream

I did find happy families

But the happiness

was never permanent

Happiness wasn’t supposed to be present

at all moments

 

Even the one family I found

That came closest to what I supposed

a happy family should be

There are still hard times, disappointments

 

But during those moments

They surrounded each other

with love and acceptance

No blaming, no anger, no quarrels

Just support and acceptance

Not even a moment of hatred

 

I guess at that point

I kind of found ‘the’ family

And I wanted to make it mine too

They let me in

Included me like one of them

 

I thought I was finally happy

But there was still some void inside me

I noticed them

when I was trying to look away

 

The quest was a failure

I found ‘the’ family

But it still couldn’t fill up

the emptiness in me

 

When they eventually told me

about my family

For once I found contentment

Felt relieved

 

Because they thought we always looked so happy

And that they always saw so much love

When my father looked at me

The way he looked at me

 

They thought ‘we’ were the perfect family

The one I thought had been broken

They thought we were perfect

Somehow I had no memories

of what they were saying

 

But that gave me relief

I finally found answers to the questions

which I didn’t know I had

My father did love me once

 

They saw what they wanted to see

And thought we were perfect

I saw what I wanted to see

And thought they were perfect

 

But besides all that

Every family has their difficulties

No matter how fortunate they seem

There are still stories untold

Kept as secrets

Hoping others won’t notice

Keeping the appearances of perfection

 

Years later now

I’d say we are finally happy

Separated and apart

But happy

 

Most people would say

we are a broken family now

 

But individually

we are happy and content

Together we support each other

With love and acceptance

like I once witnessed myself

 

We are not perfect

But we are happy

We don’t have much

But we are happy

 

Like how mom and dad once were

They didn’t have much

But they were happy

Hope kept them together

Their imagination created the future

They were young and fulfilling dreams

Not perfect but very happy

 

And maybe now I can be too

 

Reflections

Complicated things by trying to fix it

Bad decisions after one another

Little bread crumbs that lead to despair

Hope is a trick

Only the fortunate can discover

 

Trying to find meaning yet stuck in a maze

gazing at the moon waiting to be saved

stumbling and falling I can never walk straight

energy only ever wasted

on the wrong people

 

all I’ve ever wanted is to be free

here I am tamed in a cage

all I’ve wished for is to be brave

here I am abandoned and scared

 

waking up from nightmares

only finding reality more formidable

traps and monsters are just as cruel

 

looking down into the lake

and see my reflection

I am the very monster from which

I am running away

A dream that can’t be awaken

A trap I can’t escape

 

But then a shadow floated across

Touching my chin with grace

And I stare into its gaze

A child crying at an empty place

Dark and gloomy like a wraith

 

The kid looks back from the shadow’s pupils

I see my childhood face plain as day

A monster yet to be made

Hurt and broken but still can be saved

 

I wish I could hug her in this parallel space

I want to tell her everything is going to be okay

Your future doesn’t have to be this way

There is still a chance for things to change

 

It is not to late

For you to erase the pain

Hurt and broken but still can be saved

 

The metal flesh can be ablated

And you can see the peace inside it

The soft cotton heart you’ve been hiding all this time

It is pure and it is a gate

A ticket to wonderland

So you can for once be the fortunate

 

Look upon the sky

And see the moonlight shines

on a silver lake

there shall be no more reflections of monsters

or the atrocious cage

but just a kid

discovering her way

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note to Self: Things I’ve Learned from Depression

Embrace every moment

You are not depression

You are more than your illness

 

resentment

is a cage you need to escape

resentment against others

is always resentment against oneself

 

Fear is not to be afraid of

Look fear right into the eyes

they are not the enemy

do everything with grace and integrity

love your own company

 

Your emotions are valid

Don’t deny them

Observe them

Understand and accept

 

Don’t be afraid to fail

Mistakes and failures constitute success

Learn with acceptance

never devalue yourself

 

when someone achieves what you are aiming for

be happy for them

They probably work just as hard as you do

if not more so

 

try to go outside at least once a day

don’t dwell in an episode

it’s okay not to be okay

and love as many people as you can

along the way

 

Give

Give everything you have

and ask for nothing in return

It’ll make you a happier person

 

Be who you needed

when you were younger

you have fought

to be the person you are today

don’t underestimate

the strength you possess within

and don’t degrade others

just so you can feel better

 

stand tall and firm

for what you believe in

but reserve the right to be wrong

at all times

constantly and regularly

examine your opinions

Make sure they don’t evolve into prejudices

 

Always be curious

Ask questions

Fight for your rights

don’t compromise yourself

you are all you’ve got

 

Happiness and realization

come in the most unexpected forms sometimes

Never reject anything at first sight

 

don’t be afraid to change

We are all different people throughout our lives

and that’s good

We have to move on

Allow others to change too

 

you can’t find peace by avoiding life

Focus on one day at a time

Let other people’s biases stay as their biases

It is what you do at the moment that defines you

And that changes all the time too

 

there’s always room and time

for acts of kindness

there will always be uncertainties

We are all lost in some degree

and that’s okay

we are all the same

Everyone’s struggling with something

We all get desperate sometimes

So be kind

 

you don’t need to have sex to be sexy

your sexuality is yours

Own it

you don’t need to be hungry to feel pretty

please exercise and eat

Take care of your body

you’re gonna need it

 

If you see peace

you can find energy

If there’s not much you can do

grow a plant, or anything

then at least

you’re doing something good for earth

 

Don’t go wherever the crowds go

You matter the most

do what feels right to you

never judge

You always know less than what you think you do

 

You are enough

you are many things

yet there’s one thing you never do

you never give up

 

It’s all luck

Don’t take credit for your success

nor blame others for your failure

always put yourself out there

Try new things

Remember that you can always go home

 

The kingdom of heaven is within

Remember your religion

You are not other people’s voices in your head

you saved yourself

You,

you did it