Tag: mentalillness

A W.A.R.M. Poem

Warm,

When you feel cold inside

Lonely and blinded

Lost in this tunnel without any light

We will share our warmth with you

Let you know we are all the same

On this stage we call life

 

Suffering too

But we will hold your hands

And we will march together

In this tunnel without any light

 

I promise you

One day you will see

The meaning behind our destiny

One day,

it will all makes sense to you

one day,

you will feel the warmth surrounding you

like it always has been

 

Anonymous

Our pain is anonymous

Our struggle is anonymous

Our names are anonymous

Our existence is anonymous

 

But that is only for today

One day,

Our pain will transform in to the starry night

of Van gogh’s beauty

our colors

will be so vivid that it ignites fire in the heart of others

 

one day,

our struggle will be no more

our past will be known

it will no longer be anonymous

it’s name will be bravery

 

one day,

our names will be told

for we are the ones that stand straight

when our worlds are crumbling

 

for we are the ones that love

as many people as we can

along the way

 

for we

are the ones

that never stop reaching out

 

one day,

our existence will shine as the light

at the end of other people’s tunnels

our existence will leave traces of footsteps

for the lost ones to follow

and one day,

they will find their paths too

 

Reconnecting,

Side by side, we are not alone

No matter what it was like before

It will be like that no more

 

Picking up the pieces of yesterday

Together we complete

the most complicated puzzles in the world

broken pieces glued back together

joint effort

we find our lost selves

rediscovering dignity that we thought disappeared

reinforcing the strength that was hidden deep inside

 

together, we see our destiny

together, we conquer

together, we support each other

together, we build our own stories

together, we are no longer alone

 

mentally,

we see your true mentality

not the mask you wear

painted by society

 

with us, you can take your mask off safely

with us, we are connected mentally

with us, we will support you unconditionally

with us, you can be the you

that you have always meant to be

 

women anonymous reconnecting mentally,

WARM,

We are free from society’s norms

We do not need to conform anymore

We are creating our own identity

We are reclaiming control

We are the differences

we want to see

in the world

 

 

 

 

 

 

Am I Taking Back Control

Am I taking back control

by doing this

I ponder as I sit

with a bottle of sleeping pills before me

I stare at it

As I ponder if I am taking back control

By doing this

 

According to Buddhism

I chose to be reborn

If that is the truth to be told

I regret it

I regret being born

Growing up in this world

I regret it

I regret choosing to come back

to this

 

I am drained

No energy left

Did I consent to being born

Did I agree to this world

 

I was sent into a cosmic

Which is a bad mistake

Sometimes I think

I am the bad mistake

 

 

What is a mistake

Choosing life or ending it

Taking back control

because I didn’t agree to it

 

I ponder as I sit

with a bottle of sleeping pills before me

 

 

 

 

Dear Depression

Dear depression,

 

I am not your possession

You cast a shadow upon me

A shadow that follows

A shadow that swallows

all the light there is in me

 

Dear depression,

You convinced me

that I am yours to own

You are my bully

My murderer

 

Dear depression

But I am not your possession

You did not kill me

You did not take away the fire in me

 

Dear depression,

When you tell me to jump from the window

I say no

When you tell me

Existence is only hollow

I say no

When you tell me I am forever alone

I have my boyfriend’s hand to hold

And I say no

 

Dear depression,

I will not give you my submission

I am not your possession

I am not yours to own

 

Dear depression

For every tear you make me shed

I will giggle and and laugh a thousand times more

For every suicidal thought you put in me

I will think of my family

For all the energy you steal from me

I am determined

not to let you win

 

You may make me weak and stuck in bed

With the kind of exhaustion sleep can’t fix

But you can’t take away my belief

You can not deceive me

I will not drown like this

 

Dear depression,

I am not your possession

Or your puppet

 

For every reason you demand me to die

I will give you a thousand more reasons to stay alive

 

Dear depression,

I am telling you

I will not vanish without a fight

I am telling you

There are so much more for me to do

In this life

I am telling you

There are so much more I want to achieve

 

And you

Dear depression,

You sneaky thief

that steals and lies

You will not conquer me

I am not one of your shadows

I am not yours to own

 

Dear depression,

I am not yours to own.

 

 

 

There Are No Seats For Me On The MRT       

There are no seats for me on the MRT

Dark blue for the priority seats

But no seats for the blue body that carries me

 

The blue mind

The blue mind that made me consider suicide

 

Yesterday

The blue mind made me consider suicide

Today

I still managed to be alive

Barely living

Struggled but finally got out of the door

Just to go to school

 

I am barely alive

I have died a million times

resurrected just as many

 

Yet

There are no seats for me on the MRT

When I missed my meals three days in a row

When I stayed in bed and it was a world’s distance

From my bed to the door

When I stared at the ceiling in darkness three days in a row

 

Today,

I am still perishing,

But I got out of the door

and tried my best to go to school

But the dark blue priority seats

are not for the dark blue mind

is my mental health not a priority?

Is my existence not a priority?

 

The lady next to me asked if I was sick,

Because I sat on the dark blue seat with my dark blue mind

I replied “yes”

She said,

“doesn’t seem like it.

You look young and healthy”

 

Invisible,

My dark blue is invisible

My scars are invisible

 

I fight with my Illness every day

And every moment

 

Yet when I am feeling my worst

When I barely have the strength to live

When I am broken into a thousand pieces

When I am just trying to go to school

There are no seats for me on the MRT

Lost Meaning

When we do something over and over again

It loses its meaning

 

We say I love you to each other

Over and over again

And it loses its meaning

 

We kiss over and over again

And it loses its meaning

 

We talk about our days

Over and over again

And it loses its meaning

 

I breathe and breathe again

Until it loses its meaning

 

I am drowning in this ocean of lost meaning

Soaking in despondency

But you are on a safe boat

Not rocky nor defeated

 

I am drowning in this ocean of lost meaning

You reached out your hand

Attempting to pull me back

I see your eyes, shining

Like how you’ve always looked at me

Full of hope and affection

I’m afraid I can’t live up to your expectation

 

You reached out your hand

With that smile on your face

The smile a bit brisky

A bit naughty

 

You’ve gazed at me with those eyes and smiles

Since the beginning of our stories

The voices in my head is in repetition

About how one day

I’ll look at you like that

But by then you will look at me

like how I’m looking at you now

 

You ask what can be done

To get me back on the boat

And I say no to every suggestion

I guess because of self-loathing

 

I think I need to drown

After all, I have fought and lost

Perhaps in the water is where I belong

This ocean of lost meaning

 

 

 

The Mask

we all wear it

the mask

a smile or a dance

laughter or music

 

scars hidden

we don’t talk about it

 

for a conversation

it’s not always the best topic

 

loved ones in the past

whom we sealed in a bottle

because they hurt us

and we haven’t let go

or we let them fall

and they left for another land

or they hurt themselves

and we could have done something about it

 

we don’t talk about it

the things that pained us

the sadness we thought we buried

that comes out when we don’t notice

the mistakes we have made

the loneliness we feel in bed

 

the nights we toss and turn

because the mask has fallen

the wounds are not transparent

not disguising its existence

 

we don’t talk about it

but we all wear it

the mask

it seems like a taboo

to talk about you

or me

or him

or her

or being lost again

 

we have been taught

what’s positive or negative

what’s strong and what’s weak

to snap out of it

so we wear a mask

so the things we are afraid of

won’t be brought up

so we won’t be blamed again

 

we wear a colorful mask

when we are hollow all day

suffering in our own way

but we don’t talk about it

afraid to be judged

afraid to cause harm

afraid to be exposed

afraid

just afraid

the mask covers so we don’t have to face

 

we all wear the mask

pretending to be okay

at a dinner party

friends’ gathering

important jobs

or maybe in a pub

characters we play

on this stage we call life

 

we should start talking about it

we should stop the judging and start understanding

start loving

start forgiving, you and me

we should leave people better than we found them

not let them fade

behind the mask

 

we should start talking about it

we should be okay with not being okay

with every hey are you okay

it should be a question full of love and respect

not a social gesture that’s a bit awkward

 

we should make others comfortable

feel safe

feel less alone

because in the end we are all the same

we are together in this place called life

and we should stop wearing the mask

by being the one that starts loving

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lost in Depression 

I try so hard to do everything right

I try so hard to survive

But it seems like I can never win with life

 

What I do today

Getting out of bed

Going to classes

Trying to digest

The rules to survive

 

Celebrate every little victory

For what?

Today is a forgotten memory

Today is the repeating beat of an elegy

The success of today

Soon becomes the dust of tomorrow

 

Two years of therapy

No guarantee of recovery

I am dying every day

Again and again

You said you’d help me

But you won’t and you can’t

For all you can say is words

For all you can do is actions that distract

 

end of the day

I’m still suffering alone

Drowning and dying

Chained to the walls with the monster in me

I’m afraid that you only see

the monster inside me

Sometimes I too believe

I am the beast that deceives

Twelve

One

 

How much more does this life ask of me

As if every single breath isn’t already an agony

How much more do I have to do

To live right

When rules are written plain in sight

 

Two

 

My body is drowning

My lungs are filled with swallowed words

This body is burning

I feel anguish

When all I want to do is love

 

Three

 

I smile at you

I make jokes with you

 

I wear makeup

So the dark circles around my eyes

won’t be noticed

So the evidence of pain on my face

Won’t be brought up

So the sleepless nights

Or nightmares

Or panic attacks

Can all be concealed by a mask

 

I laugh

So you think I’m normal

Or perfect

Or perhaps proper

 

Four

 

I dress well

Like my parents taught me

Presentable

I hide behind my attire

So you can’t see me

 

Five

 

I hide in my bed

Counting from one to ten

And from ten to one

Waiting for today to go by

I just want today to go by

 

I hide

I am used to hiding and waiting

After all, that’s what I do best

 

Six

 

I say the right things at the right time

I eat the right things at the right time

I do the right things at the right time

Trying to control my life

As if doing so would make things right

 

Or perhaps just trying not to fail or bail again

Since society has a problem with failures and losers

 

Or perhaps it was my dad’s voice in my head

Warning me not to disappoint him again

 

Seven

 

When you do something over and over again

It loses its meaning

I wake up and go to bed and wake up and go to bed

 

I feel like a zombie

No meaning in repeating

I try and I fail and I try again and fail again

What’s the point in trying

If I am doomed to lose the race

 

Eight

 

You say I am lucky

And I know I have been

But right now I’m dying in slow motion

and there’s no room for appreciation

when I am murdering myself instinctively

 

Nine

 

you ask about my past

you ask what’s on my mind

penny for a thought

I’m scared of telling you the truth

Because then you would dread me too

 

Ten

 

I say I’m tired

I tell you I am drained

But you don’t listen

You nod like you understand

But can you even stand straight

If you were in my shoes

 

Eleven

 

How much more do I have to do

To survive

What meaning does there lie

If death is not the solution

 

Twelve

 

How many times do I have to repeat

Just how much I am drowning

How many secrets do I have to keep

Before I start to feel better

If I will ever feel better

And what’s the meaning in getting better

If death is still waiting for me

 

1246

1246 days

of sobriety

 

3 years

4 months

4 weeks

alcohol-free

 

The drunk version of me

Erased by memory

The crazy days

The erotic encounters

All seem so blurred

Lost in history

 

Buried deep in the dirt

Along with my lonely tears

The hearts I’ve broken

Friends who fled away

The relationships that faded

The sins I committed

People I lost faith in

All buried deep in the dirt

 

Bottles after bottles of alcohol

Demeanor of self-deception

Trusting that alcohol was alleviation

And yet left alone

with empty bottles

Empty as I was

Piled up like my troubles

Taking up all the spaces

Mocking my last sanity

 

Whiskey tasted like self-love

The next morning it reeked agony from my inside

the smell lingered

for 3 years

4 months

4 weeks

the mistakes I’ve made

all buried deep in the dirt

yet always there as a reminder

 

1246 days

alcohol-free

sobriety enables me to see

all the misery

clear and fair

what I suffer

How I suffer

the pain is greater when I am sober

I live through the sadness I try so hard to ignore

 

the past never truly disappeared

always there as a mockery

reminding me of all the failures

the worst version of me I have ever been

 

choosing recovery

but trapped in memory lane

the illusion of how whiskey can cure

seems so tempting

my mental disease

all relied on it

 

1246 days

alcohol-free

every today

is followed by a struggling yesterday

every hopeful tomorrow

is constructed by a skeptical today

 

3 years

4 months

4 weeks

of recovery

 

recovery glows flowers

adorning the grave I dug for myself

white and yellow flowers

on the dirt I buried my history

white as I my heart is now pure

yellow as the sun spreads hope

 

Letter to Self: I Know

Hey, there

Don’t dwell on your sadness

I know it’s not easy

The sadness is always there

It is your personal bully

I know it’s confusing

about the nature of it

or the cause of this endless torture

 

I know you are sad

even when you are not

I know you are smiling

when you are bleeding inside

quietly

 

I know you believe

you don’t deserve to be happy

so much

that you reject all the possibilities

 

I know you are scared

of all the uncertainties

That’s why you try so hard

to find meaning in all things

That’s why you want answers

To your bewilderedness

about everything in this society

Or maybe just an answer to

that little monster that lives inside you

 

I know you don’t want to be

a zombie again

I know there’s no more time to waste

in your life

 

I know you are still searching

for a place you can call home

a home that’s yours to own

and yours only

 

I know you are trying so hard

to survive

I know you are forcing yourself

to be strong

Because you are convinced

that’s the only choice left

I know you don’t want to be vulnerable

I know you don’t want to feel the hurt again

 

I know that I love you

Even when I don’t