love – Butterfly Poetry

A Letter to The 10 Years Ago Me

Dear me,

When your brother told you

Being chubby will greatly affect your popularity

His words, you should not believe.

Please, don’t eat half an apple a day

don’t exercise 5 hours a day

Just so you can feel pretty

You are beautiful, trust me, I know

You don’t have to be skinny to feel pretty

Or only feel happy when you’re hungry

You are one and only

Go out and eat

Go have fun with your mates

You’re just a kid

Stop counting the calories

I know it’s hard

When everyone believes in the same thing

The skinnier the better

But skinny girls bleed

And their wounds will never leave

Eating disorder is something you will later see

Don’t drink that whiskey

It is the beginning of your travesty

Don’t drink that whiskey

Just because he dared you to

Don’t drink that whiskey

Because you will soon drown in it

Cannot live without it

Cannot feel safe without it

Cannot exist without it

Don’t drink that whiskey

It will make you consider suicide

Don’t drink that whiskey

Because you have depression

And you just don’t know that yet

Depression and whiskey are not the combination

To fix your frustration

Don’t drink that whiskey

Because I know deeply you love yourself

When he forced you to touch him

Say no

when he said you’re too old to be this timid

say no

when he asked you to stay the night

say no

because if you don’t

it would be the second time you die

soul stolen

by the devil you love

heart broken

because he loves himself more than he loves you

and you do too

when you tried to jump out of the window

please don’t

when you tried to cut yourself

please don’t

when you swallowed all those pills

please don’t

I know it’s hard

I know how you feel

I have been there

I know

For now, the future is unknown

For now, the future is hollow

But please know

You will live over 21 years old

I know it’s hard to imagine

A life span that long

When suicide is the only thing you can think about

But that day will come

And on that day

You will not believe

how strong you have been

how you saved yourself

how you picked yourself up from the ground

how you stood tall when all you could think about

was how many times you have died

a few years after that

you will find love

love is not a man

love is in the mirror

love is the people you have touched

love is something you will one day know

a few years after that

you will still have depression

you will still feel like drowning

but this time you won’t be alone

this time

you are not just depression any more

this time

you will fly

high and away

with the people you find beautiful

trust me when I say

this day will come

trust me

I have been there

I know

sincerely,

Lost Meaning

When we do something over and over again

It loses its meaning

We say I love you to each other

Over and over again

And it loses its meaning

We kiss over and over again

And it loses its meaning

We talk about our days

Over and over again

And it loses its meaning

I breathe and breathe again

Until it loses its meaning

I am drowning in this ocean of lost meaning

Soaking in despondency

But you are on a safe boat

Not rocky nor defeated

I am drowning in this ocean of lost meaning

You reached out your hand

Attempting to pull me back

I see your eyes, shining

Like how you’ve always looked at me

Full of hope and affection

I’m afraid I can’t live up to your expectation

You reached out your hand

With that smile on your face

The smile a bit brisky

A bit naughty

You’ve gazed at me with those eyes and smiles

Since the beginning of our stories

The voices in my head is in repetition

About how one day

I’ll look at you like that

But by then you will look at me

like how I’m looking at you now

You ask what can be done

To get me back on the boat

And I say no to every suggestion

I guess because of self-loathing

I think I need to drown

After all, I have fought and lost

Perhaps in the water is where I belong

This ocean of lost meaning

Stardust

The stars are falling

They were shiny

Up high in the sky

Now they are landing

more like crashing

Through galaxies

Losing bits and bits of their body

Floating away in outer space

They reached to planet earth

lonely on the crowded streets

in between buildings

scattered and no longer together

far away from each other

dust and mud

possibilities to be anything

adjusting is a must

at least that’s what they believe in

with the wind and water

they start to grow taller

alone but stronger

shaped as humans

yet among the creatures

they are all still strangers

awkward and bewildered

by every existence

adjusting is a must

but they are still slightly lost

their glow has disappeared

nothing to guide them in the dark

no one to admire them at nights

yet one day out on the streets

At places most mysterious

Or perhaps occasions known most commonly

Two stardusts meet

They are no longer wrecked pieces

This time they are full of stories

From falling to landing

From missing to establishing

From glowing to dimming

From subsiding to realizing

Two stardusts meet

No longer wrecked pieces

Now full of stories

Tall and strong already

Ready to admire the other

Ready to glow together

Heaven

simple logic does not apply here

colorful flowers grow in river

In our hands they disappear

leaves fall down from trees

but flow in air

They flicker

In all the ways we perceive

There is no time here

I lay under the sun and see

clouds forming into shapes of faces

faces I had known but not here with me

the clouds are moving paintings

telling stories

forever changing

I grab the leaves which flow in air

gaze deep into their golden surface

In the reflections I see

those who I love and hold dear

still in different layers in space

they are not here beside me

but one day they will be

In the jades that hang on trees

I see all the creatures I had been

my cycle of life that never stopped spinning

until now

for once I am finally free

free of birth and death

free of love and hate

completely liberated

in this land

existence is not important

I exist in the breeze

in flowers

in the river

in oceans

I am whatever I want to be

in this freedom I see clearly

there is a reason for everything

not necessarily a meaning

in this land there is no sadness

no need to search for meaning in things

for I have come to the end of the beginning

for the kingdom of heaven is within

The Mask

we all wear it

the mask

a smile or a dance

laughter or music

scars hidden

we don’t talk about it

for a conversation

it’s not always the best topic

loved ones in the past

whom we sealed in a bottle

because they hurt us

and we haven’t let go

or we let them fall

and they left for another land

or they hurt themselves

and we could have done something about it

we don’t talk about it

the things that pained us

the sadness we thought we buried

that comes out when we don’t notice

the mistakes we have made

the loneliness we feel in bed

the nights we toss and turn

because the mask has fallen

the wounds are not transparent

not disguising its existence

we don’t talk about it

but we all wear it

the mask

it seems like a taboo

to talk about you

or me

or him

or her

or being lost again

we have been taught

what’s positive or negative

what’s strong and what’s weak

to snap out of it

so we wear a mask

so the things we are afraid of

won’t be brought up

so we won’t be blamed again

we wear a colorful mask

when we are hollow all day

suffering in our own way

but we don’t talk about it

afraid to be judged

afraid to cause harm

afraid to be exposed

afraid

just afraid

the mask covers so we don’t have to face

we all wear the mask

pretending to be okay

at a dinner party

friends’ gathering

important jobs

or maybe in a pub

characters we play

on this stage we call life

we should start talking about it

we should stop the judging and start understanding

start loving

start forgiving, you and me

we should leave people better than we found them

not let them fade

behind the mask

we should start talking about it

we should be okay with not being okay

with every hey are you okay

it should be a question full of love and respect

not a social gesture that’s a bit awkward

we should make others comfortable

feel safe

feel less alone

because in the end we are all the same

we are together in this place called life

and we should stop wearing the mask

by being the one that starts loving

A Happy Family

For once I am grateful

Things are not perfect, I know

And things never will be

They can’t be

I will always be looking

into other people’s windows

What’s in their homes

I will always want a complete family

One that is happy

I realized years ago

I made it my personal quest

To find the perfect family

joyous and flawless

As if finding one

could bring me answers

I think years ago

what I wanted was hope

A possibility that one day

I could be happy too

I just didn’t know

But it was an unpractical dream

I did find happy families

But the happiness

was never permanent

Happiness wasn’t supposed to be present

at all moments

Even the one family I found

That came closest to what I supposed

a happy family should be

There are still hard times, disappointments

But during those moments

They surrounded each other

with love and acceptance

No blaming, no anger, no quarrels

Just support and acceptance

Not even a moment of hatred

I guess at that point

I kind of found ‘the’ family

And I wanted to make it mine too

They let me in

Included me like one of them

I thought I was finally happy

But there was still some void inside me

I noticed them

when I was trying to look away

The quest was a failure

I found ‘the’ family

But it still couldn’t fill up

the emptiness in me

When they eventually told me

about my family

For once I found contentment

Felt relieved

Because they thought we always looked so happy

And that they always saw so much love

When my father looked at me

The way he looked at me

They thought ‘we’ were the perfect family

The one I thought had been broken

They thought we were perfect

Somehow I had no memories

of what they were saying

But that gave me relief

I finally found answers to the questions

which I didn’t know I had

My father did love me once

They saw what they wanted to see

And thought we were perfect

I saw what I wanted to see

And thought they were perfect

But besides all that

Every family has their difficulties

No matter how fortunate they seem

There are still stories untold

Kept as secrets

Hoping others won’t notice

Keeping the appearances of perfection

Years later now

I’d say we are finally happy

Separated and apart

But happy

Most people would say

we are a broken family now

But individually

we are happy and content

Together we support each other

With love and acceptance

like I once witnessed myself

We are not perfect

But we are happy

We don’t have much

But we are happy

Like how mom and dad once were

They didn’t have much

But they were happy

Hope kept them together

Their imagination created the future

They were young and fulfilling dreams

Not perfect but very happy

And maybe now I can be too

Away You Have Flown

We had a home

It was just you and I

And now it’s unknown

No future at all

You promised not to hurt me

At least not intentionally

But you did, anyway

Stood there and watched me bleed

Away you have flown

Wings high and wide

Free of guarantee

I was young and naïve

You were all I wished for on Christmas eve

Three times in a row

To be precise

I tore down the white fences

Big bright windows

And built a wall around me

Tell myself not to write poetry

About you ever again

And yet here I am

Wishing for you on Christmas eve

Writing poems that leads back to you

I built a wall around me

To protect myself from you

In case you come back to me

How completely baffled I am

You were never coming back

Flying high and intact

While there are cracks

All over my wall

You’d do anything for me

Something you used to say tenderly

And that’s why I stop believing

Because you stood there and watched me bleed

And fled away from responsibility

You’d do anything for me

Yet left me all alone

When I needed you the most

stood there and watched me bleed

High and away you have flown

Tired

Tired of being tired

Tired of pretending

Tired of trying

Trying to find an identity

Trying to find a way home

Trying to find a home

Trying to be alone

There is never enough space

And I’m always looking for an escape

Always lost in this time or this thing

Tired of faking smiles

Tired of heartbreaks

Tired of society

Tired of conforming

Tired of rebelling

Tired of tracing the footsteps back to nothing

Tired of loving

Tired of emotions

Or the lack of them

Tired of not knowing

Questions after questions

Always in the quest of solutions

Tracing the footsteps back to the beginning

Tired of being scared

Uncertainties cause commotions

Tired of squeezing meaning

Into this empty existence

Everything happens for a reason

not necessarily for a meaning

Tired of making efforts to see

Across the ocean

There’s nothing over the rainbow

Tired of spinning

on what I thought was merry-go-round

Spinning so fast

Barely recognize the world

I can never be sure

If I am joyous or

Just mimicking others

Merry is a story

The going only gets tough

Rounds are a misbelief

Tired of explaining

Why I don’t want to play

Tired of living

Tired of being

Dismembered concept

Shattered moments

Of an ironic C’est la vie

Painting colors on air

Efforts in vain

Tired of being tired

Tired of trying

Tired of being wrong

Tired of being right

Tired of wondering

If there is an answer for anything

In this Ocean

I am a carved wooden boat

with the ever-changing wind I float

I guess we are all lost in some degree

Eyes blinded and cannot see

In this Ocean

I am a carved wooden boat

I turn my head around

Struggle to float against the force

my body stiffen

eyes wide open

with all the strength

the unassailable flow of nature I defy

Just to gaze again

at the breathtaking scenery

which I once sang and danced to

In this Ocean

I am a carved wooden boat

always almost immersed by water

but would never let myself be smothered

because of the moon upon me

that I have made a promise to

I will always be empty

The carpenter who made me

have not seen me in the ocean

The sailor who once paddled me

Left after the fourth sunset we watched

And I will always be searching

for a shore that I can call home

but will always end up with the cold embrace of the waves

I let the storm fill me with the rain

convincing myself that rain

can do what glue does

Rain will piece me back like a puzzle

Rain will appease the tempest in me

When the stars come out and the rain stop

I realize that the rain drops

were the reason why

there was a tempest in me at the first place

but I still miss how the rain showered me

and how comforting it was to not be empty

I blame the clouds for taking my heart away

It would be the twentieth sunset

that I realize

rain belongs to somewhere else

a garden or a river, perhaps

I will always be saying goodbye

to the carpenter who made me

to the sailor who once

taught me everything about the ocean

to the waves that pushed me forward

to the sunrise and sunset

to the cruises that sometimes pass by

and with every goodbye I say

there is a crack somewhere on my body.

Someone somewhere

Once told me a story about how there is a lighthouse

in the end of this ocean

I do not believe it

I have been floating alone

for too long

and the idea of a lighthouse

sounds only like a story

I have counted the sunset too many times

That I stop waiting for it

I start to enjoy the darkness

that follows the sunset

I rejoice in how lost I am

I wonder if I am also like the lighthouse

Just a story someone carelessly mentions

I ask yet again the moon

for some sort of wisdom

the ocean water has never been warmer or brighter

I don’t remember ever reaching out for this softness

It seems like the ocean water has been holding me up

from the very beginning

I just never really looked at them this way

Then I remember the story someone once told me

About how there is a lighthouse

In the end of this ocean

It became my only dream

I imagine

This sublime white tower

this building that looks as jaded as I will have become

emitting light into the impalpable

somehow

It would let me close my eyes

And drown

I would hear the sound of nothingness

in the bottom of this ocean

When I open my eyes

I will feel the touch of the lighthouse

As loving and gentle

like the first time I sailed

I would find myself

a part of the tower now

Emitting lights into the depths of the darkness

Untitled

When people mention him

I tell them, he

Is out of town, working

So I don’t have to explain

How he

Just left me

Praying to the stars

Crying myself to sleep

Picking up my cold trembling body

Out of the shower

Searching

For something to hold on

Staring

All day at that door

That he

May never enter again

At least

Not as him

I tell people, he

Is out of town, working

So there is no need to explain

How he is now

Less of a father

But more of a stranger

It is you

And I against the world together

Is what he used to tell me

It is now nothing

But an empty echo

A broken promise

The disappearing of a memory

I imagine

What he must have felt like

On the day he left

How he swore

Not to shed a tear

Not to regret

Not to look back

At his daughter

Who he could no longer hold

In his arms, anymore

I imagine

On the fast moving bus

With his body rested

And his perfectly hidden

Despondent look

There was something missing

Inside of him

10 miles, 20 miles, 200 miles

He became an empty vessel

As he whispered to himself

She will be fine

As if these words

Could refill the empty vessel

With his tentative dreams

Of ever having a daughter

The sweetness of yesterday

Vanished at the tip of his tongue

He tasted nothing

but air now

Nothing

But the bitterness of dying memories

He looked down

At the one-way ticket

He held in his hands

The person he used to call

His daughter

He could not touch, cannot feel

Could not recognize

The dimming lights behind her eyes

She is not

Not his daughter he used to hold

In his arms, anymore

It is you and I

Against the world together

Is just another empty echo

A broken promise

In her already shattered universe