ptsd – Page 2 – Butterfly Poetry

It Is You and I Against the World

It’s you and I

Against the world, he says

Teasing me

With a teddy bear

And a bedtime story

I ask him, daddy

Will you ever leave me?

He shakes his head, firmly

Assuring me

Silently, envisioning, his baby girl

His daughter

All grown up, a gladiator

Winning every battle, gloriously

Or a mountaineer

Surmounting Mount Everest, adamantly

He won’t shed a tear

He swears

On the day he leaves

He thinks he’s not meant for here

And maybe it’s just destiny

There are things he should achieve

And his little gladiator, proud mountaineer

Will not dread his departure, he believes

So he swears to not shed a tear

On the day he leaves

his little gladiator will forgive

because she has a heart with heat

that can melt any glacier

he’s coming back today

I still remember

The day he left

How could I ever forget

he’s coming back today

I know, he and I

Are no longer

Against the world together

I am his daughter

His imaginary, little gladiator, proud mountaineer

Who he believes

Can battle dragon

Conquer mother nature

And has no fear

he’s coming back today

greeting the broken pieces on the doorway

I wish I could tell him that

I am neither, father

I am not your gladiator, your mountaineer

And I swear my tears won’t disobey

Inside of my body they shall stay

Until the last day of his departure, once again

I will be his gladiator, his warrior

his mountaineer, his defender

Until the last day of his departure, once again

I am sorry

that in reality

I cannot exceed his expectations of me

I wish I could tell him why

I have the wings but don’t dare to fly

I wish I could explain why

It is love that I choose to defy

he’s coming back today

picking up the broken pieces on the doorway

she wishes her wings to be strong enough

to fly far and high away

so she can look away

leaving all the tears to yesterday

Every day Is a Silent Hallelujah

Every day

is a silent hallelujah

For it is suffer that we mostly face

Daggers made of honey

is what we embrace each day

We don’t mature with years

but with damages

it is unfortunate yet accurate

to say

we are all damaged goods

but that’s okay

it is all just part of the process

For each day

we try so hard to fix what’s not quite right

in our lives

in ourselves

In whichever way we may believe in

In search

of a window of opportunities

That leads us back to happiness

To forget about the scars

marked on our flesh as time goes by

after all the wars we have each day

with ourselves and with dear life

marching our way through existence

To whomever is reading this

It’s a miracle how you,

are still alive

For how far you’ve come

For the silent battles you have each day

Wounded and jaded

But yet still here

Alive and breathing

Resting, maybe

But I know when the next battle comes

You, will rise up

glaring at this world

like the very first time

but it is wisdom

that you will gain this time

so every day

is a silent hallelujah

you,

are the only person

who knows how hard it is

to be you

the good and bad

the days you smile so proudly with victories

the mornings you cry in the shower

the incalculable sadness that comes after sunset

when everyone has gone home

and you are left alone

it is in pain and loneliness

that you find your strength

realizing what you are made of

only when you have lost everything

can you start building

all the unanswerable questions in life

to which I don’t know the solutions

yet I know what a miracle it is

that you are still here

breathing and alive

utterly lost and heartbroken

but you have walked a lonely path

through all the doors that kept shutting down

all the way to today

you fight for yourself

for your own existence

no matter how quiet the battle is

or how slowly time flows by

every day is a silent hallelujah

for you are still here

breathing and alive

Somedays Sometimes Someone

To someone I’m a lover

To someone I’m a sinner

To someone I’m a memory

Somedays I feel like a burden or a failure

Somedays I feel blessed or glamorous

Sometimes I’m a traveler

Sometimes I’m a prisoner

Sometimes I have a home

Sometimes I don’t

Sometimes I’m too yellow

And other days I’m too white

There are days when I can’t fall asleep

There are days

my bed becomes a locked room with no windows

There are nights I dream of his smiles

There are nights I die in my dreams

Sometimes I can feel the gravity

Sometimes someone is my gravity

Sometimes I’m just floating in the air

Lost and scared

Sometimes I am a dreamer

Sometimes I lose the race

Somedays I have answers

A Week After I Died

A week after I died

I’m hollow inside

Deep in the chasm

Even in the brightest of times

It is only darkness

That’s been cast upon me

I do not know the face of passion not now or before

The touch of love

Is a fading fingerprint once lingered on my body

It was once memorable

And now forgotten

For I am hollow inside

And love is in exile

I am

Somehow existing but not existing

Somehow reaching my fingers out to touch

To feel again

but nothing ever comes back to me

A week after I died

I thought I would meet my grandmother

And I can tell her

How proud she should be of her son

But there is nothing and no one in this chasm

Day after day

I reach out my fingers

And nothing is tangible

I see only scars on my wrists

They have stopped bleeding

But I feel like blood

is still leaking out from my fingertips

And perhaps I am disappearing in this chasm

Bits by bits

like I was before in life

I thought ending my misery

is a permanent solution to all the problems

I thought I would see light in the end of this tunnel by doing so

I thought angels would come

And embrace me with their soft wings

They will tell me

Everything is okay now

You are saved

A week after I died

I am hollow inside

Deep in the chasm like I was before in life

Life is a far away concept now

I am hollow inside and half empty

Exactly what I was before in life

I am doomed to be lonely in this chasm

In which I am constantly falling

But never landing

Trust me

I have tried to land

What beauty it should be

if I could eradicate the pain once again

the sorrow

the forever emptiness

That defies every law in the universe

To keep me falling

But keeping me from landing

The struggle doesn’t end

I have come to believe

Landing is a fantasy

Like how death was to me

I can hear my mother’s voices

My brother’s tears at night in bed

My father’s quiet whispers to god

And you, your silent tears that drop down

when you least notice them

I thought yes, you would mourn for me

But after some time

The universe could do without me

And you would stop mourning

Accepting the facts

And you will move on

Like how you always have

Look behind the pavements

They are built with blood and tears

And I am just one of them now

I never meant to hurt

You

I thought

I was doing you a favor

I thought the universe would be better off

without me

Without another phony existence

I was doing you a favor

In the long term

So I can stop hurting you

And you can stop breaking my heart

without knowing it

I thought

I am but a variable in the function of universe

Replaceable

Waiting to be proved to exist

To be calculated

I waited for too long to be deciphered

Emotions turned into ashes

Until I believe so deeply

That I wasn’t necessary

Perhaps I was a mistake

A miscalculation

And I was correcting the faults by doing so

A week after I died

I am falling in this chasm

With echoes of the voices from those I used to love

I still love them, I think

If I can remember what love is

Voices In My Head

Baby

You are so much more than your illness

So much more than what the voices tell you

You are dumb

Useless

A burden

A mistake

A joke

A hypocrite

You will never be fixed

No one can fix you

You are hopeless

Alone

Forever sad

Dead already

A zombie

No, you’re not

You’re not all that

You’re not

A waste of time

You’re not a lost thing

You’re not the dust that fell down

When everyone else is rising

You’re not bones buried in dirt

When everyone is walking on you

Their marches so heavy

You feel like you’re suffocating

Dissolving

Disappearing

You’re numb yes maybe

But you’re still solid in the air

Unnoticeable even by yourself

People may not see you

You may not see you

But still

You are solid in the air

I know that

Because you are a house that never falls down

You are the house that even invisible

I can still feel your presence

How you blocked the thunder

How you let the sunshine in

I may not see you

But I can feel your presence

Baby

You are still fighting

Even when you don’t know it

I may not know how you got here

How you’ve made it this far

How you are still alive

After so many years of voices in your head

Telling you otherwise

But see how you are still standing

Bleeding yes maybe

Jaded and confused

But You

are the waves that never stop kissing the shore

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses the stars

You shine up high

Twinkling

You never stop

You

Never stop

You’re surrounded by black

But baby please take a look

You are not the black

You never stop kissing the shore

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses forgiveness

The shore is part of the waves

The shore is part of the darkness

The shore is part of the stars

The sky

Stars and darkness combined

Are part of you

You are the universe

You

Are the universe

And darkness

is just a temporary aspect from a tiny little angle

It comes after sunset

It follows the sun

The sun is part of you

You have the sun

You are the sun

The voices in your head

Is not the only voice you can hear

The only instructions you can follow

You don’t have to go

You don’t have to fade away

No one can make you leave

Not even the voices in your head

Baby

This is a reminder

If you ever get lost

In the voices that shout in your head

The voices in your head

Only you can hear

Baby

You are not those voices

You are not your illness

Baby please don’t go

You are not your sadness

you are a map

You are a compass

Not the voices

The voices in your head

are not your only navigation

You are a map

You are a compass

Baby

Please don’t go with the voices

Please baby please

An apology Letter to My Body (2)

Dear body,

I apologize

for drowning you with alcohol

When I was all broken inside

I knew you couldn’t breathe anymore

But I didn’t care if there would be a tomorrow

I did not know any other way

To make the pain inside me disappear

So I kept drinking

I am sorry

for overdosing and for hurting you

For letting you bleed

But we were at war

If you can remember

Both of us

trying so hard

To erase each other

In order to prove one’s worth
I hope that today

I can make peace with you

I’m sorry

When you were that little

I let her inside of you

you did not even know what it meant

and as you grew older

he touched you

and tried to make you

one of his

I am sorry

for not having the strength to leave

I am sorry

That I didn’t protect you

I scrubbed every inch of you

For a thousand times

But I know you can still feel him on you

Still taste his perfume

At the tip of your tongue

Still have nightmares

about how your body trembled

when he held you

And Fiddled with your hair

Whispering the words into your ears

Like a spell that made you his personal Barbie

It was not your fault

That he thought your body

was his to own

You were young and lost

And he was there

It was not your fault

That you listened

to the old stories

A woman must be saved by a man

And you thought he was Prince Charming

But this is a story

of how a woman saved herself

Body,

I will hold on to you

And we will fly together

In this world that has already lost gravity

Men and alcohol were never the

Remedy

The solution

Or An answer

You were your own hero

And we know that now

We have proved it

Sincerely,

Vanessa

Summer Rain

You came to my life like summer rain

Washed away the pain

with your gentle touches

The blood that floods my wounds

You washed them away too

You clear up the muddy river

Make them shine again

with the light yellow sunrise

For the first time

I stare at my reflections

by the riverside

And look at myself without a taste of disgust

You show up like summer rain

Shower the grasses

Wave away their tears

Tickle the tree and make them giggle

Put a smile upon the big blue sky

I see heavens blush because of you

And I feel safe inside

Because of you

When you smile

You take sorrows away

from the deepest hollow a person can face

You came to me

like summer rain

So sudden

so powerful

You reached out a friendly hand to me

And I held it tightly

Because I know how precious it is

To finally have you

You saw the creature inside me

that I did not know existed

I could have faded away

inside of that empty hollow

without you

I would not see the beauty

and all the wonder

I did not know existed

You are the summer rain

That survived the frostbitten winter

You transformed from snow and ice

To the heartwarming heat

That you are now today

And bring me back to life

Shower away the dust

That I thought I have become

You

Are the summer rain

You have torn down mountains

Rebuild them again

You have showed me strength,

kindness and spectacles

When all I wanted to do

was follow the muddy footprints

back to the hollow

You

Are the summer rain

That never gives up

Never vanishes without a fight

You,

are the summer rain

once hidden inside me

You are the force of nature

that has always been there

Shadowed in the corner

Humbly, quietly pushing me forward

But I see you now

I see you now

Poisonous Fog

I wake up

in the midst of poisonous fog

Cannot make sense of north or south

The fog mourns according to the rhythm

of my own heart beats

Forcefully guiding me

deeper into the fog

I hold my breath

count like I was taught

One, two and three

over and over again

The beast

from last night’s dreams

reaches its fingers into the fog

attempting to grab its prey

It’s either the poisonous fog

or the beast that never gives up

So I find my way into the fog

Following the music

which pounds with the rhythm

of my heart beats

I count my breath

Like I was told

Inhale, exhale, Inhale, exhale

One two and three

Over and over again

For what feels like decades

Then discover myself still stuck in bed

And nonetheless

have a day ahead

I smell the coffee and taste nothing

I see the blue sky hanging up high

But I feel like it’s grey

As if an old picture in the attic

Always ready to perish

I greet the neighbors

with the poisonous fog still besieging

around me

neighbors smile and wave

As if seeing nothing

She kisses me on the cheek

Ask me how I’m doing

And I say I have had better days

C’est la vie, She says

Ignoring the blood

Coming out from the old wounds

on my left arm

She smiles and let me struggle in the fog

Like how she always has

She sees me

but not the pain inside me

wherever I go,

the poisonous fog follows

like a mirror made by devils

it draws a picture of me to the public

a person I do not recognize

Felicitous, sweet and upbeat

it absorbs all the energy I have

to draw this masterpiece

it feeds on my sadness,

fear and memories

it grows thicker and thicker

days after days

I cry with no tears

smile with no joy

Sleep with no peace

I am evaporating slowly

Into the poisonous fog

I yearn for freedom

yet I fear what I would be

without the fog

I yearn for happiness

Yet I doubt if I deserve it

I yearn to live

Yet I question if I am worth the space

The poisonous fog follows me

Wherever I go

It tells me ghost stories

stops me from eating

From going outside

From dancing to music

From painting down the sunrise

From admiring the people I used to adore

The poisonous fog

Becomes the only thing I see

The only sound I hear

The only language I speak

Until I realize

The poisonous fog is me

I have become the poisonous fog

Quietly, dubiously

co-existing with

The friends and family

Who are now strangers to me

I follow the instructions of the poisonous fog

erasing the footprints left on my own timeline

I Go backwards to the day of nonexistence

I float away without making a sound

And no one has noticed

We Cry With No Tears

We cry with no tears

Let me sleep

And never wake up

Let me be free

Let me be brave

Suffer no more

Let me be free

Let me be brave

May there always be mercy

In the black and blue I see

Black and Blue

When I first met the dark shadow

I was sixteen years old

They sat on my pillow and whispered to my ears

Noises that sounded like words

I took a look at its black and blue

And noticed how it was slightly penetrating me

The voices became louder

Existence is futile

I was told

You are a burden

I was told

That was the first time I met the dark shadow

The faces of black and blue

As I listened to its noises that sounded like words

It took away a piece of my soul

I was eighteen years old

The black and blue were no longer gentle

They dwelled inside me and fed on pleasure

Exhale cruelly nothing but woe and sadness

I could feel the fragmental pieces of my soul

Started to vanish

Little by little

I was nineteen years old

I could not envision a world

Where there are no dark shadows

I could see myself fading away

Colors coming off of my body

Disappearing into the winds

I was a funeral in process

Drowning in black and blue

Gasping for air

I was twenty years old

I had forgotten how to smile

There is nothing left in me

Resistance is exhausting

I thought

Therefore, one night

Black and blue guided me to the kitchen knife

Taught me how to use it

Guaranteed that this was the only remedy to my agony

I heard they say

You died many years ago, anyway

You are a burden, anyway

A waste of space

A mistake

A flawed creature

Come on

Just do it

And end this inane existence

I am twenty one now

Black and blue are still inside of me

The mark I made on my left arm

Still itches somehow

It is the screeching sound made by black and blue

The traces of their mockery

But I

I am still here somehow

I am still here

I am twenty one now

I am learning how to breathe

Black and blue still talk to me

But I have learnt how not to listen

I am not

a burden or an apology

I am a flawed creature

But that does not make me any less of a human

I am a warrior

I am a survivor

Black and blue are still inside of me

But I am not just black and blue this time

I am also love, compassion and kindness

I am the mixture of everything

Everything that I have ever seen or heard

I am not

Not just black and blue this time