affirmation – Butterfly Poetry

Voices In My Head

Baby

You are so much more than your illness

So much more than what the voices tell you

You are dumb

Useless

A burden

A mistake

A joke

A hypocrite

You will never be fixed

No one can fix you

You are hopeless

Alone

Forever sad

Dead already

A zombie

No, you’re not

You’re not all that

You’re not

A waste of time

You’re not a lost thing

You’re not the dust that fell down

When everyone else is rising

You’re not bones buried in dirt

When everyone is walking on you

Their marches so heavy

You feel like you’re suffocating

Dissolving

Disappearing

You’re numb yes maybe

But you’re still solid in the air

Unnoticeable even by yourself

People may not see you

You may not see you

But still

You are solid in the air

I know that

Because you are a house that never falls down

You are the house that even invisible

I can still feel your presence

How you blocked the thunder

How you let the sunshine in

I may not see you

But I can feel your presence

Baby

You are still fighting

Even when you don’t know it

I may not know how you got here

How you’ve made it this far

How you are still alive

After so many years of voices in your head

Telling you otherwise

But see how you are still standing

Bleeding yes maybe

Jaded and confused

But You

are the waves that never stop kissing the shore

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses the stars

You shine up high

Twinkling

You never stop

You

Never stop

You’re surrounded by black

But baby please take a look

You are not the black

You never stop kissing the shore

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses forgiveness

The shore is part of the waves

The shore is part of the darkness

The shore is part of the stars

The sky

Stars and darkness combined

Are part of you

You are the universe

You

Are the universe

And darkness

is just a temporary aspect from a tiny little angle

It comes after sunset

It follows the sun

The sun is part of you

You have the sun

You are the sun

The voices in your head

Is not the only voice you can hear

The only instructions you can follow

You don’t have to go

You don’t have to fade away

No one can make you leave

Not even the voices in your head

Baby

This is a reminder

If you ever get lost

In the voices that shout in your head

The voices in your head

Only you can hear

Baby

You are not those voices

You are not your illness

Baby please don’t go

You are not your sadness

you are a map

You are a compass

Not the voices

The voices in your head

are not your only navigation

You are a map

You are a compass

Baby

Please don’t go with the voices

Please baby please

An apology Letter to My Body (2)

Dear body,

I apologize

for drowning you with alcohol

When I was all broken inside

I knew you couldn’t breathe anymore

But I didn’t care if there would be a tomorrow

I did not know any other way

To make the pain inside me disappear

So I kept drinking

I am sorry

for overdosing and for hurting you

For letting you bleed

But we were at war

If you can remember

Both of us

trying so hard

To erase each other

In order to prove one’s worth
I hope that today

I can make peace with you

I’m sorry

When you were that little

I let her inside of you

you did not even know what it meant

and as you grew older

he touched you

and tried to make you

one of his

I am sorry

for not having the strength to leave

I am sorry

That I didn’t protect you

I scrubbed every inch of you

For a thousand times

But I know you can still feel him on you

Still taste his perfume

At the tip of your tongue

Still have nightmares

about how your body trembled

when he held you

And Fiddled with your hair

Whispering the words into your ears

Like a spell that made you his personal Barbie

It was not your fault

That he thought your body

was his to own

You were young and lost

And he was there

It was not your fault

That you listened

to the old stories

A woman must be saved by a man

And you thought he was Prince Charming

But this is a story

of how a woman saved herself

Body,

I will hold on to you

And we will fly together

In this world that has already lost gravity

Men and alcohol were never the

Remedy

The solution

Or An answer

You were your own hero

And we know that now

We have proved it

Sincerely,

Vanessa

Summer Rain

You came to my life like summer rain

Washed away the pain

with your gentle touches

The blood that floods my wounds

You washed them away too

You clear up the muddy river

Make them shine again

with the light yellow sunrise

For the first time

I stare at my reflections

by the riverside

And look at myself without a taste of disgust

You show up like summer rain

Shower the grasses

Wave away their tears

Tickle the tree and make them giggle

Put a smile upon the big blue sky

I see heavens blush because of you

And I feel safe inside

Because of you

When you smile

You take sorrows away

from the deepest hollow a person can face

You came to me

like summer rain

So sudden

so powerful

You reached out a friendly hand to me

And I held it tightly

Because I know how precious it is

To finally have you

You saw the creature inside me

that I did not know existed

I could have faded away

inside of that empty hollow

without you

I would not see the beauty

and all the wonder

I did not know existed

You are the summer rain

That survived the frostbitten winter

You transformed from snow and ice

To the heartwarming heat

That you are now today

And bring me back to life

Shower away the dust

That I thought I have become

You

Are the summer rain

You have torn down mountains

Rebuild them again

You have showed me strength,

kindness and spectacles

When all I wanted to do

was follow the muddy footprints

back to the hollow

You

Are the summer rain

That never gives up

Never vanishes without a fight

You,

are the summer rain

once hidden inside me

You are the force of nature

that has always been there

Shadowed in the corner

Humbly, quietly pushing me forward

But I see you now

I see you now

An apology Letter to My Body (1)

Dear body,

I am sorry

For once hating your small Asian eyes

And your mildly yellow skin color

because everyone around you was white

I should have been proud of my own heritage

I know that mom taught you beauty

is defined by society

There is a certain way of

How we, as women, should behave

And conform is the only way

I am sorry

that I believed her

for so many years

I looked at you

And saw nothing but flaws

I am sorry that I didn’t know how to nourish you

for starving you on purpose

gave you half an apple a day

I am sorry

that I put you through

eating disorder for so many years

for feeling guilty to eat

and for being scared not to eat
see,

My mom ate from a plate

that was as small as your palms were

the more she shrank the prouder she became

so I thought

that’s what a woman should be like

I learned

to see a woman’s body

through her eyes

I apologize

for letting the numbers on the scale to define your worth

and that I started to lie about your weight

before even having your period

I thought a size zero was the only definition

of beauty

The only way to exist

as a woman

I am sorry

That I tried to make you look attractive

Before understanding the reasons why

A short skirt and lip gloss

were the only ways to attract boys at age 9
I am Sorry

That you have been sexualized long before understanding

what being a female really means

You are a human being

Blood and flesh

You are not born to please

sorry

That I compared you

with the models on front page magazines

And blamed you

for not looking like them

You should know

There is not a standard for beauty

You can just be you

I am sorry

That I always wanted to change you

didn’t appreciate you

didn’t want to live inside of you.

I am sorry that I unlearned all this too late

that I never thanked you

for being here for me

all this time

even when I tried to hurt you

You always took your time

To forgive me

and you never stopped holding me up

You are my body

Not someone else’s property defined

by the norms of society

you are my body

You are sacred

You are enough

And from now on

I am going to love you

Sincerely ,

Vanessa

We Cry With No Tears

We cry with no tears

Let me sleep

And never wake up

Let me be free

Let me be brave

Suffer no more

Let me be free

Let me be brave

May there always be mercy

In the black and blue I see

Black and Blue

When I first met the dark shadow

I was sixteen years old

They sat on my pillow and whispered to my ears

Noises that sounded like words

I took a look at its black and blue

And noticed how it was slightly penetrating me

The voices became louder

Existence is futile

I was told

You are a burden

I was told

That was the first time I met the dark shadow

The faces of black and blue

As I listened to its noises that sounded like words

It took away a piece of my soul

I was eighteen years old

The black and blue were no longer gentle

They dwelled inside me and fed on pleasure

Exhale cruelly nothing but woe and sadness

I could feel the fragmental pieces of my soul

Started to vanish

Little by little

I was nineteen years old

I could not envision a world

Where there are no dark shadows

I could see myself fading away

Colors coming off of my body

Disappearing into the winds

I was a funeral in process

Drowning in black and blue

Gasping for air

I was twenty years old

I had forgotten how to smile

There is nothing left in me

Resistance is exhausting

I thought

Therefore, one night

Black and blue guided me to the kitchen knife

Taught me how to use it

Guaranteed that this was the only remedy to my agony

I heard they say

You died many years ago, anyway

You are a burden, anyway

A waste of space

A mistake

A flawed creature

Come on

Just do it

And end this inane existence

I am twenty one now

Black and blue are still inside of me

The mark I made on my left arm

Still itches somehow

It is the screeching sound made by black and blue

The traces of their mockery

But I

I am still here somehow

I am still here

I am twenty one now

I am learning how to breathe

Black and blue still talk to me

But I have learnt how not to listen

I am not

a burden or an apology

I am a flawed creature

But that does not make me any less of a human

I am a warrior

I am a survivor

Black and blue are still inside of me

But I am not just black and blue this time

I am also love, compassion and kindness

I am the mixture of everything

Everything that I have ever seen or heard

I am not

Not just black and blue this time