Note to Self: Things I’ve Learned from Depression

Embrace every moment

You are not depression

You are more than your illness

 

resentment

is a cage you need to escape

resentment against others

is always resentment against oneself

 

Fear is not to be afraid of

Look fear right into the eyes

they are not the enemy

do everything with grace and integrity

love your own company

 

Your emotions are valid

Don’t deny them

Observe them

Understand and accept

 

Don’t be afraid to fail

Mistakes and failures constitute success

Learn with acceptance

never devalue yourself

 

when someone achieves what you are aiming for

be happy for them

They probably work just as hard as you do

if not more so

 

try to go outside at least once a day

don’t dwell in an episode

it’s okay not to be okay

and love as many people as you can

along the way

 

Give

Give everything you have

and ask for nothing in return

It’ll make you a happier person

 

Be who you needed

when you were younger

you have fought

to be the person you are today

don’t underestimate

the strength you possess within

and don’t degrade others

just so you can feel better

 

stand tall and firm

for what you believe in

but reserve the right to be wrong

at all times

constantly and regularly

examine your opinions

Make sure they don’t evolve into prejudices

 

Always be curious

Ask questions

Fight for your rights

don’t compromise yourself

you are all you’ve got

 

Happiness and realization

come in the most unexpected forms sometimes

Never reject anything at first sight

 

don’t be afraid to change

We are all different people throughout our lives

and that’s good

We have to move on

Allow others to change too

 

you can’t find peace by avoiding life

Focus on one day at a time

Let other people’s biases stay as their biases

It is what you do at the moment that defines you

And that changes all the time too

 

there’s always room and time

for acts of kindness

there will always be uncertainties

We are all lost in some degree

and that’s okay

we are all the same

Everyone’s struggling with something

We all get desperate sometimes

So be kind

 

you don’t need to have sex to be sexy

your sexuality is yours

Own it

you don’t need to be hungry to feel pretty

please exercise and eat

Take care of your body

you’re gonna need it

 

If you see peace

you can find energy

If there’s not much you can do

grow a plant, or anything

then at least

you’re doing something good for earth

 

Don’t go wherever the crowds go

You matter the most

do what feels right to you

never judge

You always know less than what you think you do

 

You are enough

you are many things

yet there’s one thing you never do

you never give up

 

It’s all luck

Don’t take credit for your success

nor blame others for your failure

always put yourself out there

Try new things

Remember that you can always go home

 

The kingdom of heaven is within

Remember your religion

You are not other people’s voices in your head

you saved yourself

You,

you did it

 

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Every day Is a Silent Hallelujah

Every day

is a silent hallelujah

For it is suffer that we mostly face

Daggers made of honey

is what we embrace each day

 

We don’t mature with years

but with damages

it is unfortunate yet accurate

to say

we are all damaged goods

but that’s okay

it is all just part of the process

 

For each day

we try so hard to fix what’s not quite right

in our lives

in ourselves

In whichever way we may believe in

In search

of a window of opportunities

That leads us back to happiness

To forget about the scars

marked on our flesh as time goes by

 

after all the wars we have each day

with ourselves and with dear life

marching our way through existence

 

To whomever is reading this

It’s a miracle how you,

are still alive

For how far you’ve come

For the silent battles you have each day

 

Wounded and jaded

But yet still here

Alive and breathing

Resting, maybe

But I know when the next battle comes

You, will rise up

 

glaring at this world

like the very first time

but it is wisdom

that you will gain this time

 

so every day

is a silent hallelujah

you,

are the only person

who knows how hard it is

to be you

the good and bad

 

the days you smile so proudly with victories

the mornings you cry in the shower

the incalculable sadness that comes after sunset

 

when everyone has gone home

and you are left alone

it is in pain and loneliness

that you find your strength

realizing what you are made of

only when you have lost everything

can you start building

 

all the unanswerable questions in life

to which I don’t know the solutions

yet I know what a miracle it is

that you are still here

breathing and alive

utterly lost and heartbroken

but you have walked a lonely path

through all the doors that kept shutting down

all the way to today

 

you fight for yourself

for your own existence

no matter how quiet the battle is

or how slowly time flows by

every day is a silent hallelujah

for you are still here

breathing and alive

 

 

 

Everything Is Good

Everything is good

I’m having my period

and my abdomen feels like something died inside it

but that’s okay

 

I have a roof above me

I have food in the fridge

so I’m grateful

 

everything is okay today

I have nothing to complain

 

existential anxiety

has been crawling inside me

for the past few weeks

 

family

school

boyfriend

school

state of mind

money

school

boyfriend

state of mind

money

depression

depression

depression

freaking depression

 

sleeping was a problem

it still is

I would wake up in panic attacks

gasping

shaking

reaching my hands out

searching for something to hold onto

and ended up with air and tears

 

but all that seem okay today

at least at this moment

when I’m writing this down

it seems okay now

everything seems okay now

 

I’m at this moment

like a suspense in time

I see yesterday

I hear tomorrow

but I don’t have to touch either

everything has stopped

the worries frozen

so everything seems okay now

 

no crisis to deal with

no one to socialize with

no obligations to oblige to

no one for me to worry about

no one to fake a smile to

no deadline to be alive and striving for

 

that’s it

this moment is it

when everything stops

boyfriend away

family and friends nowhere near me

just me

and me alone

frozen in time

 

so everything is good now

today

this moment

it all seems okay

 

quiet

everything is quiet

my mind and surroundings

all tranquil and resting

even my phone

just sits there

not ringing at all

I’m not waiting for any messages

or notifications from social media

 

everything is quiet and everyone far away

so it all seems good now

I get to just be with me

 

and I’m writing this down

not because I have another episode

of sadness to unleash

or anger and anguish

that never escaped me

 

I’m writing this down

this is new

about how everything seems okay now

when time is frozen

I am in the middle of yesterday’s tears

and tomorrow’s worries

and I’m writing this down

about how everything seems okay now

 

no baggages to carry

nowhere to hurry to

no one to hold my hands

nothing is happening

and that makes everything okay

 

I have 2 hours more of this

these sacred 2 hours more

for me to cherish

before time starts spinning

and everything speeds up

and today

sealed and bottled up

like a sweet sweet dream

untraceable

unreachable

and slowly forgotten

 

until next time

until god knows when next time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Voices In My Head

Baby

You are so much more than your illness

So much more than what the voices tell you

 

You are dumb

Useless

A burden

A mistake

A joke

A hypocrite

You will never be fixed

No one can fix you

You are hopeless

Alone

Forever sad

Dead already

A zombie

 

No

No, you’re not

You’re not all that

 

You’re not

A waste of time

You’re not a lost thing

You’re not the dust that fell down

When everyone else is rising

 

You’re not bones buried in dirt

When everyone is walking on you

Their marches so heavy

You feel like you’re suffocating

Dissolving

Disappearing

 

You’re numb yes maybe

But you’re still solid in the air

Unnoticeable even by yourself

People may not see you

You may not see you

But still

You are solid in the air

I know that

 

Because you are a house that never falls down

You are the house that even invisible

I can still feel your presence

How you blocked the thunder

How you let the sunshine in

I may not see you

But I can feel your presence

 

Baby

You are still fighting

Even when you don’t know it

I may not know how you got here

How you’ve made it this far

How you are still alive

After so many years of voices in your head

Telling you otherwise

 

But see how you are still standing

Bleeding yes maybe

Jaded and confused

But You

are the waves that never stop kissing the shore

 

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses the stars

You shine up high

Twinkling

You never stop

 

You

Never stop

You’re surrounded by black

But baby please take a look

You are not the black

 

You never stop kissing the shore

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses forgiveness

The shore is part of the waves

The shore is part of the darkness

The shore is part of the stars

 

The sky

Stars and darkness combined

Are part of you

You are the universe

You

Are the universe

And darkness

is just a temporary aspect from a tiny little angle

It comes after sunset

It follows the sun

It follows the sun

The sun is part of you

You have the sun

You are the sun

 

The voices in your head

Is not the only voice you can hear

The only instructions you can follow

You don’t have to go

You don’t have to fade away

No one can make you leave

Not even the voices in your head

 

Baby

This is a reminder

If you ever get lost

In the voices that shout in your head

The voices in your head

Only you can hear

 

Baby

You are not those voices

You are not your illness

Baby please don’t go

 

You are not your sadness

you are a map

You are a compass

Not the voices

The voices in your head

are not your only navigation

 

You are a map

You are a compass

Baby

Please don’t go with the voices

Please baby please

 

An apology Letter to My Body (1)

Dear body,

I am sorry

For once hating your small Asian eyes

And your mildly yellow skin color

because everyone around you was white

I should have been proud of my own heritage

 

I know that mom taught you beauty

is defined by society

There is a certain way of

How we, as women, should behave

And conform is the only way

 

I am sorry

that I believed her

for so many years

I looked at you

And saw nothing but flaws

 

I am sorry that I didn’t know how to nourish you

for starving you on purpose

gave you half an apple a day

 

I am sorry

that I put you through

eating disorder for so many years

for feeling guilty to eat

and for being scared not to eat
see,

My mom ate from a plate

that was as small as your palms were

the more she shrank the prouder she became

so I thought

that’s what a woman should be like

I learned

to see a woman’s body

through her eyes

 

I apologize

for letting the numbers on the scale to define your worth

and that I started to lie about your weight

before even having your period

I thought a size zero was the only definition

of beauty

The only way to exist

as a woman

 

I am sorry

That I tried to make you look attractive

Before understanding the reasons why

A short skirt and lip gloss

were the only ways to attract boys at age 9
I am Sorry

That you have been sexualized long before understanding

what being a female really means

 

You are a human being

Blood and flesh

You are not born to please

 

sorry

That I compared you

with the models on front page magazines

And blamed you

for not looking like them

You should know

There is not a standard for beauty

You can just be you

 

I am sorry

That I always wanted to change you

didn’t appreciate you

didn’t want to live inside of you.

 

I am sorry that I unlearned all this too late

that I never thanked you

for being here for me

all this time

even when I tried to hurt you

You always took your time

To forgive me

and you never stopped holding me up

 

You are my body

Not someone else’s property defined

by the norms of society

 

you are my body

You are sacred

You are enough

And from now on

I am going to love you

 

Sincerely ,

Vanessa

 

We Cry With No Tears

We cry with no tears

Let me sleep

And never wake up

Let me be free

Let me be brave

 

Suffer no more

Let me be free

Let me be brave

May there always be mercy

In the black and blue I see

Black and Blue

When I first met the dark shadow

I was sixteen years old

They sat on my pillow and whispered to my ears

Noises that sounded like words

 

I took a look at its black and blue

And noticed how it was slightly penetrating me

The voices became louder

Existence is futile

I was told

You are a burden

I was told

 

That was the first time I met the dark shadow

The faces of black and blue

As I listened to its noises that sounded like words

It took away a piece of my soul

 

I was eighteen years old

The black and blue were no longer gentle

They dwelled inside me and fed on pleasure

Exhale cruelly nothing but woe and sadness

I could feel the fragmental pieces of my soul

Started to vanish

Little by little

 

I was nineteen years old

I could not envision a world

Where there are no dark shadows

I could see myself fading away

Colors coming off of my body

Disappearing into the winds

I was a funeral in process

Drowning in black and blue

Gasping for air

 

I was twenty years old

I had forgotten how to smile

There is nothing left in me

Resistance is exhausting

I thought

 

Therefore, one night

Black and blue guided me to the kitchen knife

Taught me how to use it

Guaranteed that this was the only remedy to my agony

I heard they say

You died many years ago, anyway

You are a burden, anyway

A waste of space

A mistake

A flawed creature

Come on

Just do it

And end this inane existence

 

I am twenty one now

Black and blue are still inside of me

The mark I made on my left arm

Still itches somehow

It is the screeching sound made by black and blue

The traces of their mockery

But I

I am still here somehow

I am still here

 

I am twenty one now

I am learning how to breathe

Black and blue still talk to me

But I have learnt how not to listen

 

I am not

a burden or an apology

I am a flawed creature

But that does not make me any less of a human

I am a warrior

I am a survivor

 

Black and blue are still inside of me

But I am not just black and blue this time

I am also love, compassion and kindness

I am the mixture of everything

Everything that I have ever seen or heard

 

I am not

Not just black and blue this time