Dear body,
I am sorry
For once hating your small Asian eyes
And your mildly yellow skin color
because everyone around you was white
I should have been proud of my own heritage
I know that mom taught you beauty
is defined by society
There is a certain way of
How we, as women, should behave
And conform is the only way
I am sorry
that I believed her
for so many years
I looked at you
And saw nothing but flaws
I am sorry that I didn’t know how to nourish you
for starving you on purpose
gave you half an apple a day
I am sorry
that I put you through
eating disorder for so many years
for feeling guilty to eat
and for being scared not to eat
see,
My mom ate from a plate
that was as small as your palms were
the more she shrank the prouder she became
so I thought
that’s what a woman should be like
I learned
to see a woman’s body
through her eyes
I apologize
for letting the numbers on the scale to define your worth
and that I started to lie about your weight
before even having your period
I thought a size zero was the only definition
of beauty
The only way to exist
as a woman
I am sorry
That I tried to make you look attractive
Before understanding the reasons why
A short skirt and lip gloss
were the only ways to attract boys at age 9
I am Sorry
That you have been sexualized long before understanding
what being a female really means
You are a human being
Blood and flesh
You are not born to please
sorry
That I compared you
with the models on front page magazines
And blamed you
for not looking like them
You should know
There is not a standard for beauty
You can just be you
I am sorry
That I always wanted to change you
didn’t appreciate you
didn’t want to live inside of you.
I am sorry that I unlearned all this too late
that I never thanked you
for being here for me
all this time
even when I tried to hurt you
You always took your time
To forgive me
and you never stopped holding me up
You are my body
Not someone else’s property defined
by the norms of society
you are my body
You are sacred
You are enough
And from now on
I am going to love you
Sincerely ,
Vanessa
Butterfly Poetry 