A Week After I Died

A week after I died

I’m hollow inside

Deep in the chasm

Even in the brightest of times

It is only darkness

That’s been cast upon me

 

I do not know the face of passion not now or before

The touch of love

Is a fading fingerprint once lingered on my body

It was once memorable

And now forgotten

For I am hollow inside

And love is in exile

 

I am

Somehow existing but not existing

Somehow reaching my fingers out to touch

To feel again

but nothing ever comes back to me

 

A week after I died

I thought I would meet my grandmother

And I can tell her

How proud she should be of her son

But there is nothing and no one in this chasm

 

Day after day

I reach out my fingers

And nothing is tangible

I see only scars on my wrists

They have stopped bleeding

But I feel like blood

is still leaking out from my fingertips

And perhaps I am disappearing in this chasm

Bits by bits

like I was before in life

 

I thought ending my misery

is a permanent solution to all the problems

I thought I would see light in the end of this tunnel by doing so

I thought angels would come

And embrace me with their soft wings

They will tell me

Everything is okay now

You are saved

 

A week after I died

I am hollow inside

Deep in the chasm like I was before in life

Life is a far away concept now

I am hollow inside and half empty

Exactly what I was before in life

 

I am doomed to be lonely in this chasm

In which I am constantly falling

But never landing

 

Trust me

I have tried to land

What beauty it should be

if I could eradicate the pain once again

the sorrow

the forever emptiness

That defies every law in the universe

To keep me falling

But keeping me from landing

The struggle doesn’t end

I have come to believe

Landing is a fantasy

Like how death was to me

 

I can hear my mother’s voices

My brother’s tears at night in bed

My father’s quiet whispers to god

And you, your silent tears that drop down

when you least notice them

 

I thought yes, you would mourn for me

But after some time

The universe could do without me

And you would stop mourning

Accepting the facts

And you will move on

Like how you always have

Look behind the pavements

They are built with blood and tears

And I am just one of them now

 

I never meant to hurt

You

I thought

I was doing you a favor

I thought the universe would be better off

without me

Without another phony existence

I was doing you a favor

In the long term

So I can stop hurting you

And you can stop breaking my heart

without knowing it

 

I thought

I am but a variable in the function of universe

Replaceable

Waiting to be proved to exist

To be calculated

I waited for too long to be deciphered

Emotions turned into ashes

Until I believe so deeply

That I wasn’t necessary

Perhaps I was a mistake

A miscalculation

And I was correcting the faults by doing so

 

A week after I died

I am falling in this chasm

With echoes of the voices from those I used to love

I still love them, I think

If I can remember what love is

 

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