mentalhealth – Page 2 – Butterfly Poetry

Depression Is

You talk about it

Like it’s something casual

There’s nothing casual about it

Depression is not casual

It is not just being troubled

It is not a cold

Which you can recover from in days

Depression is an assassin

Depression is the shadow that follows behind

Depression is the dark hole that consumes

Depression is me

Depression is the twisted state of mind

It is knowing that there’s something not right

But don’t know what it is

Don’t know how to fix it

Utterly clueless

It is being completely blind

Searching in darkness

Everything I touch makes me bleed

It is drowning in my own tears

Until I lose the ability to cry

To feel sadness

Or anything at all

Until numbness

is the only thing remains

Depression is the defense mechanism

A bubble that claims to keep me safe

As long as I stay in it

And believe in the projections it shows

Depression is something I keep in my pocket

Always with me

Wherever I am

Whomever I’m with

It tells me how to act

And not to take it out

So others won’t acknowledge

It is a tenant that checks in

Out of the blue

And my body is the landlord

It brings its friends over

Anxiety

Panic attacks

They party all night

Playing horror movies

I toss and turn

Can’t fall asleep for nights

Depression stays in my body

It is trying to take over

It gives me a mask

Ask me to wear it

So no one can see

While every cell in me

Is turning into depression

It is the bad neighbor

Drilling the walls

Filling my room with lousy noises

And yet filing complaints against me

Depression is not casual

Depression is the paralyzing negativity

It is transparent yet so powerful

It keeps me in bed

Everyone away

Depression makes sure that I am alone

So it can fulfil its duty

The task of an assassin

Depression is choosing recovery

over and over again

failing and succeeding and failing again

it is a loophole in time

repeating everything every time

it is hiding the beauty in life

says the blue sky is grey

or the loving friends don’t care

or universe has abandoned me

or I belong to the wrong galaxy

Depression

Is the devil with a thousand tricks

It is the opposite of life

It is not having a voice

Or a choice

Depression is many things

It is definitely not

Not casual

Like how you talk about it

For how Many Times

For how many times

we sob in the dark

Alone

Silent

For how many times

we believe in the person

Who claimed to help

Yet keeps us in suspense

Because they have their own problems too

For how many times

We wait to be saved

Until we are tired of waiting

And we only fall deeper

Still left alone

For how many times

we tell ourselves

everything will be okay

When we feel like a wreckage

For how many times

we drag our dead bodies along the way

Just so we can see the light at the end of the tunnel

For how many times

we look fear in the eyes

And cry but never give up

For how many times

we are melting down inside

But still keeping a smile on the outside

For how many times

We betray our heart

Just so we can get a nod

from someone else

For how many times

our tongues deceive our soul

Until we are lost in all the lies

For how many times

we seek death for relief

Yet see the sins we commit

For how many times

we punish ourselves

for the mistakes we made in the past

And hate ourselves for it

For how many times

We forget that we

Are a work in progress

For how many times

we do something over and over again

Until it loses its meaning

For how many times

we say I love you

Repeatedly

Until it becomes an empty promise

For how many times

we break others’ heart

Just so we can protect our own

For how many times

we wail in the shower

Hide in the closet

Cry our lungs out

And come out wearing a mask

For how many times

we hide and hide and hide

Until we disappear

Until the world forgets about us

Until the universe has decided to stop torturing us

For how many times

God closed down one window

And forgets about us

For how many times

we pick up the shattered pieces of yesterday

And try to glue them back together

In vain

For how many times

we feel like we don’t belong

Like a burden

Unwanted

For how many times

the only thing we fear

Is life itself

Panic Attack

I’m shaking

My visions blurred

Something’s stuck in my chest

I can’t breathe

smothered by air

I swallowed the tablet

Waiting in panic

Thirty more minutes

Then I should feel normal again

Everything has a noise now

My heartbeat is too loud

It is pounding too hard

I may just be shattered

And no one would notice

I am sitting here like a stone

I look normal

Yet every cell I have

Is deteriorating so drastically

I can hear them dying

I can hear them screaming for help

I can’t move my limbs

They are not mine now

I can see them

But they are so distant

I can hear my teeth clicking

So loudly in my head

Like a ticking bomb

I feel like it’s going to explode

I think I’m about to die

There’s no air in my lungs

My tongue is dry

My thoughts all tangled

They are shouting at me

Yelling and blaming

My body can’t take it

I may just be dying

I can’t cope with this

Ten more minutes

Until the tablet fulfils its duty

Every muscle I have is on guard

They know I am about to go

My body is rejecting my soul

They want it out

Ten minutes are too long

I am about to collapse

And nobody would notice

This is the end

Dying as a stone

Without a soul

Five more minutes

Goodbye, all

I don’t know what I’m fighting for

Set free my soul

so my body can rest

A Happy Family

For once I am grateful

Things are not perfect, I know

And things never will be

They can’t be

I will always be looking

into other people’s windows

What’s in their homes

I will always want a complete family

One that is happy

I realized years ago

I made it my personal quest

To find the perfect family

joyous and flawless

As if finding one

could bring me answers

I think years ago

what I wanted was hope

A possibility that one day

I could be happy too

I just didn’t know

But it was an unpractical dream

I did find happy families

But the happiness

was never permanent

Happiness wasn’t supposed to be present

at all moments

Even the one family I found

That came closest to what I supposed

a happy family should be

There are still hard times, disappointments

But during those moments

They surrounded each other

with love and acceptance

No blaming, no anger, no quarrels

Just support and acceptance

Not even a moment of hatred

I guess at that point

I kind of found ‘the’ family

And I wanted to make it mine too

They let me in

Included me like one of them

I thought I was finally happy

But there was still some void inside me

I noticed them

when I was trying to look away

The quest was a failure

I found ‘the’ family

But it still couldn’t fill up

the emptiness in me

When they eventually told me

about my family

For once I found contentment

Felt relieved

Because they thought we always looked so happy

And that they always saw so much love

When my father looked at me

The way he looked at me

They thought ‘we’ were the perfect family

The one I thought had been broken

They thought we were perfect

Somehow I had no memories

of what they were saying

But that gave me relief

I finally found answers to the questions

which I didn’t know I had

My father did love me once

They saw what they wanted to see

And thought we were perfect

I saw what I wanted to see

And thought they were perfect

But besides all that

Every family has their difficulties

No matter how fortunate they seem

There are still stories untold

Kept as secrets

Hoping others won’t notice

Keeping the appearances of perfection

Years later now

I’d say we are finally happy

Separated and apart

But happy

Most people would say

we are a broken family now

But individually

we are happy and content

Together we support each other

With love and acceptance

like I once witnessed myself

We are not perfect

But we are happy

We don’t have much

But we are happy

Like how mom and dad once were

They didn’t have much

But they were happy

Hope kept them together

Their imagination created the future

They were young and fulfilling dreams

Not perfect but very happy

And maybe now I can be too

Reflections

Complicated things by trying to fix it

Bad decisions after one another

Little bread crumbs that lead to despair

Hope is a trick

Only the fortunate can discover

Trying to find meaning yet stuck in a maze

gazing at the moon waiting to be saved

stumbling and falling I can never walk straight

energy only ever wasted

on the wrong people

all I’ve ever wanted is to be free

here I am tamed in a cage

all I’ve wished for is to be brave

here I am abandoned and scared

waking up from nightmares

only finding reality more formidable

traps and monsters are just as cruel

looking down into the lake

and see my reflection

I am the very monster from which

I am running away

A dream that can’t be awaken

A trap I can’t escape

But then a shadow floated across

Touching my chin with grace

And I stare into its gaze

A child crying at an empty place

Dark and gloomy like a wraith

The kid looks back from the shadow’s pupils

I see my childhood face plain as day

A monster yet to be made

Hurt and broken but still can be saved

I wish I could hug her in this parallel space

I want to tell her everything is going to be okay

Your future doesn’t have to be this way

There is still a chance for things to change

It is not to late

For you to erase the pain

Hurt and broken but still can be saved

The metal flesh can be ablated

And you can see the peace inside it

The soft cotton heart you’ve been hiding all this time

It is pure and it is a gate

A ticket to wonderland

So you can for once be the fortunate

Look upon the sky

And see the moonlight shines

on a silver lake

there shall be no more reflections of monsters

or the atrocious cage

but just a kid

discovering her way

Tired

Tired of being tired

Tired of pretending

Tired of trying

Trying to find an identity

Trying to find a way home

Trying to find a home

Trying to be alone

There is never enough space

And I’m always looking for an escape

Always lost in this time or this thing

Tired of faking smiles

Tired of heartbreaks

Tired of society

Tired of conforming

Tired of rebelling

Tired of tracing the footsteps back to nothing

Tired of loving

Tired of emotions

Or the lack of them

Tired of not knowing

Questions after questions

Always in the quest of solutions

Tracing the footsteps back to the beginning

Tired of being scared

Uncertainties cause commotions

Tired of squeezing meaning

Into this empty existence

Everything happens for a reason

not necessarily for a meaning

Tired of making efforts to see

Across the ocean

There’s nothing over the rainbow

Tired of spinning

on what I thought was merry-go-round

Spinning so fast

Barely recognize the world

I can never be sure

If I am joyous or

Just mimicking others

Merry is a story

The going only gets tough

Rounds are a misbelief

Tired of explaining

Why I don’t want to play

Tired of living

Tired of being

Dismembered concept

Shattered moments

Of an ironic C’est la vie

Painting colors on air

Efforts in vain

Tired of being tired

Tired of trying

Tired of being wrong

Tired of being right

Tired of wondering

If there is an answer for anything

In this Ocean

I am a carved wooden boat

with the ever-changing wind I float

I guess we are all lost in some degree

Eyes blinded and cannot see

In this Ocean

I am a carved wooden boat

I turn my head around

Struggle to float against the force

my body stiffen

eyes wide open

with all the strength

the unassailable flow of nature I defy

Just to gaze again

at the breathtaking scenery

which I once sang and danced to

In this Ocean

I am a carved wooden boat

always almost immersed by water

but would never let myself be smothered

because of the moon upon me

that I have made a promise to

I will always be empty

The carpenter who made me

have not seen me in the ocean

The sailor who once paddled me

Left after the fourth sunset we watched

And I will always be searching

for a shore that I can call home

but will always end up with the cold embrace of the waves

I let the storm fill me with the rain

convincing myself that rain

can do what glue does

Rain will piece me back like a puzzle

Rain will appease the tempest in me

When the stars come out and the rain stop

I realize that the rain drops

were the reason why

there was a tempest in me at the first place

but I still miss how the rain showered me

and how comforting it was to not be empty

I blame the clouds for taking my heart away

It would be the twentieth sunset

that I realize

rain belongs to somewhere else

a garden or a river, perhaps

I will always be saying goodbye

to the carpenter who made me

to the sailor who once

taught me everything about the ocean

to the waves that pushed me forward

to the sunrise and sunset

to the cruises that sometimes pass by

and with every goodbye I say

there is a crack somewhere on my body.

Someone somewhere

Once told me a story about how there is a lighthouse

in the end of this ocean

I do not believe it

I have been floating alone

for too long

and the idea of a lighthouse

sounds only like a story

I have counted the sunset too many times

That I stop waiting for it

I start to enjoy the darkness

that follows the sunset

I rejoice in how lost I am

I wonder if I am also like the lighthouse

Just a story someone carelessly mentions

I ask yet again the moon

for some sort of wisdom

the ocean water has never been warmer or brighter

I don’t remember ever reaching out for this softness

It seems like the ocean water has been holding me up

from the very beginning

I just never really looked at them this way

Then I remember the story someone once told me

About how there is a lighthouse

In the end of this ocean

It became my only dream

I imagine

This sublime white tower

this building that looks as jaded as I will have become

emitting light into the impalpable

somehow

It would let me close my eyes

And drown

I would hear the sound of nothingness

in the bottom of this ocean

When I open my eyes

I will feel the touch of the lighthouse

As loving and gentle

like the first time I sailed

I would find myself

a part of the tower now

Emitting lights into the depths of the darkness

Note to Self: Things I’ve Learned from Depression

Embrace every moment

You are not depression

You are more than your illness

resentment

is a cage you need to escape

resentment against others

is always resentment against oneself

Fear is not to be afraid of

Look fear right into the eyes

they are not the enemy

do everything with grace and integrity

love your own company

Your emotions are valid

Don’t deny them

Observe them

Understand and accept

Don’t be afraid to fail

Mistakes and failures constitute success

Learn with acceptance

never devalue yourself

when someone achieves what you are aiming for

be happy for them

They probably work just as hard as you do

if not more so

try to go outside at least once a day

don’t dwell in an episode

it’s okay not to be okay

and love as many people as you can

along the way

Give

Give everything you have

and ask for nothing in return

It’ll make you a happier person

Be who you needed

when you were younger

you have fought

to be the person you are today

don’t underestimate

the strength you possess within

and don’t degrade others

just so you can feel better

stand tall and firm

for what you believe in

but reserve the right to be wrong

at all times

constantly and regularly

examine your opinions

Make sure they don’t evolve into prejudices

Always be curious

Ask questions

Fight for your rights

don’t compromise yourself

you are all you’ve got

Happiness and realization

come in the most unexpected forms sometimes

Never reject anything at first sight

don’t be afraid to change

We are all different people throughout our lives

and that’s good

We have to move on

Allow others to change too

you can’t find peace by avoiding life

Focus on one day at a time

Let other people’s biases stay as their biases

It is what you do at the moment that defines you

And that changes all the time too

there’s always room and time

for acts of kindness

there will always be uncertainties

We are all lost in some degree

and that’s okay

we are all the same

Everyone’s struggling with something

We all get desperate sometimes

So be kind

you don’t need to have sex to be sexy

your sexuality is yours

Own it

you don’t need to be hungry to feel pretty

please exercise and eat

Take care of your body

you’re gonna need it

If you see peace

you can find energy

If there’s not much you can do

grow a plant, or anything

then at least

you’re doing something good for earth

Don’t go wherever the crowds go

You matter the most

do what feels right to you

never judge

You always know less than what you think you do

You are enough

you are many things

yet there’s one thing you never do

you never give up

It’s all luck

Don’t take credit for your success

nor blame others for your failure

always put yourself out there

Try new things

Remember that you can always go home

The kingdom of heaven is within

Remember your religion

You are not other people’s voices in your head

you saved yourself

You,

you did it

It Is You and I Against the World

It’s you and I

Against the world, he says

Teasing me

With a teddy bear

And a bedtime story

I ask him, daddy

Will you ever leave me?

He shakes his head, firmly

Assuring me

Silently, envisioning, his baby girl

His daughter

All grown up, a gladiator

Winning every battle, gloriously

Or a mountaineer

Surmounting Mount Everest, adamantly

He won’t shed a tear

He swears

On the day he leaves

He thinks he’s not meant for here

And maybe it’s just destiny

There are things he should achieve

And his little gladiator, proud mountaineer

Will not dread his departure, he believes

So he swears to not shed a tear

On the day he leaves

his little gladiator will forgive

because she has a heart with heat

that can melt any glacier

he’s coming back today

I still remember

The day he left

How could I ever forget

he’s coming back today

I know, he and I

Are no longer

Against the world together

I am his daughter

His imaginary, little gladiator, proud mountaineer

Who he believes

Can battle dragon

Conquer mother nature

And has no fear

he’s coming back today

greeting the broken pieces on the doorway

I wish I could tell him that

I am neither, father

I am not your gladiator, your mountaineer

And I swear my tears won’t disobey

Inside of my body they shall stay

Until the last day of his departure, once again

I will be his gladiator, his warrior

his mountaineer, his defender

Until the last day of his departure, once again

I am sorry

that in reality

I cannot exceed his expectations of me

I wish I could tell him why

I have the wings but don’t dare to fly

I wish I could explain why

It is love that I choose to defy

he’s coming back today

picking up the broken pieces on the doorway

she wishes her wings to be strong enough

to fly far and high away

so she can look away

leaving all the tears to yesterday

The Game

*Something i wrote when I was seventeen.

I am a vegan

Who feels sorry

For the suffering animals’ souls

I am a virgin

And yes I’m seventeen years old

But I feel

Like I’m one of those

Suffering animals’ souls

So I put up the walls firm and tall

This way, I can heal

From the wounds which cut me deeply

That I bleed

Every single night in my dreams

Where I see myself left

With only bones

Buried in the bottom of the dungeon

To which

I am confined

Yes, I’m seventeen years old

A vegan and a virgin

I can easily

Spit out these identities

But still feel baffled

Still, feel frazzled

why？

My parents asked me

They never fathom

Every day, I try

I think

It’s because every day I try

To be “something”

Be polite, be positive

Be generous, be happy, be a lady

Talk louder, be a boss, but not too bossy

Be indispensable, be in control

Make us proud

But remember

Be yourself

I am tired

Of this game that we call life

Playing by the rules

Written for someone else

With a knife on my throat

I toss the dice

And try to survive

But this game is not fair

Not from the very beginning

They say even though

Life itself is an empty existence

Aspire to fill it

With a sense of belonging

But hey

I did not consent

To playing this game

Yet here I am

Trying to makes sense

Of all that I have not signed up for

I am tired of this game

And if the game writers

Have mercy at all

They

Would just leave me alone

I can’t recognize myself anymore

Like the suffering

animals’ souls

I remember

When I was twelve

Standing next to a bookshelf in my room

With Anna Karenina in my hands

Telling dad that I hope to study literature

and philosophy in the future

He told me blatantly

That I couldn’t possibly

make a career out of it

he wanted me

to be more like him

a lawyer

or perhaps

a law professor

I remember in middle school

I wished I could be

More like my brother

Because apparently

He was a born winner

And was adored by every creature

I was not made for this game

And that wasn’t acceptable

For a kid in middle school

She just wanted to be normal

No one liked that girl

Who sat in her seat

Reading all day long

Lacked of human interaction

You see

I think the rules of this game

Is written for and written by

People like my brother

Over the years

I slaughtered myself

Changing the soul

Bit by bit

Compromising

To society norms

I don’t recognize myself anymore

Like the suffering

animals’ souls

and if the people in this game

have mercy at all

they

would spare me a round

and leave me alone