letter – Butterfly Poetry

Letter to Self: I Know

Hey, there

Don’t dwell on your sadness

I know it’s not easy

The sadness is always there

It is your personal bully

I know it’s confusing

about the nature of it

or the cause of this endless torture

I know you are sad

even when you are not

I know you are smiling

when you are bleeding inside

quietly

I know you believe

you don’t deserve to be happy

so much

that you reject all the possibilities

I know you are scared

of all the uncertainties

That’s why you try so hard

to find meaning in all things

That’s why you want answers

To your bewilderedness

about everything in this society

Or maybe just an answer to

that little monster that lives inside you

I know you don’t want to be

a zombie again

I know there’s no more time to waste

in your life

I know you are still searching

for a place you can call home

a home that’s yours to own

and yours only

I know you are trying so hard

to survive

I know you are forcing yourself

to be strong

Because you are convinced

that’s the only choice left

I know you don’t want to be vulnerable

I know you don’t want to feel the hurt again

I know that I love you

Even when I don’t

An apology Letter to My Body (1)

Dear body,

I am sorry

For once hating your small Asian eyes

And your mildly yellow skin color

because everyone around you was white

I should have been proud of my own heritage

I know that mom taught you beauty

is defined by society

There is a certain way of

How we, as women, should behave

And conform is the only way

I am sorry

that I believed her

for so many years

I looked at you

And saw nothing but flaws

I am sorry that I didn’t know how to nourish you

for starving you on purpose

gave you half an apple a day

I am sorry

that I put you through

eating disorder for so many years

for feeling guilty to eat

and for being scared not to eat
see,

My mom ate from a plate

that was as small as your palms were

the more she shrank the prouder she became

so I thought

that’s what a woman should be like

I learned

to see a woman’s body

through her eyes

I apologize

for letting the numbers on the scale to define your worth

and that I started to lie about your weight

before even having your period

I thought a size zero was the only definition

of beauty

The only way to exist

as a woman

I am sorry

That I tried to make you look attractive

Before understanding the reasons why

A short skirt and lip gloss

were the only ways to attract boys at age 9
I am Sorry

That you have been sexualized long before understanding

what being a female really means

You are a human being

Blood and flesh

You are not born to please

sorry

That I compared you

with the models on front page magazines

And blamed you

for not looking like them

You should know

There is not a standard for beauty

You can just be you

I am sorry

That I always wanted to change you

didn’t appreciate you

didn’t want to live inside of you.

I am sorry that I unlearned all this too late

that I never thanked you

for being here for me

all this time

even when I tried to hurt you

You always took your time

To forgive me

and you never stopped holding me up

You are my body

Not someone else’s property defined

by the norms of society

you are my body

You are sacred

You are enough

And from now on

I am going to love you

Sincerely ,

Vanessa