I wake up
in the midst of poisonous fog
Cannot make sense of north or south
The fog mourns according to the rhythm
of my own heart beats
Forcefully guiding me
deeper into the fog
I hold my breath
count like I was taught
One, two and three
over and over again
The beast
from last night’s dreams
reaches its fingers into the fog
attempting to grab its prey
It’s either the poisonous fog
or the beast that never gives up
So I find my way into the fog
Following the music
which pounds with the rhythm
of my heart beats
I count my breath
Like I was told
Inhale, exhale, Inhale, exhale
One two and three
Over and over again
For what feels like decades
Then discover myself still stuck in bed
And nonetheless
have a day ahead
I smell the coffee and taste nothing
I see the blue sky hanging up high
But I feel like it’s grey
As if an old picture in the attic
Always ready to perish
I greet the neighbors
with the poisonous fog still besieging
around me
neighbors smile and wave
As if seeing nothing
She kisses me on the cheek
Ask me how I’m doing
And I say I have had better days
C’est la vie, She says
Ignoring the blood
Coming out from the old wounds
on my left arm
She smiles and let me struggle in the fog
Like how she always has
She sees me
but not the pain inside me
wherever I go,
the poisonous fog follows
like a mirror made by devils
it draws a picture of me to the public
a person I do not recognize
Felicitous, sweet and upbeat
it absorbs all the energy I have
to draw this masterpiece
it feeds on my sadness,
fear and memories
it grows thicker and thicker
days after days
I cry with no tears
smile with no joy
Sleep with no peace
I am evaporating slowly
Into the poisonous fog
I yearn for freedom
yet I fear what I would be
without the fog
I yearn for happiness
Yet I doubt if I deserve it
I yearn to live
Yet I question if I am worth the space
The poisonous fog follows me
Wherever I go
It tells me ghost stories
stops me from eating
From going outside
From dancing to music
From painting down the sunrise
From admiring the people I used to adore
The poisonous fog
Becomes the only thing I see
The only sound I hear
The only language I speak
Until I realize
The poisonous fog is me
I have become the poisonous fog
Quietly, dubiously
co-existing with
The friends and family
Who are now strangers to me
I follow the instructions of the poisonous fog
erasing the footprints left on my own timeline
I Go backwards to the day of nonexistence
I float away without making a sound
And no one has noticed