Am I Taking Back Control

Am I taking back control

by doing this

I ponder as I sit

with a bottle of sleeping pills before me

I stare at it

As I ponder if I am taking back control

By doing this


According to Buddhism

I chose to be reborn

If that is the truth to be told

I regret it

I regret being born

Growing up in this world

I regret it

I regret choosing to come back

to this


I am drained

No energy left

Did I consent to being born

Did I agree to this world


I was sent into a cosmic

Which is a bad mistake

Sometimes I think

I am the bad mistake



What is a mistake

Choosing life or ending it

Taking back control

because I didn’t agree to it


I ponder as I sit

with a bottle of sleeping pills before me






There Are No Seats For Me On The MRT       

There are no seats for me on the MRT

Dark blue for the priority seats

But no seats for the blue body that carries me


The blue mind

The blue mind that made me consider suicide



The blue mind made me consider suicide


I still managed to be alive

Barely living

Struggled but finally got out of the door

Just to go to school


I am barely alive

I have died a million times

resurrected just as many



There are no seats for me on the MRT

When I missed my meals three days in a row

When I stayed in bed and it was a world’s distance

From my bed to the door

When I stared at the ceiling in darkness three days in a row



I am still perishing,

But I got out of the door

and tried my best to go to school

But the dark blue priority seats

are not for the dark blue mind

is my mental health not a priority?

Is my existence not a priority?


The lady next to me asked if I was sick,

Because I sat on the dark blue seat with my dark blue mind

I replied “yes”

She said,

“doesn’t seem like it.

You look young and healthy”



My dark blue is invisible

My scars are invisible


I fight with my Illness every day

And every moment


Yet when I am feeling my worst

When I barely have the strength to live

When I am broken into a thousand pieces

When I am just trying to go to school

There are no seats for me on the MRT

Lost Meaning

When we do something over and over again

It loses its meaning


We say I love you to each other

Over and over again

And it loses its meaning


We kiss over and over again

And it loses its meaning


We talk about our days

Over and over again

And it loses its meaning


I breathe and breathe again

Until it loses its meaning


I am drowning in this ocean of lost meaning

Soaking in despondency

But you are on a safe boat

Not rocky nor defeated


I am drowning in this ocean of lost meaning

You reached out your hand

Attempting to pull me back

I see your eyes, shining

Like how you’ve always looked at me

Full of hope and affection

I’m afraid I can’t live up to your expectation


You reached out your hand

With that smile on your face

The smile a bit brisky

A bit naughty


You’ve gazed at me with those eyes and smiles

Since the beginning of our stories

The voices in my head is in repetition

About how one day

I’ll look at you like that

But by then you will look at me

like how I’m looking at you now


You ask what can be done

To get me back on the boat

And I say no to every suggestion

I guess because of self-loathing


I think I need to drown

After all, I have fought and lost

Perhaps in the water is where I belong

This ocean of lost meaning





simple logic does not apply here

colorful flowers grow in river

In our hands they disappear

leaves fall down from trees

but flow in air


They flicker

In all the ways we perceive


There is no time here

I lay under the sun and see

clouds forming into shapes of faces

faces I had known but not here with me

the clouds are moving paintings

telling stories

forever changing


I grab the leaves which flow in air

gaze deep into their golden surface

In the reflections I see

those who I love and hold dear

still in different layers in space

they are not here beside me

but one day they will be


In the jades that hang on trees

I see all the creatures I had been

my cycle of life that never stopped spinning

until now

for once I am finally free

free of birth and death

free of love and hate

completely liberated


in this land

existence is not important

I exist in the breeze

in flowers

in the river

in oceans

I am whatever I want to be


in this freedom I see clearly

there is a reason for everything

not necessarily a meaning

in this land there is no sadness

no need to search for meaning in things

for I have come to the end of the beginning

for the kingdom of heaven is within


The Mask

we all wear it

the mask

a smile or a dance

laughter or music


scars hidden

we don’t talk about it


for a conversation

it’s not always the best topic


loved ones in the past

whom we sealed in a bottle

because they hurt us

and we haven’t let go

or we let them fall

and they left for another land

or they hurt themselves

and we could have done something about it


we don’t talk about it

the things that pained us

the sadness we thought we buried

that comes out when we don’t notice

the mistakes we have made

the loneliness we feel in bed


the nights we toss and turn

because the mask has fallen

the wounds are not transparent

not disguising its existence


we don’t talk about it

but we all wear it

the mask

it seems like a taboo

to talk about you

or me

or him

or her

or being lost again


we have been taught

what’s positive or negative

what’s strong and what’s weak

to snap out of it

so we wear a mask

so the things we are afraid of

won’t be brought up

so we won’t be blamed again


we wear a colorful mask

when we are hollow all day

suffering in our own way

but we don’t talk about it

afraid to be judged

afraid to cause harm

afraid to be exposed


just afraid

the mask covers so we don’t have to face


we all wear the mask

pretending to be okay

at a dinner party

friends’ gathering

important jobs

or maybe in a pub

characters we play

on this stage we call life


we should start talking about it

we should stop the judging and start understanding

start loving

start forgiving, you and me

we should leave people better than we found them

not let them fade

behind the mask


we should start talking about it

we should be okay with not being okay

with every hey are you okay

it should be a question full of love and respect

not a social gesture that’s a bit awkward


we should make others comfortable

feel safe

feel less alone

because in the end we are all the same

we are together in this place called life

and we should stop wearing the mask

by being the one that starts loving









Depression Is

You talk about it

Like it’s something casual

There’s nothing casual about it


Depression is not casual

It is not just being troubled

It is not a cold

Which you can recover from in days


Depression is an assassin

Depression is the shadow that follows behind

Depression is the dark hole that consumes

Depression is me


Depression is the twisted state of mind

It is knowing that there’s something not right

But don’t know what it is

Don’t know how to fix it

Utterly clueless


It is being completely blind

Searching in darkness

Everything I touch makes me bleed


It is drowning in my own tears

Until I lose the ability to cry

To feel sadness

Or anything at all

Until numbness

is the only thing remains


Depression is the defense mechanism

A bubble that claims to keep me safe

As long as I stay in it

And believe in the projections it shows


Depression is something I keep in my pocket

Always with me

Wherever I am

Whomever I’m with

It tells me how to act

And not to take it out

So others won’t acknowledge


It is a tenant that checks in

Out of the blue

And my body is the landlord

It brings its friends over


Panic attacks

They party all night

Playing horror movies

I toss and turn

Can’t fall asleep for nights


Depression stays in my body

It is trying to take over

It gives me a mask

Ask me to wear it

So no one can see

While every cell in me

Is turning into depression


It is the bad neighbor

Drilling the walls

Filling my room with lousy noises

And yet filing complaints against me


Depression is not casual

Depression is the paralyzing negativity

It is transparent yet so powerful

It keeps me in bed

Everyone away


Depression makes sure that I am alone

So it can fulfil its duty

The task of an assassin


Depression is choosing recovery

over and over again

failing and succeeding and failing again

it is a loophole in time

repeating everything every time


it is hiding the beauty in life

says the blue sky is grey

or the loving friends don’t care

or universe has abandoned me

or I belong to the wrong galaxy



Is the devil with a thousand tricks

It is the opposite of life

It is not having a voice

Or a choice


Depression is many things

It is definitely not

Not casual

Like how you talk about it

For how Many Times

For how many times

we sob in the dark




For how many times

we believe in the person

Who claimed to help

Yet keeps us in suspense

Because they have their own problems too


For how many times

We wait to be saved

Until we are tired of waiting

And we only fall deeper

Still left alone


For how many times

we tell ourselves

everything will be okay

When we feel like a wreckage


For how many times

we drag our dead bodies along the way

Just so we can see the light at the end of the tunnel


For how many times

we look fear in the eyes

And cry but never give up


For how many times

we are melting down inside

But still keeping a smile on the outside


For how many times

We betray our heart

Just so we can get a nod

from someone else


For how many times

our tongues deceive our soul

Until we are lost in all the lies


For how many times

we seek death for relief

Yet see the sins we commit


For how many times

we punish ourselves

for the mistakes we made in the past

And hate ourselves for it


For how many times

We forget that we

Are a work in progress


For how many times

we do something over and over again

Until it loses its meaning


For how many times

we say I love you


Until it becomes an empty promise


For how many times

we break others’ heart

Just so we can protect our own


For how many times

we wail in the shower

Hide in the closet

Cry our lungs out

And come out wearing a mask


For how many times

we hide and hide and hide

Until we disappear

Until the world forgets about us

Until the universe has decided to stop torturing us


For how many times

God closed down one window

And forgets about us


For how many times

we pick up the shattered pieces of yesterday

And try to glue them back together

In vain


For how many times

we feel like we don’t belong

Like a burden



For how many times

the only thing we fear

Is life itself