society – Page 2 – Butterfly Poetry

Letter to Self: I Know

Hey, there

Don’t dwell on your sadness

I know it’s not easy

The sadness is always there

It is your personal bully

I know it’s confusing

about the nature of it

or the cause of this endless torture

I know you are sad

even when you are not

I know you are smiling

when you are bleeding inside

quietly

I know you believe

you don’t deserve to be happy

so much

that you reject all the possibilities

I know you are scared

of all the uncertainties

That’s why you try so hard

to find meaning in all things

That’s why you want answers

To your bewilderedness

about everything in this society

Or maybe just an answer to

that little monster that lives inside you

I know you don’t want to be

a zombie again

I know there’s no more time to waste

in your life

I know you are still searching

for a place you can call home

a home that’s yours to own

and yours only

I know you are trying so hard

to survive

I know you are forcing yourself

to be strong

Because you are convinced

that’s the only choice left

I know you don’t want to be vulnerable

I know you don’t want to feel the hurt again

I know that I love you

Even when I don’t

Depression Is

You talk about it

Like it’s something casual

There’s nothing casual about it

Depression is not casual

It is not just being troubled

It is not a cold

Which you can recover from in days

Depression is an assassin

Depression is the shadow that follows behind

Depression is the dark hole that consumes

Depression is me

Depression is the twisted state of mind

It is knowing that there’s something not right

But don’t know what it is

Don’t know how to fix it

Utterly clueless

It is being completely blind

Searching in darkness

Everything I touch makes me bleed

It is drowning in my own tears

Until I lose the ability to cry

To feel sadness

Or anything at all

Until numbness

is the only thing remains

Depression is the defense mechanism

A bubble that claims to keep me safe

As long as I stay in it

And believe in the projections it shows

Depression is something I keep in my pocket

Always with me

Wherever I am

Whomever I’m with

It tells me how to act

And not to take it out

So others won’t acknowledge

It is a tenant that checks in

Out of the blue

And my body is the landlord

It brings its friends over

Anxiety

Panic attacks

They party all night

Playing horror movies

I toss and turn

Can’t fall asleep for nights

Depression stays in my body

It is trying to take over

It gives me a mask

Ask me to wear it

So no one can see

While every cell in me

Is turning into depression

It is the bad neighbor

Drilling the walls

Filling my room with lousy noises

And yet filing complaints against me

Depression is not casual

Depression is the paralyzing negativity

It is transparent yet so powerful

It keeps me in bed

Everyone away

Depression makes sure that I am alone

So it can fulfil its duty

The task of an assassin

Depression is choosing recovery

over and over again

failing and succeeding and failing again

it is a loophole in time

repeating everything every time

it is hiding the beauty in life

says the blue sky is grey

or the loving friends don’t care

or universe has abandoned me

or I belong to the wrong galaxy

Depression

Is the devil with a thousand tricks

It is the opposite of life

It is not having a voice

Or a choice

Depression is many things

It is definitely not

Not casual

Like how you talk about it

Tired

Tired of being tired

Tired of pretending

Tired of trying

Trying to find an identity

Trying to find a way home

Trying to find a home

Trying to be alone

There is never enough space

And I’m always looking for an escape

Always lost in this time or this thing

Tired of faking smiles

Tired of heartbreaks

Tired of society

Tired of conforming

Tired of rebelling

Tired of tracing the footsteps back to nothing

Tired of loving

Tired of emotions

Or the lack of them

Tired of not knowing

Questions after questions

Always in the quest of solutions

Tracing the footsteps back to the beginning

Tired of being scared

Uncertainties cause commotions

Tired of squeezing meaning

Into this empty existence

Everything happens for a reason

not necessarily for a meaning

Tired of making efforts to see

Across the ocean

There’s nothing over the rainbow

Tired of spinning

on what I thought was merry-go-round

Spinning so fast

Barely recognize the world

I can never be sure

If I am joyous or

Just mimicking others

Merry is a story

The going only gets tough

Rounds are a misbelief

Tired of explaining

Why I don’t want to play

Tired of living

Tired of being

Dismembered concept

Shattered moments

Of an ironic C’est la vie

Painting colors on air

Efforts in vain

Tired of being tired

Tired of trying

Tired of being wrong

Tired of being right

Tired of wondering

If there is an answer for anything

In this Ocean

I am a carved wooden boat

with the ever-changing wind I float

I guess we are all lost in some degree

Eyes blinded and cannot see

In this Ocean

I am a carved wooden boat

I turn my head around

Struggle to float against the force

my body stiffen

eyes wide open

with all the strength

the unassailable flow of nature I defy

Just to gaze again

at the breathtaking scenery

which I once sang and danced to

In this Ocean

I am a carved wooden boat

always almost immersed by water

but would never let myself be smothered

because of the moon upon me

that I have made a promise to

I will always be empty

The carpenter who made me

have not seen me in the ocean

The sailor who once paddled me

Left after the fourth sunset we watched

And I will always be searching

for a shore that I can call home

but will always end up with the cold embrace of the waves

I let the storm fill me with the rain

convincing myself that rain

can do what glue does

Rain will piece me back like a puzzle

Rain will appease the tempest in me

When the stars come out and the rain stop

I realize that the rain drops

were the reason why

there was a tempest in me at the first place

but I still miss how the rain showered me

and how comforting it was to not be empty

I blame the clouds for taking my heart away

It would be the twentieth sunset

that I realize

rain belongs to somewhere else

a garden or a river, perhaps

I will always be saying goodbye

to the carpenter who made me

to the sailor who once

taught me everything about the ocean

to the waves that pushed me forward

to the sunrise and sunset

to the cruises that sometimes pass by

and with every goodbye I say

there is a crack somewhere on my body.

Someone somewhere

Once told me a story about how there is a lighthouse

in the end of this ocean

I do not believe it

I have been floating alone

for too long

and the idea of a lighthouse

sounds only like a story

I have counted the sunset too many times

That I stop waiting for it

I start to enjoy the darkness

that follows the sunset

I rejoice in how lost I am

I wonder if I am also like the lighthouse

Just a story someone carelessly mentions

I ask yet again the moon

for some sort of wisdom

the ocean water has never been warmer or brighter

I don’t remember ever reaching out for this softness

It seems like the ocean water has been holding me up

from the very beginning

I just never really looked at them this way

Then I remember the story someone once told me

About how there is a lighthouse

In the end of this ocean

It became my only dream

I imagine

This sublime white tower

this building that looks as jaded as I will have become

emitting light into the impalpable

somehow

It would let me close my eyes

And drown

I would hear the sound of nothingness

in the bottom of this ocean

When I open my eyes

I will feel the touch of the lighthouse

As loving and gentle

like the first time I sailed

I would find myself

a part of the tower now

Emitting lights into the depths of the darkness

Note to Self: Things I’ve Learned from Depression

Embrace every moment

You are not depression

You are more than your illness

resentment

is a cage you need to escape

resentment against others

is always resentment against oneself

Fear is not to be afraid of

Look fear right into the eyes

they are not the enemy

do everything with grace and integrity

love your own company

Your emotions are valid

Don’t deny them

Observe them

Understand and accept

Don’t be afraid to fail

Mistakes and failures constitute success

Learn with acceptance

never devalue yourself

when someone achieves what you are aiming for

be happy for them

They probably work just as hard as you do

if not more so

try to go outside at least once a day

don’t dwell in an episode

it’s okay not to be okay

and love as many people as you can

along the way

Give

Give everything you have

and ask for nothing in return

It’ll make you a happier person

Be who you needed

when you were younger

you have fought

to be the person you are today

don’t underestimate

the strength you possess within

and don’t degrade others

just so you can feel better

stand tall and firm

for what you believe in

but reserve the right to be wrong

at all times

constantly and regularly

examine your opinions

Make sure they don’t evolve into prejudices

Always be curious

Ask questions

Fight for your rights

don’t compromise yourself

you are all you’ve got

Happiness and realization

come in the most unexpected forms sometimes

Never reject anything at first sight

don’t be afraid to change

We are all different people throughout our lives

and that’s good

We have to move on

Allow others to change too

you can’t find peace by avoiding life

Focus on one day at a time

Let other people’s biases stay as their biases

It is what you do at the moment that defines you

And that changes all the time too

there’s always room and time

for acts of kindness

there will always be uncertainties

We are all lost in some degree

and that’s okay

we are all the same

Everyone’s struggling with something

We all get desperate sometimes

So be kind

you don’t need to have sex to be sexy

your sexuality is yours

Own it

you don’t need to be hungry to feel pretty

please exercise and eat

Take care of your body

you’re gonna need it

If you see peace

you can find energy

If there’s not much you can do

grow a plant, or anything

then at least

you’re doing something good for earth

Don’t go wherever the crowds go

You matter the most

do what feels right to you

never judge

You always know less than what you think you do

You are enough

you are many things

yet there’s one thing you never do

you never give up

It’s all luck

Don’t take credit for your success

nor blame others for your failure

always put yourself out there

Try new things

Remember that you can always go home

The kingdom of heaven is within

Remember your religion

You are not other people’s voices in your head

you saved yourself

You,

you did it

Introverted

There’s too many people

In the living room

Making small talks

Covering the basics

What they do

Where they’re from

The weather’s looking rather good

Jokes about whatever it is

I wonder if we can skip

These small talks

Meaningless small talks

Killing time

Disguising awkwardness

I wonder why we do this

Meaningless small talks

Covering the basics

Repeating it

To everyone newly met

Disguising awkwardness

Killing time until the party ends

We go home with nothing but jokes and names

of someone we still barely know

Acquaintances

Is what small talks make people into

Not friends

Just someone you met at the party

I wonder why we do it

Gather together

Using small talks to fill in the gaps

Meaningless and dull

Just because we have to

It makes me uncomfortable

Is this what we’re doing with our time

It stresses me out

We could have been doing something else

Anything but this

Is it just me

Or does small talks really cheer people up

Bring them together

Like their laughters are genuine

Because I know mine’s not

Sitting there wondering

Is this why we’re all here for

Talking about food

Nodding but not listening

There’s too many people here

People I’ve never met

And maybe never will again

I’ll forget about their names

Their Interests

Or what they look like

After a few days

So why are we doing this

Hanging out

Talking about everything but nothing

Trying to be part of something

More people are coming in

And it makes me feel queasy

The room is not big enough

And the noises are too loud

People trying not to miss out

I guess anyone could do without this party

After all it’s just for fitting in

With a bunch of new strangers we will soon call friends

But really, we still don’t know much about them

Or will forget about them soon enough

So why are we doing this

Something that will lose its meaning tomorrow

Talking about everything but nothing

Laughing to jokes awkwardly

But don’t really understand why it’s funny

Is this what we really are

Consists of small talks

Everything but nothing