Lost in Depression 

I try so hard to do everything right

I try so hard to survive

But it seems like I can never win with life


What I do today

Getting out of bed

Going to classes

Trying to digest

The rules to survive


Celebrate every little victory

For what?

Today is a forgotten memory

Today is the repeating beat of an elegy

The success of today

Soon becomes the dust of tomorrow


Two years of therapy

No guarantee of recovery

I am dying every day

Again and again

You said you’d help me

But you won’t and you can’t

For all you can say is words

For all you can do is actions that distract


end of the day

I’m still suffering alone

Drowning and dying

Chained to the walls with the monster in me

I’m afraid that you only see

the monster inside me

Sometimes I too believe

I am the beast that deceives


Note to Self: Things I’ve Learned from Depression

Embrace every moment

You are not depression

You are more than your illness



is a cage you need to escape

resentment against others

is always resentment against oneself


Fear is not to be afraid of

Look fear right into the eyes

they are not the enemy

do everything with grace and integrity

love your own company


Your emotions are valid

Don’t deny them

Observe them

Understand and accept


Don’t be afraid to fail

Mistakes and failures constitute success

Learn with acceptance

never devalue yourself


when someone achieves what you are aiming for

be happy for them

They probably work just as hard as you do

if not more so


try to go outside at least once a day

don’t dwell in an episode

it’s okay not to be okay

and love as many people as you can

along the way



Give everything you have

and ask for nothing in return

It’ll make you a happier person


Be who you needed

when you were younger

you have fought

to be the person you are today

don’t underestimate

the strength you possess within

and don’t degrade others

just so you can feel better


stand tall and firm

for what you believe in

but reserve the right to be wrong

at all times

constantly and regularly

examine your opinions

Make sure they don’t evolve into prejudices


Always be curious

Ask questions

Fight for your rights

don’t compromise yourself

you are all you’ve got


Happiness and realization

come in the most unexpected forms sometimes

Never reject anything at first sight


don’t be afraid to change

We are all different people throughout our lives

and that’s good

We have to move on

Allow others to change too


you can’t find peace by avoiding life

Focus on one day at a time

Let other people’s biases stay as their biases

It is what you do at the moment that defines you

And that changes all the time too


there’s always room and time

for acts of kindness

there will always be uncertainties

We are all lost in some degree

and that’s okay

we are all the same

Everyone’s struggling with something

We all get desperate sometimes

So be kind


you don’t need to have sex to be sexy

your sexuality is yours

Own it

you don’t need to be hungry to feel pretty

please exercise and eat

Take care of your body

you’re gonna need it


If you see peace

you can find energy

If there’s not much you can do

grow a plant, or anything

then at least

you’re doing something good for earth


Don’t go wherever the crowds go

You matter the most

do what feels right to you

never judge

You always know less than what you think you do


You are enough

you are many things

yet there’s one thing you never do

you never give up


It’s all luck

Don’t take credit for your success

nor blame others for your failure

always put yourself out there

Try new things

Remember that you can always go home


The kingdom of heaven is within

Remember your religion

You are not other people’s voices in your head

you saved yourself


you did it


The Game

*Something i wrote when I was seventeen.


I am a vegan

Who feels sorry

For the suffering animals’ souls


I am a virgin

And yes I’m seventeen years old

But I feel

Like I’m one of those

Suffering animals’ souls


So I put up the walls firm and tall

This way, I can heal

From the wounds which cut me deeply

That I bleed

Every single night in my dreams

Where I see myself left

With only bones

Buried in the bottom of the dungeon

To which

I am confined


Yes, I’m seventeen years old

A vegan and a virgin

I can easily

Spit out these identities

But still feel baffled

Still, feel frazzled



My parents asked me

They never fathom


Every day, I try

I think

It’s because every day I try

To be “something”

Be polite, be positive

Be generous, be happy, be a lady

Talk louder, be a boss, but not too bossy

Be indispensable, be in control

Make us proud

But remember

Be yourself


I am tired

Of this game that we call life

Playing by the rules

Written for someone else

With a knife on my throat

I toss the dice

And try to survive


But this game is not fair

Not from the very beginning


They say even though

Life itself is an empty existence

Aspire to fill it

With a sense of belonging


But hey

I did not consent

To playing this game

Yet here I am

Trying to makes sense

Of all that I have not signed up for


I am tired of this game

And if the game writers

Have mercy at all


Would just leave me alone


I can’t recognize myself anymore

Like the suffering

animals’ souls


I remember

When I was twelve

Standing next to a bookshelf in my room

With Anna Karenina in my hands

Telling dad that I hope to study literature

and philosophy in the future


He told me blatantly

That I couldn’t possibly

make a career out of it


he wanted me

to be more like him

a lawyer

or perhaps

a law professor


I remember in middle school

I wished I could be

More like my brother

Because apparently

He was a born winner

And was adored by every creature


I was not made for this game

And that wasn’t acceptable

For a kid in middle school

She just wanted to be normal

No one liked that girl

Who sat in her seat

Reading all day long

Lacked of human interaction


You see

I think the rules of this game

Is written for and written by

People like my brother


Over the years

I slaughtered myself

Changing the soul

Bit by bit


To society norms


I don’t recognize myself anymore

Like the suffering

animals’ souls


and if the people in this game

have mercy at all


would spare me a round

and leave me alone

Dear Me

Dear Me,

You are the glaring fire soaring upon burnt ashes

You flicker and hover in the air

I hear the hoarse sound of torture you utter


People around you

lit up the very fire that you have become

They watch you burn

Glory goes to the fire


Unnoticeable pain


They tell you

how brave you are

There is nothing more beautiful

Than fire so bright in the dark


they see the beauty

Yet you feel the agony

You tried to undo it

To see a path

But in darkness

All you see is darkness


You were made to light up the world

But you feel the scorching heat

that’s burning inside

Melting you down

And you scream so loud

that all you hear is tears


But your tears are invisible,

Almost non-existent

They can’t put down the fire

And no one hears you scream


They just look at you

And tell you how brave and beautiful you are

They keep on saying

There is nothing more beautiful

than fire shining so bright in the dark

Every day Is a Silent Hallelujah

Every day

is a silent hallelujah

For it is suffer that we mostly face

Daggers made of honey

is what we embrace each day


We don’t mature with years

but with damages

it is unfortunate yet accurate

to say

we are all damaged goods

but that’s okay

it is all just part of the process


For each day

we try so hard to fix what’s not quite right

in our lives

in ourselves

In whichever way we may believe in

In search

of a window of opportunities

That leads us back to happiness

To forget about the scars

marked on our flesh as time goes by


after all the wars we have each day

with ourselves and with dear life

marching our way through existence


To whomever is reading this

It’s a miracle how you,

are still alive

For how far you’ve come

For the silent battles you have each day


Wounded and jaded

But yet still here

Alive and breathing

Resting, maybe

But I know when the next battle comes

You, will rise up


glaring at this world

like the very first time

but it is wisdom

that you will gain this time


so every day

is a silent hallelujah


are the only person

who knows how hard it is

to be you

the good and bad


the days you smile so proudly with victories

the mornings you cry in the shower

the incalculable sadness that comes after sunset


when everyone has gone home

and you are left alone

it is in pain and loneliness

that you find your strength

realizing what you are made of

only when you have lost everything

can you start building


all the unanswerable questions in life

to which I don’t know the solutions

yet I know what a miracle it is

that you are still here

breathing and alive

utterly lost and heartbroken

but you have walked a lonely path

through all the doors that kept shutting down

all the way to today


you fight for yourself

for your own existence

no matter how quiet the battle is

or how slowly time flows by

every day is a silent hallelujah

for you are still here

breathing and alive




Colorful Medicines

My body is made of 80 percent medicine

the purple and pink I take in the morning

are supposed to fix my blue genes


blue genes deep rooted and passed on

from my mother and grandmother

blue genes pushed me into a black hole

blue genes slow down time

a minute feels like a lifelong sentence

blue genes distant me

from everything else I see


sunshine, coffee, love

they are just a metaphor now

a reflection of how drifted away i am


My body is made of 80 percent medicine

the purple and pink I take in the morning

are supposed to fix my blue genes

and they kind of do

purple and pink pull me out of the black hole

allows me to feel the sunshine

smell the coffee

experience love


but purple and pink

cannot take away my thoughts

cannot tell me not to kill myself

cannot tell me I am trying hard enough

cannot tell me I am not my illness


purple and pink

take away the blue

but not the blue mindset

and the blue mindset

is what gives me nightmares

screaming in the dark

bleeding in dreams


the blue mindset is constantly fighting

with other white or golden mindset

and yet always winning

leaving me with exhaustion

because my body is always at war

and hence

panic attacks after panic attacks


so here comes the orange little tablet i take

morning and night

twice a day

and it always comes with yellow

yellow eases the vertigo

and orange numbs my nervous system

so I don’t feel like I am dying that often


purple and pink in the morning

return me my emotions

help me to not be numb and distant again


and yet the orange and yellow

morning and night

twice a day

shut down my body

no anxiety

no emotions again


so the white I take at night

right before bedtime

stops me from thinking

about how scared I am

or how sad I am

or how completely numb my entire body is right now

right now

the white I took

send me to my dreams

to my subconscious where all the horror lives

but at least

I can have a steady eight hours of sleep


My body is made of 80 percent medicine

it is a science lab

chemistries mixing with chemistries

I am always exploding and evaporating

exploding and evaporating


my body is a science lab

the colors I consume

are not a promise of well-being

they do not come with warranties


colors are always colliding with colours

they don’t transform into Van Gogh’s sunflowers

or the starry night

in which pain turns into beauty

and colors come to life


the colors I consume

purple and pink

orange, yellow and white

they are a science experiment with no results


my body is not mine

my body is made of 80 percent medicine

colourful medicines

that should have cured my blue genes by now

my body is not mine

it still belong’s to the blue genes


colourful medicines

purple and pink

orange, yellow and white

science experiments with no results

always contradicting the other


my body is not mine

doctor says I’m going to be fine

but he doesn’t know how long it will take

or exactly how my body will react to them


my body is a science lab

experimenting with colourful medicines

doctor says I’m going to be fine

but he’s not the one taking them