sad – Page 3 – Butterfly Poetry

It Is You and I Against the World

It’s you and I

Against the world, he says

Teasing me

With a teddy bear

And a bedtime story

I ask him, daddy

Will you ever leave me?

He shakes his head, firmly

Assuring me

Silently, envisioning, his baby girl

His daughter

All grown up, a gladiator

Winning every battle, gloriously

Or a mountaineer

Surmounting Mount Everest, adamantly

He won’t shed a tear

He swears

On the day he leaves

He thinks he’s not meant for here

And maybe it’s just destiny

There are things he should achieve

And his little gladiator, proud mountaineer

Will not dread his departure, he believes

So he swears to not shed a tear

On the day he leaves

his little gladiator will forgive

because she has a heart with heat

that can melt any glacier

he’s coming back today

I still remember

The day he left

How could I ever forget

he’s coming back today

I know, he and I

Are no longer

Against the world together

I am his daughter

His imaginary, little gladiator, proud mountaineer

Who he believes

Can battle dragon

Conquer mother nature

And has no fear

he’s coming back today

greeting the broken pieces on the doorway

I wish I could tell him that

I am neither, father

I am not your gladiator, your mountaineer

And I swear my tears won’t disobey

Inside of my body they shall stay

Until the last day of his departure, once again

I will be his gladiator, his warrior

his mountaineer, his defender

Until the last day of his departure, once again

I am sorry

that in reality

I cannot exceed his expectations of me

I wish I could tell him why

I have the wings but don’t dare to fly

I wish I could explain why

It is love that I choose to defy

he’s coming back today

picking up the broken pieces on the doorway

she wishes her wings to be strong enough

to fly far and high away

so she can look away

leaving all the tears to yesterday

Untitled

When people mention him

I tell them, he

Is out of town, working

So I don’t have to explain

How he

Just left me

Praying to the stars

Crying myself to sleep

Picking up my cold trembling body

Out of the shower

Searching

For something to hold on

Staring

All day at that door

That he

May never enter again

At least

Not as him

I tell people, he

Is out of town, working

So there is no need to explain

How he is now

Less of a father

But more of a stranger

It is you

And I against the world together

Is what he used to tell me

It is now nothing

But an empty echo

A broken promise

The disappearing of a memory

I imagine

What he must have felt like

On the day he left

How he swore

Not to shed a tear

Not to regret

Not to look back

At his daughter

Who he could no longer hold

In his arms, anymore

I imagine

On the fast moving bus

With his body rested

And his perfectly hidden

Despondent look

There was something missing

Inside of him

10 miles, 20 miles, 200 miles

He became an empty vessel

As he whispered to himself

She will be fine

As if these words

Could refill the empty vessel

With his tentative dreams

Of ever having a daughter

The sweetness of yesterday

Vanished at the tip of his tongue

He tasted nothing

but air now

Nothing

But the bitterness of dying memories

He looked down

At the one-way ticket

He held in his hands

The person he used to call

His daughter

He could not touch, cannot feel

Could not recognize

The dimming lights behind her eyes

She is not

Not his daughter he used to hold

In his arms, anymore

It is you and I

Against the world together

Is just another empty echo

A broken promise

In her already shattered universe

The Game

*Something i wrote when I was seventeen.

I am a vegan

Who feels sorry

For the suffering animals’ souls

I am a virgin

And yes I’m seventeen years old

But I feel

Like I’m one of those

Suffering animals’ souls

So I put up the walls firm and tall

This way, I can heal

From the wounds which cut me deeply

That I bleed

Every single night in my dreams

Where I see myself left

With only bones

Buried in the bottom of the dungeon

To which

I am confined

Yes, I’m seventeen years old

A vegan and a virgin

I can easily

Spit out these identities

But still feel baffled

Still, feel frazzled

why？

My parents asked me

They never fathom

Every day, I try

I think

It’s because every day I try

To be “something”

Be polite, be positive

Be generous, be happy, be a lady

Talk louder, be a boss, but not too bossy

Be indispensable, be in control

Make us proud

But remember

Be yourself

I am tired

Of this game that we call life

Playing by the rules

Written for someone else

With a knife on my throat

I toss the dice

And try to survive

But this game is not fair

Not from the very beginning

They say even though

Life itself is an empty existence

Aspire to fill it

With a sense of belonging

But hey

I did not consent

To playing this game

Yet here I am

Trying to makes sense

Of all that I have not signed up for

I am tired of this game

And if the game writers

Have mercy at all

They

Would just leave me alone

I can’t recognize myself anymore

Like the suffering

animals’ souls

I remember

When I was twelve

Standing next to a bookshelf in my room

With Anna Karenina in my hands

Telling dad that I hope to study literature

and philosophy in the future

He told me blatantly

That I couldn’t possibly

make a career out of it

he wanted me

to be more like him

a lawyer

or perhaps

a law professor

I remember in middle school

I wished I could be

More like my brother

Because apparently

He was a born winner

And was adored by every creature

I was not made for this game

And that wasn’t acceptable

For a kid in middle school

She just wanted to be normal

No one liked that girl

Who sat in her seat

Reading all day long

Lacked of human interaction

You see

I think the rules of this game

Is written for and written by

People like my brother

Over the years

I slaughtered myself

Changing the soul

Bit by bit

Compromising

To society norms

I don’t recognize myself anymore

Like the suffering

animals’ souls

and if the people in this game

have mercy at all

they

would spare me a round

and leave me alone

Dear Me

Dear Me,

You are the glaring fire soaring upon burnt ashes

You flicker and hover in the air

I hear the hoarse sound of torture you utter

People around you

lit up the very fire that you have become

They watch you burn

Glory goes to the fire

Pretty

Unnoticeable pain

They tell you

how brave you are

There is nothing more beautiful

Than fire so bright in the dark

they see the beauty

Yet you feel the agony

You tried to undo it

To see a path

But in darkness

All you see is darkness

You were made to light up the world

But you feel the scorching heat

that’s burning inside

Melting you down

And you scream so loud

that all you hear is tears

But your tears are invisible,

Almost non-existent

They can’t put down the fire

And no one hears you scream

They just look at you

And tell you how brave and beautiful you are

They keep on saying

There is nothing more beautiful

than fire shining so bright in the dark

I Decided Today

I decided today

that I do not exist

I am merely

an imaginary story

Every person I have ever encountered

is my storyteller

They will tell you

about the woman they see

the way she smiles

The taste of her laughter

Which seems to cover

the agony she tries so hard to hide

They will tell you

About how sweet

and how innocent she is

ask my brother and he

will unravel my inner darkness for you

He will tell you

How lost I am

But baby

I am not lost

I simply

Do not exist

I look at myself from afar

And I see my brother

my father and mother

I see my friends my relatives

And some strangers

Across the streets

At the coffee shop

Bookstores or theater

They see me

But there has never been a me

I am nothing

But their imaginary story

A Week After I Died

A week after I died

I’m hollow inside

Deep in the chasm

Even in the brightest of times

It is only darkness

That’s been cast upon me

I do not know the face of passion not now or before

The touch of love

Is a fading fingerprint once lingered on my body

It was once memorable

And now forgotten

For I am hollow inside

And love is in exile

I am

Somehow existing but not existing

Somehow reaching my fingers out to touch

To feel again

but nothing ever comes back to me

A week after I died

I thought I would meet my grandmother

And I can tell her

How proud she should be of her son

But there is nothing and no one in this chasm

Day after day

I reach out my fingers

And nothing is tangible

I see only scars on my wrists

They have stopped bleeding

But I feel like blood

is still leaking out from my fingertips

And perhaps I am disappearing in this chasm

Bits by bits

like I was before in life

I thought ending my misery

is a permanent solution to all the problems

I thought I would see light in the end of this tunnel by doing so

I thought angels would come

And embrace me with their soft wings

They will tell me

Everything is okay now

You are saved

A week after I died

I am hollow inside

Deep in the chasm like I was before in life

Life is a far away concept now

I am hollow inside and half empty

Exactly what I was before in life

I am doomed to be lonely in this chasm

In which I am constantly falling

But never landing

Trust me

I have tried to land

What beauty it should be

if I could eradicate the pain once again

the sorrow

the forever emptiness

That defies every law in the universe

To keep me falling

But keeping me from landing

The struggle doesn’t end

I have come to believe

Landing is a fantasy

Like how death was to me

I can hear my mother’s voices

My brother’s tears at night in bed

My father’s quiet whispers to god

And you, your silent tears that drop down

when you least notice them

I thought yes, you would mourn for me

But after some time

The universe could do without me

And you would stop mourning

Accepting the facts

And you will move on

Like how you always have

Look behind the pavements

They are built with blood and tears

And I am just one of them now

I never meant to hurt

You

I thought

I was doing you a favor

I thought the universe would be better off

without me

Without another phony existence

I was doing you a favor

In the long term

So I can stop hurting you

And you can stop breaking my heart

without knowing it

I thought

I am but a variable in the function of universe

Replaceable

Waiting to be proved to exist

To be calculated

I waited for too long to be deciphered

Emotions turned into ashes

Until I believe so deeply

That I wasn’t necessary

Perhaps I was a mistake

A miscalculation

And I was correcting the faults by doing so

A week after I died

I am falling in this chasm

With echoes of the voices from those I used to love

I still love them, I think

If I can remember what love is

Colorful Medicines

My body is made of 80 percent medicine

the purple and pink I take in the morning

are supposed to fix my blue genes

blue genes deep rooted and passed on

from my mother and grandmother

blue genes pushed me into a black hole

blue genes slow down time

a minute feels like a lifelong sentence

blue genes distant me

from everything else I see

sunshine, coffee, love

they are just a metaphor now

a reflection of how drifted away i am

My body is made of 80 percent medicine

the purple and pink I take in the morning

are supposed to fix my blue genes

and they kind of do

purple and pink pull me out of the black hole

allows me to feel the sunshine

smell the coffee

experience love

but purple and pink

cannot take away my thoughts

cannot tell me not to kill myself

cannot tell me I am trying hard enough

cannot tell me I am not my illness

purple and pink

take away the blue

but not the blue mindset

and the blue mindset

is what gives me nightmares

screaming in the dark

bleeding in dreams

the blue mindset is constantly fighting

with other white or golden mindset

and yet always winning

leaving me with exhaustion

because my body is always at war

and hence

panic attacks after panic attacks

so here comes the orange little tablet i take

morning and night

twice a day

and it always comes with yellow

yellow eases the vertigo

and orange numbs my nervous system

so I don’t feel like I am dying that often

purple and pink in the morning

return me my emotions

help me to not be numb and distant again

and yet the orange and yellow

morning and night

twice a day

shut down my body

no anxiety

no emotions again

so the white I take at night

right before bedtime

stops me from thinking

about how scared I am

or how sad I am

or how completely numb my entire body is right now

right now

the white I took

send me to my dreams

to my subconscious where all the horror lives

but at least

I can have a steady eight hours of sleep

My body is made of 80 percent medicine

it is a science lab

chemistries mixing with chemistries

I am always exploding and evaporating

exploding and evaporating

my body is a science lab

the colors I consume

are not a promise of well-being

they do not come with warranties

colors are always colliding with colours

they don’t transform into Van Gogh’s sunflowers

or the starry night

in which pain turns into beauty

and colors come to life

the colors I consume

purple and pink

orange, yellow and white

they are a science experiment with no results

my body is not mine

my body is made of 80 percent medicine

colourful medicines

that should have cured my blue genes by now

my body is not mine

it still belong’s to the blue genes

colourful medicines

purple and pink

orange, yellow and white

science experiments with no results

always contradicting the other

my body is not mine

doctor says I’m going to be fine

but he doesn’t know how long it will take

or exactly how my body will react to them

my body is a science lab

experimenting with colourful medicines

doctor says I’m going to be fine

but he’s not the one taking them

An apology Letter to My Body (2)

Dear body,

I apologize

for drowning you with alcohol

When I was all broken inside

I knew you couldn’t breathe anymore

But I didn’t care if there would be a tomorrow

I did not know any other way

To make the pain inside me disappear

So I kept drinking

I am sorry

for overdosing and for hurting you

For letting you bleed

But we were at war

If you can remember

Both of us

trying so hard

To erase each other

In order to prove one’s worth
I hope that today

I can make peace with you

I’m sorry

When you were that little

I let her inside of you

you did not even know what it meant

and as you grew older

he touched you

and tried to make you

one of his

I am sorry

for not having the strength to leave

I am sorry

That I didn’t protect you

I scrubbed every inch of you

For a thousand times

But I know you can still feel him on you

Still taste his perfume

At the tip of your tongue

Still have nightmares

about how your body trembled

when he held you

And Fiddled with your hair

Whispering the words into your ears

Like a spell that made you his personal Barbie

It was not your fault

That he thought your body

was his to own

You were young and lost

And he was there

It was not your fault

That you listened

to the old stories

A woman must be saved by a man

And you thought he was Prince Charming

But this is a story

of how a woman saved herself

Body,

I will hold on to you

And we will fly together

In this world that has already lost gravity

Men and alcohol were never the

Remedy

The solution

Or An answer

You were your own hero

And we know that now

We have proved it

Sincerely,

Vanessa

Poisonous Fog

I wake up

in the midst of poisonous fog

Cannot make sense of north or south

The fog mourns according to the rhythm

of my own heart beats

Forcefully guiding me

deeper into the fog

I hold my breath

count like I was taught

One, two and three

over and over again

The beast

from last night’s dreams

reaches its fingers into the fog

attempting to grab its prey

It’s either the poisonous fog

or the beast that never gives up

So I find my way into the fog

Following the music

which pounds with the rhythm

of my heart beats

I count my breath

Like I was told

Inhale, exhale, Inhale, exhale

One two and three

Over and over again

For what feels like decades

Then discover myself still stuck in bed

And nonetheless

have a day ahead

I smell the coffee and taste nothing

I see the blue sky hanging up high

But I feel like it’s grey

As if an old picture in the attic

Always ready to perish

I greet the neighbors

with the poisonous fog still besieging

around me

neighbors smile and wave

As if seeing nothing

She kisses me on the cheek

Ask me how I’m doing

And I say I have had better days

C’est la vie, She says

Ignoring the blood

Coming out from the old wounds

on my left arm

She smiles and let me struggle in the fog

Like how she always has

She sees me

but not the pain inside me

wherever I go,

the poisonous fog follows

like a mirror made by devils

it draws a picture of me to the public

a person I do not recognize

Felicitous, sweet and upbeat

it absorbs all the energy I have

to draw this masterpiece

it feeds on my sadness,

fear and memories

it grows thicker and thicker

days after days

I cry with no tears

smile with no joy

Sleep with no peace

I am evaporating slowly

Into the poisonous fog

I yearn for freedom

yet I fear what I would be

without the fog

I yearn for happiness

Yet I doubt if I deserve it

I yearn to live

Yet I question if I am worth the space

The poisonous fog follows me

Wherever I go

It tells me ghost stories

stops me from eating

From going outside

From dancing to music

From painting down the sunrise

From admiring the people I used to adore

The poisonous fog

Becomes the only thing I see

The only sound I hear

The only language I speak

Until I realize

The poisonous fog is me

I have become the poisonous fog

Quietly, dubiously

co-existing with

The friends and family

Who are now strangers to me

I follow the instructions of the poisonous fog

erasing the footprints left on my own timeline

I Go backwards to the day of nonexistence

I float away without making a sound

And no one has noticed

We Cry With No Tears

We cry with no tears

Let me sleep

And never wake up

Let me be free

Let me be brave

Suffer no more

Let me be free

Let me be brave

May there always be mercy

In the black and blue I see