depression – Page 4 – Butterfly Poetry

Everything Is Good

Everything is good

I’m having my period

and my abdomen feels like something died inside it

but that’s okay

I have a roof above me

I have food in the fridge

so I’m grateful

everything is okay today

I have nothing to complain

existential anxiety

has been crawling inside me

for the past few weeks

family

school

boyfriend

school

state of mind

money

school

boyfriend

state of mind

money

depression

freaking depression

sleeping was a problem

it still is

I would wake up in panic attacks

gasping

shaking

reaching my hands out

searching for something to hold onto

and ended up with air and tears

but all that seem okay today

at least at this moment

when I’m writing this down

it seems okay now

everything seems okay now

I’m at this moment

like a suspense in time

I see yesterday

I hear tomorrow

but I don’t have to touch either

everything has stopped

the worries frozen

so everything seems okay now

no crisis to deal with

no one to socialize with

no obligations to oblige to

no one for me to worry about

no one to fake a smile to

no deadline to be alive and striving for

that’s it

this moment is it

when everything stops

boyfriend away

family and friends nowhere near me

just me

and me alone

frozen in time

so everything is good now

today

this moment

it all seems okay

quiet

everything is quiet

my mind and surroundings

all tranquil and resting

even my phone

just sits there

not ringing at all

I’m not waiting for any messages

or notifications from social media

everything is quiet and everyone far away

so it all seems good now

I get to just be with me

and I’m writing this down

not because I have another episode

of sadness to unleash

or anger and anguish

that never escaped me

I’m writing this down

this is new

about how everything seems okay now

when time is frozen

I am in the middle of yesterday’s tears

and tomorrow’s worries

and I’m writing this down

about how everything seems okay now

no baggages to carry

nowhere to hurry to

no one to hold my hands

nothing is happening

and that makes everything okay

I have 2 hours more of this

these sacred 2 hours more

for me to cherish

before time starts spinning

and everything speeds up

and today

sealed and bottled up

like a sweet sweet dream

untraceable

unreachable

and slowly forgotten

until next time

until god knows when next time

Do You Ever

Do you ever just wake up

And wonder where you are

How you have gone here

And what you have become

When you look around

And notice how everyone

Has the same look as you

That lost look

People and things

Are not at

where they are supposed to be

Their souls are stuck in a matrix program

Which probably explains the lost look

They know

Their real home is at somewhere else

The sunset makes the whole busy city go golden and then blue

And then comes darkness

And the long nights that eradicate our doubts

for the authenticity of our existence

Then follows

the smell of freshly cut grasses

First cup of coffee in the morning

The blood-like red roses

That make us say

What a wonderful world

So we move our eyes away

From the mirror

The spoon we use to eat cereal with

Where we can see our own reflections

We move our eyes away from

The things which remind us

Of the questions we all have in mind

The authenticity of our existence

Or how much we try

To not dwell

on the lost look we all have

From time to time

Since before everything started

We talk and smile

with sadness and anxiety

in our subconscious minds

We see the skin the hair the fine array of people we interact

Trying to find meaning at the wrong places, on the wrong people

if you look closely enough

You will notice

the lost look we all have from time to time

For far too long

Voices In My Head

Baby

You are so much more than your illness

So much more than what the voices tell you

You are dumb

Useless

A burden

A mistake

A joke

A hypocrite

You will never be fixed

No one can fix you

You are hopeless

Alone

Forever sad

Dead already

A zombie

No, you’re not

You’re not all that

You’re not

A waste of time

You’re not a lost thing

You’re not the dust that fell down

When everyone else is rising

You’re not bones buried in dirt

When everyone is walking on you

Their marches so heavy

You feel like you’re suffocating

Dissolving

Disappearing

You’re numb yes maybe

But you’re still solid in the air

Unnoticeable even by yourself

People may not see you

You may not see you

But still

You are solid in the air

I know that

Because you are a house that never falls down

You are the house that even invisible

I can still feel your presence

How you blocked the thunder

How you let the sunshine in

I may not see you

But I can feel your presence

Baby

You are still fighting

Even when you don’t know it

I may not know how you got here

How you’ve made it this far

How you are still alive

After so many years of voices in your head

Telling you otherwise

But see how you are still standing

Bleeding yes maybe

Jaded and confused

But You

are the waves that never stop kissing the shore

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses the stars

You shine up high

Twinkling

You never stop

You

Never stop

You’re surrounded by black

But baby please take a look

You are not the black

You never stop kissing the shore

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses forgiveness

The shore is part of the waves

The shore is part of the darkness

The shore is part of the stars

The sky

Stars and darkness combined

Are part of you

You are the universe

You

Are the universe

And darkness

is just a temporary aspect from a tiny little angle

It comes after sunset

It follows the sun

The sun is part of you

You have the sun

You are the sun

The voices in your head

Is not the only voice you can hear

The only instructions you can follow

You don’t have to go

You don’t have to fade away

No one can make you leave

Not even the voices in your head

Baby

This is a reminder

If you ever get lost

In the voices that shout in your head

The voices in your head

Only you can hear

Baby

You are not those voices

You are not your illness

Baby please don’t go

You are not your sadness

you are a map

You are a compass

Not the voices

The voices in your head

are not your only navigation

You are a map

You are a compass

Baby

Please don’t go with the voices

Please baby please

An apology Letter to My Body (2)

Dear body,

I apologize

for drowning you with alcohol

When I was all broken inside

I knew you couldn’t breathe anymore

But I didn’t care if there would be a tomorrow

I did not know any other way

To make the pain inside me disappear

So I kept drinking

I am sorry

for overdosing and for hurting you

For letting you bleed

But we were at war

If you can remember

Both of us

trying so hard

To erase each other

In order to prove one’s worth
I hope that today

I can make peace with you

I’m sorry

When you were that little

I let her inside of you

you did not even know what it meant

and as you grew older

he touched you

and tried to make you

one of his

I am sorry

for not having the strength to leave

I am sorry

That I didn’t protect you

I scrubbed every inch of you

For a thousand times

But I know you can still feel him on you

Still taste his perfume

At the tip of your tongue

Still have nightmares

about how your body trembled

when he held you

And Fiddled with your hair

Whispering the words into your ears

Like a spell that made you his personal Barbie

It was not your fault

That he thought your body

was his to own

You were young and lost

And he was there

It was not your fault

That you listened

to the old stories

A woman must be saved by a man

And you thought he was Prince Charming

But this is a story

of how a woman saved herself

Body,

I will hold on to you

And we will fly together

In this world that has already lost gravity

Men and alcohol were never the

Remedy

The solution

Or An answer

You were your own hero

And we know that now

We have proved it

Sincerely,

Vanessa

Summer Rain

You came to my life like summer rain

Washed away the pain

with your gentle touches

The blood that floods my wounds

You washed them away too

You clear up the muddy river

Make them shine again

with the light yellow sunrise

For the first time

I stare at my reflections

by the riverside

And look at myself without a taste of disgust

You show up like summer rain

Shower the grasses

Wave away their tears

Tickle the tree and make them giggle

Put a smile upon the big blue sky

I see heavens blush because of you

And I feel safe inside

Because of you

When you smile

You take sorrows away

from the deepest hollow a person can face

You came to me

like summer rain

So sudden

so powerful

You reached out a friendly hand to me

And I held it tightly

Because I know how precious it is

To finally have you

You saw the creature inside me

that I did not know existed

I could have faded away

inside of that empty hollow

without you

I would not see the beauty

and all the wonder

I did not know existed

You are the summer rain

That survived the frostbitten winter

You transformed from snow and ice

To the heartwarming heat

That you are now today

And bring me back to life

Shower away the dust

That I thought I have become

You

Are the summer rain

You have torn down mountains

Rebuild them again

You have showed me strength,

kindness and spectacles

When all I wanted to do

was follow the muddy footprints

back to the hollow

You

Are the summer rain

That never gives up

Never vanishes without a fight

You,

are the summer rain

once hidden inside me

You are the force of nature

that has always been there

Shadowed in the corner

Humbly, quietly pushing me forward

But I see you now

I see you now

Poisonous Fog

I wake up

in the midst of poisonous fog

Cannot make sense of north or south

The fog mourns according to the rhythm

of my own heart beats

Forcefully guiding me

deeper into the fog

I hold my breath

count like I was taught

One, two and three

over and over again

The beast

from last night’s dreams

reaches its fingers into the fog

attempting to grab its prey

It’s either the poisonous fog

or the beast that never gives up

So I find my way into the fog

Following the music

which pounds with the rhythm

of my heart beats

I count my breath

Like I was told

Inhale, exhale, Inhale, exhale

One two and three

Over and over again

For what feels like decades

Then discover myself still stuck in bed

And nonetheless

have a day ahead

I smell the coffee and taste nothing

I see the blue sky hanging up high

But I feel like it’s grey

As if an old picture in the attic

Always ready to perish

I greet the neighbors

with the poisonous fog still besieging

around me

neighbors smile and wave

As if seeing nothing

She kisses me on the cheek

Ask me how I’m doing

And I say I have had better days

C’est la vie, She says

Ignoring the blood

Coming out from the old wounds

on my left arm

She smiles and let me struggle in the fog

Like how she always has

She sees me

but not the pain inside me

wherever I go,

the poisonous fog follows

like a mirror made by devils

it draws a picture of me to the public

a person I do not recognize

Felicitous, sweet and upbeat

it absorbs all the energy I have

to draw this masterpiece

it feeds on my sadness,

fear and memories

it grows thicker and thicker

days after days

I cry with no tears

smile with no joy

Sleep with no peace

I am evaporating slowly

Into the poisonous fog

I yearn for freedom

yet I fear what I would be

without the fog

I yearn for happiness

Yet I doubt if I deserve it

I yearn to live

Yet I question if I am worth the space

The poisonous fog follows me

Wherever I go

It tells me ghost stories

stops me from eating

From going outside

From dancing to music

From painting down the sunrise

From admiring the people I used to adore

The poisonous fog

Becomes the only thing I see

The only sound I hear

The only language I speak

Until I realize

The poisonous fog is me

I have become the poisonous fog

Quietly, dubiously

co-existing with

The friends and family

Who are now strangers to me

I follow the instructions of the poisonous fog

erasing the footprints left on my own timeline

I Go backwards to the day of nonexistence

I float away without making a sound

And no one has noticed

An apology Letter to My Body (1)

Dear body,

I am sorry

For once hating your small Asian eyes

And your mildly yellow skin color

because everyone around you was white

I should have been proud of my own heritage

I know that mom taught you beauty

is defined by society

There is a certain way of

How we, as women, should behave

And conform is the only way

I am sorry

that I believed her

for so many years

I looked at you

And saw nothing but flaws

I am sorry that I didn’t know how to nourish you

for starving you on purpose

gave you half an apple a day

I am sorry

that I put you through

eating disorder for so many years

for feeling guilty to eat

and for being scared not to eat
see,

My mom ate from a plate

that was as small as your palms were

the more she shrank the prouder she became

so I thought

that’s what a woman should be like

I learned

to see a woman’s body

through her eyes

I apologize

for letting the numbers on the scale to define your worth

and that I started to lie about your weight

before even having your period

I thought a size zero was the only definition

of beauty

The only way to exist

as a woman

I am sorry

That I tried to make you look attractive

Before understanding the reasons why

A short skirt and lip gloss

were the only ways to attract boys at age 9
I am Sorry

That you have been sexualized long before understanding

what being a female really means

You are a human being

Blood and flesh

You are not born to please

sorry

That I compared you

with the models on front page magazines

And blamed you

for not looking like them

You should know

There is not a standard for beauty

You can just be you

I am sorry

That I always wanted to change you

didn’t appreciate you

didn’t want to live inside of you.

I am sorry that I unlearned all this too late

that I never thanked you

for being here for me

all this time

even when I tried to hurt you

You always took your time

To forgive me

and you never stopped holding me up

You are my body

Not someone else’s property defined

by the norms of society

you are my body

You are sacred

You are enough

And from now on

I am going to love you

Sincerely ,

Vanessa

We Cry With No Tears

We cry with no tears

Let me sleep

And never wake up

Let me be free

Let me be brave

Suffer no more

Let me be free

Let me be brave

May there always be mercy

In the black and blue I see

Black and Blue

When I first met the dark shadow

I was sixteen years old

They sat on my pillow and whispered to my ears

Noises that sounded like words

I took a look at its black and blue

And noticed how it was slightly penetrating me

The voices became louder

Existence is futile

I was told

You are a burden

I was told

That was the first time I met the dark shadow

The faces of black and blue

As I listened to its noises that sounded like words

It took away a piece of my soul

I was eighteen years old

The black and blue were no longer gentle

They dwelled inside me and fed on pleasure

Exhale cruelly nothing but woe and sadness

I could feel the fragmental pieces of my soul

Started to vanish

Little by little

I was nineteen years old

I could not envision a world

Where there are no dark shadows

I could see myself fading away

Colors coming off of my body

Disappearing into the winds

I was a funeral in process

Drowning in black and blue

Gasping for air

I was twenty years old

I had forgotten how to smile

There is nothing left in me

Resistance is exhausting

I thought

Therefore, one night

Black and blue guided me to the kitchen knife

Taught me how to use it

Guaranteed that this was the only remedy to my agony

I heard they say

You died many years ago, anyway

You are a burden, anyway

A waste of space

A mistake

A flawed creature

Come on

Just do it

And end this inane existence

I am twenty one now

Black and blue are still inside of me

The mark I made on my left arm

Still itches somehow

It is the screeching sound made by black and blue

The traces of their mockery

But I

I am still here somehow

I am still here

I am twenty one now

I am learning how to breathe

Black and blue still talk to me

But I have learnt how not to listen

I am not

a burden or an apology

I am a flawed creature

But that does not make me any less of a human

I am a warrior

I am a survivor

Black and blue are still inside of me

But I am not just black and blue this time

I am also love, compassion and kindness

I am the mixture of everything

Everything that I have ever seen or heard

I am not

Not just black and blue this time