Voices In My Head

Baby

You are so much more than your illness

So much more than what the voices tell you

 

You are dumb

Useless

A burden

A mistake

A joke

A hypocrite

You will never be fixed

No one can fix you

You are hopeless

Alone

Forever sad

Dead already

A zombie

 

No

No, you’re not

You’re not all that

 

You’re not

A waste of time

You’re not a lost thing

You’re not the dust that fell down

When everyone else is rising

 

You’re not bones buried in dirt

When everyone is walking on you

Their marches so heavy

You feel like you’re suffocating

Dissolving

Disappearing

 

You’re numb yes maybe

But you’re still solid in the air

Unnoticeable even by yourself

People may not see you

You may not see you

But still

You are solid in the air

I know that

 

Because you are a house that never falls down

You are the house that even invisible

I can still feel your presence

How you blocked the thunder

How you let the sunshine in

I may not see you

But I can feel your presence

 

Baby

You are still fighting

Even when you don’t know it

I may not know how you got here

How you’ve made it this far

How you are still alive

After so many years of voices in your head

Telling you otherwise

 

But see how you are still standing

Bleeding yes maybe

Jaded and confused

But You

are the waves that never stop kissing the shore

 

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses the stars

You shine up high

Twinkling

You never stop

 

You

Never stop

You’re surrounded by black

But baby please take a look

You are not the black

 

You never stop kissing the shore

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses forgiveness

The shore is part of the waves

The shore is part of the darkness

The shore is part of the stars

 

The sky

Stars and darkness combined

Are part of you

You are the universe

You

Are the universe

And darkness

is just a temporary aspect from a tiny little angle

It comes after sunset

It follows the sun

It follows the sun

The sun is part of you

You have the sun

You are the sun

 

The voices in your head

Is not the only voice you can hear

The only instructions you can follow

You don’t have to go

You don’t have to fade away

No one can make you leave

Not even the voices in your head

 

Baby

This is a reminder

If you ever get lost

In the voices that shout in your head

The voices in your head

Only you can hear

 

Baby

You are not those voices

You are not your illness

Baby please don’t go

 

You are not your sadness

you are a map

You are a compass

Not the voices

The voices in your head

are not your only navigation

 

You are a map

You are a compass

Baby

Please don’t go with the voices

Please baby please

 

An apology Letter to My Body (2)

Dear body,

I apologize

for drowning you with alcohol

When I was all broken inside

 

I knew you couldn’t breathe anymore

But I didn’t care if there would be a tomorrow

I did not know any other way

To make the pain inside me disappear

So I kept drinking

 

I am sorry

for overdosing and for hurting you

For letting you bleed

But we were at war

If you can remember

Both of us

trying so hard

To erase each other

In order to prove one’s worth
I hope that today

I can make peace with you

 

I’m sorry

When you were that little

I let her inside of you

you did not even know what it meant

 

and as you grew older

he touched you

and tried to make you

one of his

I am sorry

for not having the strength to leave

I am sorry

That I didn’t protect you

 

I scrubbed every inch of you

For a thousand times

But I know you can still feel him on you

Still taste his perfume

At the tip of your tongue

Still have nightmares

about how your body trembled

when he held you

And Fiddled with your hair

Whispering the words into your ears

Like a spell that made you his personal Barbie

 

It was not your fault

That he thought your body

was his to own

You were young and lost

And he was there

 

It was not your fault

That you listened

to the old stories

A woman must be saved by a man

And you thought he was Prince Charming

 

But this is a story

of how a woman saved herself

 

Body,

I will hold on to you

And we will fly together

In this world that has already lost gravity

 

Men and alcohol were never the

Remedy

The solution

Or An answer

You were your own hero

And we know that now

We have proved it

 

Sincerely,

Vanessa

 

We Cry With No Tears

We cry with no tears

Let me sleep

And never wake up

Let me be free

Let me be brave

 

Suffer no more

Let me be free

Let me be brave

May there always be mercy

In the black and blue I see

Black and Blue

When I first met the dark shadow

I was sixteen years old

They sat on my pillow and whispered to my ears

Noises that sounded like words

 

I took a look at its black and blue

And noticed how it was slightly penetrating me

The voices became louder

Existence is futile

I was told

You are a burden

I was told

 

That was the first time I met the dark shadow

The faces of black and blue

As I listened to its noises that sounded like words

It took away a piece of my soul

 

I was eighteen years old

The black and blue were no longer gentle

They dwelled inside me and fed on pleasure

Exhale cruelly nothing but woe and sadness

I could feel the fragmental pieces of my soul

Started to vanish

Little by little

 

I was nineteen years old

I could not envision a world

Where there are no dark shadows

I could see myself fading away

Colors coming off of my body

Disappearing into the winds

I was a funeral in process

Drowning in black and blue

Gasping for air

 

I was twenty years old

I had forgotten how to smile

There is nothing left in me

Resistance is exhausting

I thought

 

Therefore, one night

Black and blue guided me to the kitchen knife

Taught me how to use it

Guaranteed that this was the only remedy to my agony

I heard they say

You died many years ago, anyway

You are a burden, anyway

A waste of space

A mistake

A flawed creature

Come on

Just do it

And end this inane existence

 

I am twenty one now

Black and blue are still inside of me

The mark I made on my left arm

Still itches somehow

It is the screeching sound made by black and blue

The traces of their mockery

But I

I am still here somehow

I am still here

 

I am twenty one now

I am learning how to breathe

Black and blue still talk to me

But I have learnt how not to listen

 

I am not

a burden or an apology

I am a flawed creature

But that does not make me any less of a human

I am a warrior

I am a survivor

 

Black and blue are still inside of me

But I am not just black and blue this time

I am also love, compassion and kindness

I am the mixture of everything

Everything that I have ever seen or heard

 

I am not

Not just black and blue this time