Tag: apology

Voices In My Head

Baby

You are so much more than your illness

So much more than what the voices tell you

 

You are dumb

Useless

A burden

A mistake

A joke

A hypocrite

You will never be fixed

No one can fix you

You are hopeless

Alone

Forever sad

Dead already

A zombie

 

No

No, you’re not

You’re not all that

 

You’re not

A waste of time

You’re not a lost thing

You’re not the dust that fell down

When everyone else is rising

 

You’re not bones buried in dirt

When everyone is walking on you

Their marches so heavy

You feel like you’re suffocating

Dissolving

Disappearing

 

You’re numb yes maybe

But you’re still solid in the air

Unnoticeable even by yourself

People may not see you

You may not see you

But still

You are solid in the air

I know that

 

Because you are a house that never falls down

You are the house that even invisible

I can still feel your presence

How you blocked the thunder

How you let the sunshine in

I may not see you

But I can feel your presence

 

Baby

You are still fighting

Even when you don’t know it

I may not know how you got here

How you’ve made it this far

How you are still alive

After so many years of voices in your head

Telling you otherwise

 

But see how you are still standing

Bleeding yes maybe

Jaded and confused

But You

are the waves that never stop kissing the shore

 

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses the stars

You shine up high

Twinkling

You never stop

 

You

Never stop

You’re surrounded by black

But baby please take a look

You are not the black

 

You never stop kissing the shore

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses forgiveness

The shore is part of the waves

The shore is part of the darkness

The shore is part of the stars

 

The sky

Stars and darkness combined

Are part of you

You are the universe

You

Are the universe

And darkness

is just a temporary aspect from a tiny little angle

It comes after sunset

It follows the sun

It follows the sun

The sun is part of you

You have the sun

You are the sun

 

The voices in your head

Is not the only voice you can hear

The only instructions you can follow

You don’t have to go

You don’t have to fade away

No one can make you leave

Not even the voices in your head

 

Baby

This is a reminder

If you ever get lost

In the voices that shout in your head

The voices in your head

Only you can hear

 

Baby

You are not those voices

You are not your illness

Baby please don’t go

 

You are not your sadness

you are a map

You are a compass

Not the voices

The voices in your head

are not your only navigation

 

You are a map

You are a compass

Baby

Please don’t go with the voices

Please baby please

 

An apology Letter to My Body (1)

Dear body,

I am sorry

For once hating your small Asian eyes

And your mildly yellow skin color

because everyone around you was white

I should have been proud of my own heritage

 

I know that mom taught you beauty

is defined by society

There is a certain way of

How we, as women, should behave

And conform is the only way

 

I am sorry

that I believed her

for so many years

I looked at you

And saw nothing but flaws

 

I am sorry that I didn’t know how to nourish you

for starving you on purpose

gave you half an apple a day

 

I am sorry

that I put you through

eating disorder for so many years

for feeling guilty to eat

and for being scared not to eat
see,

My mom ate from a plate

that was as small as your palms were

the more she shrank the prouder she became

so I thought

that’s what a woman should be like

I learned

to see a woman’s body

through her eyes

 

I apologize

for letting the numbers on the scale to define your worth

and that I started to lie about your weight

before even having your period

I thought a size zero was the only definition

of beauty

The only way to exist

as a woman

 

I am sorry

That I tried to make you look attractive

Before understanding the reasons why

A short skirt and lip gloss

were the only ways to attract boys at age 9
I am Sorry

That you have been sexualized long before understanding

what being a female really means

 

You are a human being

Blood and flesh

You are not born to please

 

sorry

That I compared you

with the models on front page magazines

And blamed you

for not looking like them

You should know

There is not a standard for beauty

You can just be you

 

I am sorry

That I always wanted to change you

didn’t appreciate you

didn’t want to live inside of you.

 

I am sorry that I unlearned all this too late

that I never thanked you

for being here for me

all this time

even when I tried to hurt you

You always took your time

To forgive me

and you never stopped holding me up

 

You are my body

Not someone else’s property defined

by the norms of society

 

you are my body

You are sacred

You are enough

And from now on

I am going to love you

 

Sincerely ,

Vanessa