Poisonous Fog

I wake up

in the midst of poisonous fog

Cannot make sense of north or south

The fog mourns according to the rhythm

of my own heart beats

Forcefully guiding me

deeper into the fog

 

I hold my breath

count like I was taught

One, two and three

over and over again

 

The beast

from last night’s dreams

reaches its fingers into the fog

attempting to grab its prey

 

It’s either the poisonous fog

or the beast that never gives up

So I find my way into the fog

Following the music

which pounds with the rhythm

of my heart beats

 

I count my breath

Like I was told

Inhale, exhale, Inhale, exhale

One two and three

Over and over again

 

For what feels like decades

Then discover myself still stuck in bed

And nonetheless

have a day ahead

 

I smell the coffee and taste nothing

I see the blue sky hanging up high

But I feel like it’s grey

As if an old picture in the attic

Always ready to perish

 

I greet the neighbors

with the poisonous fog still besieging

around me

neighbors smile and wave

As if seeing nothing

 

She kisses me on the cheek

Ask me how I’m doing

And I say I have had better days

C’est la vie, She says

Ignoring the blood

Coming out from the old wounds

on my left arm

 

She smiles and let me struggle in the fog

Like how she always has

She sees me

but not the pain inside me

 

wherever I go,

the poisonous fog follows

like a mirror made by devils

it draws a picture of me to the public

a person I do not recognize

Felicitous, sweet and upbeat

 

it absorbs all the energy I have

to draw this masterpiece

it feeds on my sadness,

fear and memories

it grows thicker and thicker

days after days

 

I cry with no tears

smile with no joy

Sleep with no peace

I am evaporating slowly

Into the poisonous fog

 

I yearn for freedom

yet I fear what I would be

without the fog

I yearn for happiness

Yet I doubt if I deserve it

I yearn to live

Yet I question if I am worth the space

 

The poisonous fog follows me

Wherever I go

It tells me ghost stories

stops me from eating

From going outside

From dancing to music

From painting down the sunrise

From admiring the people I used to adore

 

The poisonous fog

Becomes the only thing I see

The only sound I hear

The only language I speak

 

Until I realize

The poisonous fog is me

I have become the poisonous fog

Quietly, dubiously

co-existing with

The friends and family

Who are now strangers to me

 

I follow the instructions of the poisonous fog

erasing the footprints left on my own timeline

 

I Go backwards to the day of nonexistence

I float away without making a sound

And no one has noticed