My body is made of 80 percent medicine
the purple and pink I take in the morning
are supposed to fix my blue genes
blue genes deep rooted and passed on
from my mother and grandmother
blue genes pushed me into a black hole
blue genes slow down time
a minute feels like a lifelong sentence
blue genes distant me
from everything else I see
sunshine, coffee, love
they are just a metaphor now
a reflection of how drifted away i am
My body is made of 80 percent medicine
the purple and pink I take in the morning
are supposed to fix my blue genes
and they kind of do
purple and pink pull me out of the black hole
allows me to feel the sunshine
smell the coffee
experience love
but purple and pink
cannot take away my thoughts
cannot tell me not to kill myself
cannot tell me I am trying hard enough
cannot tell me I am not my illness
purple and pink
take away the blue
but not the blue mindset
and the blue mindset
is what gives me nightmares
screaming in the dark
bleeding in dreams
the blue mindset is constantly fighting
with other white or golden mindset
and yet always winning
leaving me with exhaustion
because my body is always at war
and hence
panic attacks after panic attacks
so here comes the orange little tablet i take
morning and night
twice a day
and it always comes with yellow
yellow eases the vertigo
and orange numbs my nervous system
so I don’t feel like I am dying that often
purple and pink in the morning
return me my emotions
help me to not be numb and distant again
and yet the orange and yellow
morning and night
twice a day
shut down my body
no anxiety
no emotions again
so the white I take at night
right before bedtime
stops me from thinking
about how scared I am
or how sad I am
or how completely numb my entire body is right now
right now
the white I took
send me to my dreams
to my subconscious where all the horror lives
but at least
I can have a steady eight hours of sleep
My body is made of 80 percent medicine
it is a science lab
chemistries mixing with chemistries
I am always exploding and evaporating
exploding and evaporating
my body is a science lab
the colors I consume
are not a promise of well-being
they do not come with warranties
colors are always colliding with colours
they don’t transform into Van Gogh’s sunflowers
or the starry night
in which pain turns into beauty
and colors come to life
the colors I consume
purple and pink
orange, yellow and white
they are a science experiment with no results
my body is not mine
my body is made of 80 percent medicine
colourful medicines
that should have cured my blue genes by now
my body is not mine
it still belong’s to the blue genes
colourful medicines
purple and pink
orange, yellow and white
science experiments with no results
always contradicting the other
my body is not mine
doctor says I’m going to be fine
but he doesn’t know how long it will take
or exactly how my body will react to them
my body is a science lab
experimenting with colourful medicines
doctor says I’m going to be fine
but he’s not the one taking them
Butterfly Poetry 