poetry – Page 4 – Butterfly Poetry

Every day Is a Silent Hallelujah

Every day

is a silent hallelujah

For it is suffer that we mostly face

Daggers made of honey

is what we embrace each day

We don’t mature with years

but with damages

it is unfortunate yet accurate

to say

we are all damaged goods

but that’s okay

it is all just part of the process

For each day

we try so hard to fix what’s not quite right

in our lives

in ourselves

In whichever way we may believe in

In search

of a window of opportunities

That leads us back to happiness

To forget about the scars

marked on our flesh as time goes by

after all the wars we have each day

with ourselves and with dear life

marching our way through existence

To whomever is reading this

It’s a miracle how you,

are still alive

For how far you’ve come

For the silent battles you have each day

Wounded and jaded

But yet still here

Alive and breathing

Resting, maybe

But I know when the next battle comes

You, will rise up

glaring at this world

like the very first time

but it is wisdom

that you will gain this time

so every day

is a silent hallelujah

you,

are the only person

who knows how hard it is

to be you

the good and bad

the days you smile so proudly with victories

the mornings you cry in the shower

the incalculable sadness that comes after sunset

when everyone has gone home

and you are left alone

it is in pain and loneliness

that you find your strength

realizing what you are made of

only when you have lost everything

can you start building

all the unanswerable questions in life

to which I don’t know the solutions

yet I know what a miracle it is

that you are still here

breathing and alive

utterly lost and heartbroken

but you have walked a lonely path

through all the doors that kept shutting down

all the way to today

you fight for yourself

for your own existence

no matter how quiet the battle is

or how slowly time flows by

every day is a silent hallelujah

for you are still here

breathing and alive

Somedays Sometimes Someone

To someone I’m a lover

To someone I’m a sinner

To someone I’m a memory

Somedays I feel like a burden or a failure

Somedays I feel blessed or glamorous

Sometimes I’m a traveler

Sometimes I’m a prisoner

Sometimes I have a home

Sometimes I don’t

Sometimes I’m too yellow

And other days I’m too white

There are days when I can’t fall asleep

There are days

my bed becomes a locked room with no windows

There are nights I dream of his smiles

There are nights I die in my dreams

Sometimes I can feel the gravity

Sometimes someone is my gravity

Sometimes I’m just floating in the air

Lost and scared

Sometimes I am a dreamer

Sometimes I lose the race

Somedays I have answers

A Week After I Died

A week after I died

I’m hollow inside

Deep in the chasm

Even in the brightest of times

It is only darkness

That’s been cast upon me

I do not know the face of passion not now or before

The touch of love

Is a fading fingerprint once lingered on my body

It was once memorable

And now forgotten

For I am hollow inside

And love is in exile

I am

Somehow existing but not existing

Somehow reaching my fingers out to touch

To feel again

but nothing ever comes back to me

A week after I died

I thought I would meet my grandmother

And I can tell her

How proud she should be of her son

But there is nothing and no one in this chasm

Day after day

I reach out my fingers

And nothing is tangible

I see only scars on my wrists

They have stopped bleeding

But I feel like blood

is still leaking out from my fingertips

And perhaps I am disappearing in this chasm

Bits by bits

like I was before in life

I thought ending my misery

is a permanent solution to all the problems

I thought I would see light in the end of this tunnel by doing so

I thought angels would come

And embrace me with their soft wings

They will tell me

Everything is okay now

You are saved

A week after I died

I am hollow inside

Deep in the chasm like I was before in life

Life is a far away concept now

I am hollow inside and half empty

Exactly what I was before in life

I am doomed to be lonely in this chasm

In which I am constantly falling

But never landing

Trust me

I have tried to land

What beauty it should be

if I could eradicate the pain once again

the sorrow

the forever emptiness

That defies every law in the universe

To keep me falling

But keeping me from landing

The struggle doesn’t end

I have come to believe

Landing is a fantasy

Like how death was to me

I can hear my mother’s voices

My brother’s tears at night in bed

My father’s quiet whispers to god

And you, your silent tears that drop down

when you least notice them

I thought yes, you would mourn for me

But after some time

The universe could do without me

And you would stop mourning

Accepting the facts

And you will move on

Like how you always have

Look behind the pavements

They are built with blood and tears

And I am just one of them now

I never meant to hurt

You

I thought

I was doing you a favor

I thought the universe would be better off

without me

Without another phony existence

I was doing you a favor

In the long term

So I can stop hurting you

And you can stop breaking my heart

without knowing it

I thought

I am but a variable in the function of universe

Replaceable

Waiting to be proved to exist

To be calculated

I waited for too long to be deciphered

Emotions turned into ashes

Until I believe so deeply

That I wasn’t necessary

Perhaps I was a mistake

A miscalculation

And I was correcting the faults by doing so

A week after I died

I am falling in this chasm

With echoes of the voices from those I used to love

I still love them, I think

If I can remember what love is

Colorful Medicines

My body is made of 80 percent medicine

the purple and pink I take in the morning

are supposed to fix my blue genes

blue genes deep rooted and passed on

from my mother and grandmother

blue genes pushed me into a black hole

blue genes slow down time

a minute feels like a lifelong sentence

blue genes distant me

from everything else I see

sunshine, coffee, love

they are just a metaphor now

a reflection of how drifted away i am

My body is made of 80 percent medicine

the purple and pink I take in the morning

are supposed to fix my blue genes

and they kind of do

purple and pink pull me out of the black hole

allows me to feel the sunshine

smell the coffee

experience love

but purple and pink

cannot take away my thoughts

cannot tell me not to kill myself

cannot tell me I am trying hard enough

cannot tell me I am not my illness

purple and pink

take away the blue

but not the blue mindset

and the blue mindset

is what gives me nightmares

screaming in the dark

bleeding in dreams

the blue mindset is constantly fighting

with other white or golden mindset

and yet always winning

leaving me with exhaustion

because my body is always at war

and hence

panic attacks after panic attacks

so here comes the orange little tablet i take

morning and night

twice a day

and it always comes with yellow

yellow eases the vertigo

and orange numbs my nervous system

so I don’t feel like I am dying that often

purple and pink in the morning

return me my emotions

help me to not be numb and distant again

and yet the orange and yellow

morning and night

twice a day

shut down my body

no anxiety

no emotions again

so the white I take at night

right before bedtime

stops me from thinking

about how scared I am

or how sad I am

or how completely numb my entire body is right now

right now

the white I took

send me to my dreams

to my subconscious where all the horror lives

but at least

I can have a steady eight hours of sleep

My body is made of 80 percent medicine

it is a science lab

chemistries mixing with chemistries

I am always exploding and evaporating

exploding and evaporating

my body is a science lab

the colors I consume

are not a promise of well-being

they do not come with warranties

colors are always colliding with colours

they don’t transform into Van Gogh’s sunflowers

or the starry night

in which pain turns into beauty

and colors come to life

the colors I consume

purple and pink

orange, yellow and white

they are a science experiment with no results

my body is not mine

my body is made of 80 percent medicine

colourful medicines

that should have cured my blue genes by now

my body is not mine

it still belong’s to the blue genes

colourful medicines

purple and pink

orange, yellow and white

science experiments with no results

always contradicting the other

my body is not mine

doctor says I’m going to be fine

but he doesn’t know how long it will take

or exactly how my body will react to them

my body is a science lab

experimenting with colourful medicines

doctor says I’m going to be fine

but he’s not the one taking them

Everything Is Good

Everything is good

I’m having my period

and my abdomen feels like something died inside it

but that’s okay

I have a roof above me

I have food in the fridge

so I’m grateful

everything is okay today

I have nothing to complain

existential anxiety

has been crawling inside me

for the past few weeks

family

school

boyfriend

school

state of mind

money

school

boyfriend

state of mind

money

depression

freaking depression

sleeping was a problem

it still is

I would wake up in panic attacks

gasping

shaking

reaching my hands out

searching for something to hold onto

and ended up with air and tears

but all that seem okay today

at least at this moment

when I’m writing this down

it seems okay now

everything seems okay now

I’m at this moment

like a suspense in time

I see yesterday

I hear tomorrow

but I don’t have to touch either

everything has stopped

the worries frozen

so everything seems okay now

no crisis to deal with

no one to socialize with

no obligations to oblige to

no one for me to worry about

no one to fake a smile to

no deadline to be alive and striving for

that’s it

this moment is it

when everything stops

boyfriend away

family and friends nowhere near me

just me

and me alone

frozen in time

so everything is good now

today

this moment

it all seems okay

quiet

everything is quiet

my mind and surroundings

all tranquil and resting

even my phone

just sits there

not ringing at all

I’m not waiting for any messages

or notifications from social media

everything is quiet and everyone far away

so it all seems good now

I get to just be with me

and I’m writing this down

not because I have another episode

of sadness to unleash

or anger and anguish

that never escaped me

I’m writing this down

this is new

about how everything seems okay now

when time is frozen

I am in the middle of yesterday’s tears

and tomorrow’s worries

and I’m writing this down

about how everything seems okay now

no baggages to carry

nowhere to hurry to

no one to hold my hands

nothing is happening

and that makes everything okay

I have 2 hours more of this

these sacred 2 hours more

for me to cherish

before time starts spinning

and everything speeds up

and today

sealed and bottled up

like a sweet sweet dream

untraceable

unreachable

and slowly forgotten

until next time

until god knows when next time

Do You Ever

Do you ever just wake up

And wonder where you are

How you have gone here

And what you have become

When you look around

And notice how everyone

Has the same look as you

That lost look

People and things

Are not at

where they are supposed to be

Their souls are stuck in a matrix program

Which probably explains the lost look

They know

Their real home is at somewhere else

The sunset makes the whole busy city go golden and then blue

And then comes darkness

And the long nights that eradicate our doubts

for the authenticity of our existence

Then follows

the smell of freshly cut grasses

First cup of coffee in the morning

The blood-like red roses

That make us say

What a wonderful world

So we move our eyes away

From the mirror

The spoon we use to eat cereal with

Where we can see our own reflections

We move our eyes away from

The things which remind us

Of the questions we all have in mind

The authenticity of our existence

Or how much we try

To not dwell

on the lost look we all have

From time to time

Since before everything started

We talk and smile

with sadness and anxiety

in our subconscious minds

We see the skin the hair the fine array of people we interact

Trying to find meaning at the wrong places, on the wrong people

if you look closely enough

You will notice

the lost look we all have from time to time

For far too long

Voices In My Head

Baby

You are so much more than your illness

So much more than what the voices tell you

You are dumb

Useless

A burden

A mistake

A joke

A hypocrite

You will never be fixed

No one can fix you

You are hopeless

Alone

Forever sad

Dead already

A zombie

No, you’re not

You’re not all that

You’re not

A waste of time

You’re not a lost thing

You’re not the dust that fell down

When everyone else is rising

You’re not bones buried in dirt

When everyone is walking on you

Their marches so heavy

You feel like you’re suffocating

Dissolving

Disappearing

You’re numb yes maybe

But you’re still solid in the air

Unnoticeable even by yourself

People may not see you

You may not see you

But still

You are solid in the air

I know that

Because you are a house that never falls down

You are the house that even invisible

I can still feel your presence

How you blocked the thunder

How you let the sunshine in

I may not see you

But I can feel your presence

Baby

You are still fighting

Even when you don’t know it

I may not know how you got here

How you’ve made it this far

How you are still alive

After so many years of voices in your head

Telling you otherwise

But see how you are still standing

Bleeding yes maybe

Jaded and confused

But You

are the waves that never stop kissing the shore

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses the stars

You shine up high

Twinkling

You never stop

You

Never stop

You’re surrounded by black

But baby please take a look

You are not the black

You never stop kissing the shore

The shore being the darkness

And your kisses forgiveness

The shore is part of the waves

The shore is part of the darkness

The shore is part of the stars

The sky

Stars and darkness combined

Are part of you

You are the universe

You

Are the universe

And darkness

is just a temporary aspect from a tiny little angle

It comes after sunset

It follows the sun

The sun is part of you

You have the sun

You are the sun

The voices in your head

Is not the only voice you can hear

The only instructions you can follow

You don’t have to go

You don’t have to fade away

No one can make you leave

Not even the voices in your head

Baby

This is a reminder

If you ever get lost

In the voices that shout in your head

The voices in your head

Only you can hear

Baby

You are not those voices

You are not your illness

Baby please don’t go

You are not your sadness

you are a map

You are a compass

Not the voices

The voices in your head

are not your only navigation

You are a map

You are a compass

Baby

Please don’t go with the voices

Please baby please

An apology Letter to My Body (2)

Dear body,

I apologize

for drowning you with alcohol

When I was all broken inside

I knew you couldn’t breathe anymore

But I didn’t care if there would be a tomorrow

I did not know any other way

To make the pain inside me disappear

So I kept drinking

I am sorry

for overdosing and for hurting you

For letting you bleed

But we were at war

If you can remember

Both of us

trying so hard

To erase each other

In order to prove one’s worth
I hope that today

I can make peace with you

I’m sorry

When you were that little

I let her inside of you

you did not even know what it meant

and as you grew older

he touched you

and tried to make you

one of his

I am sorry

for not having the strength to leave

I am sorry

That I didn’t protect you

I scrubbed every inch of you

For a thousand times

But I know you can still feel him on you

Still taste his perfume

At the tip of your tongue

Still have nightmares

about how your body trembled

when he held you

And Fiddled with your hair

Whispering the words into your ears

Like a spell that made you his personal Barbie

It was not your fault

That he thought your body

was his to own

You were young and lost

And he was there

It was not your fault

That you listened

to the old stories

A woman must be saved by a man

And you thought he was Prince Charming

But this is a story

of how a woman saved herself

Body,

I will hold on to you

And we will fly together

In this world that has already lost gravity

Men and alcohol were never the

Remedy

The solution

Or An answer

You were your own hero

And we know that now

We have proved it

Sincerely,

Vanessa

Summer Rain

You came to my life like summer rain

Washed away the pain

with your gentle touches

The blood that floods my wounds

You washed them away too

You clear up the muddy river

Make them shine again

with the light yellow sunrise

For the first time

I stare at my reflections

by the riverside

And look at myself without a taste of disgust

You show up like summer rain

Shower the grasses

Wave away their tears

Tickle the tree and make them giggle

Put a smile upon the big blue sky

I see heavens blush because of you

And I feel safe inside

Because of you

When you smile

You take sorrows away

from the deepest hollow a person can face

You came to me

like summer rain

So sudden

so powerful

You reached out a friendly hand to me

And I held it tightly

Because I know how precious it is

To finally have you

You saw the creature inside me

that I did not know existed

I could have faded away

inside of that empty hollow

without you

I would not see the beauty

and all the wonder

I did not know existed

You are the summer rain

That survived the frostbitten winter

You transformed from snow and ice

To the heartwarming heat

That you are now today

And bring me back to life

Shower away the dust

That I thought I have become

You

Are the summer rain

You have torn down mountains

Rebuild them again

You have showed me strength,

kindness and spectacles

When all I wanted to do

was follow the muddy footprints

back to the hollow

You

Are the summer rain

That never gives up

Never vanishes without a fight

You,

are the summer rain

once hidden inside me

You are the force of nature

that has always been there

Shadowed in the corner

Humbly, quietly pushing me forward

But I see you now

I see you now

An apology Letter to My Body (1)

Dear body,

I am sorry

For once hating your small Asian eyes

And your mildly yellow skin color

because everyone around you was white

I should have been proud of my own heritage

I know that mom taught you beauty

is defined by society

There is a certain way of

How we, as women, should behave

And conform is the only way

I am sorry

that I believed her

for so many years

I looked at you

And saw nothing but flaws

I am sorry that I didn’t know how to nourish you

for starving you on purpose

gave you half an apple a day

I am sorry

that I put you through

eating disorder for so many years

for feeling guilty to eat

and for being scared not to eat
see,

My mom ate from a plate

that was as small as your palms were

the more she shrank the prouder she became

so I thought

that’s what a woman should be like

I learned

to see a woman’s body

through her eyes

I apologize

for letting the numbers on the scale to define your worth

and that I started to lie about your weight

before even having your period

I thought a size zero was the only definition

of beauty

The only way to exist

as a woman

I am sorry

That I tried to make you look attractive

Before understanding the reasons why

A short skirt and lip gloss

were the only ways to attract boys at age 9
I am Sorry

That you have been sexualized long before understanding

what being a female really means

You are a human being

Blood and flesh

You are not born to please

sorry

That I compared you

with the models on front page magazines

And blamed you

for not looking like them

You should know

There is not a standard for beauty

You can just be you

I am sorry

That I always wanted to change you

didn’t appreciate you

didn’t want to live inside of you.

I am sorry that I unlearned all this too late

that I never thanked you

for being here for me

all this time

even when I tried to hurt you

You always took your time

To forgive me

and you never stopped holding me up

You are my body

Not someone else’s property defined

by the norms of society

you are my body

You are sacred

You are enough

And from now on

I am going to love you

Sincerely ,

Vanessa